-Throughout my life I was one of those people who didnt want a child or didnt quite understand what the hype was about when people would congratulate others on their “blessing” (child). That was until I was blessed with my first love and unfortunatley loss in 2011. Once I found out that I was carrying a little me I was so excited to love another human more than I love myself but sadly, it was taken away from me before I got the chance to.
-My second loss (2017) hurt more than the 1st although I thought it would be easier because I experienced this heartache before even though I never got over it, but boy was I wrong. One Friday night I went to bed happy after listening to my babies heartbeat as I do every night, (because of my 1st loss it was hard to not worry and I needed to hear his heartbeat as often as possible) his heartbeat was a little different but perfect so I thought. I went to bed, then less than 24 hours after listening to his heart sounding like heaven to my ears....I woke up on Saturday morning with cramps (I panicked because I knew it was happening but I was in denial, making myself believe anything but what it actually was!) Praying, crying, tried to force myself to go back to sleep just to not face reality but the contractions started to hurt so bad that I fell to my knees trying to get pants on to make it to the ER! Screaming in fear and in terrible pain in the car on the way to the ER because the contractions hurt so bad and I was so fearful that this day was the last time that I’d get to carry him with me and sadly it was.
Doctors appointments every week to check on him and hear confirmation from my Doctor that my baby will be okay, injections weekly to strengthen my cervix to help my baby stay with me, short paychecks from constantly needing to be off work for appointments or being exhausted, Body was sore, breasts were hard as tennis balls and hurt like hell due to milk drying up, passing out in the hospital, blood transfusion, IV's forced in my hands and guess what Im still not a real Mom! Pre-term labor AGAIN!!!!! I delivered him in the CAR!!!! Contractions every minute while screaming and then I felt him come out and I couldnt help him! They let me hold him and keep the blanket that they wrapped him in but thats not enough!!!!!!!
When you’ve turned EVERYTHING into WE, started thinking about Christmas trees and holding him to unwrap gifts, thinking about being a sports Mom, waking up every morning saying "Good Morning my sunshine" while rubbing my belly to just be left with NOTHING but disappointment and emptiness! I felt and still feel like I’m being punished, I will never know why my little baby couldnt live! To feel like youre not worthy enough to carry a child is real hopeless feeling. My life turned to crap in less than 7 hours (went to bed happy, woke up devastated)!! Well, it was a BOY! My little Angel didnt make it! Karmello A. H. ~Mommy will love you FOREVER!!!!
Still Beating Hearts LLC. is a Non-Profit Organization that has been created by Founder Ayanna Sims which symbolizes our babies hearts beating with us always and FOREVER in spirit although they are no longer with us physically. Still Beating Hearts LLC. is here to provide emotional support, shared experiences, strength and most importantly: Hope. My Organization is dedicated to Angel Mother’s and Father’s who have lost a child as a result of, but not limited to: Miscarriage, SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome), SUID (Sudden Unexpected Death) Stillborn, Ectopic Pregnancy, TTC (Trying to Conceive), Murder, etc... .
The loss of a child in any manner can emotionally and physically destroy a person as it did for me so I would like to have a night dedicated to all Angel Parents. I would like to have a night dedicated to us all to remind us that we are worthy.
My goal with the Still Beating Hearts Organization is to have an annual Dinner where Women and Men like us can share their stories, enjoy live entertainment, and just have a night dedicated to our babies and life because they matter.
-I would like to raise enough money to fund this benefit dinner and eventually have an Office established that is open for Angel Parents to come in, talk and participate in activities when they feel the need to, like a Safe Haven for us.
All donations from this account will fund the Angel Parents dinner (Venue, food, decorations, etc...). I am hoping that enough funds will be raised to have this event this Spring/Summer. My goal for this dinner is to provide a beautiful night of love for Angel Moms, Dads and family/friends of those who have suffered a loss! I would like this night to include a Poet, Live Band or DJ, Beauty services for Angel Parents, Relaxation coach (as in someone who can provide techniques on meditating, yoga, etc....) and gift bags for all Angel Parents, however, I cannot do this without your help.
Some people may not know how emotionally scarring this tragedy can be to a person. This night of joy is needed to process healing and not feel alone.
Please view my Facebook page @Stillbeatinghearts or https://www.facebook.com/pg/StillBeatingHeartsLLC/about/.
Thank you so much for all of your help.