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Please Don’t Say it’s Over....!!??

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Honestly just had a bloody hard life or some bad bad luck...

It all started from age 16 when I was poorly diagnosed with Crohn’s disease and have never really accepted it from ending up with a stoma bag at age 17 and bowel resection surgery at age 18 robbing me of my teenage years! From rocking on my hospital bed in the dark to learning to walk again from a hunched over position to upright again over the months and years!

It was then the depression started and has had me ever since!!

Months and years went by still coping with everything fighting infections, an abscess leading to a fistula thus leaving me with fissures. Not to forget the numerous wound packing after wound packing sessions to allow incisions to heal inside out.

Years later after being left looking like spaghetti junction the doctors agreed to fix my stomach and make me a new belly button and removed all the scars, leaving me with one scar hip to hip and a brand new belly button. That was suppose to be the start of my recovery, but boy was I wrong!!

Next comes the obstetric side of things!!

2009 my first ever pregnancy which ended in an ectopic pregnancy at 8 weeks and losing my right Fallopian tube causing some brand new scars on my new stomach, great! I was barely awake due to internal bleeding as it all happened so fast. But I recovered well and continued my fight.

Then in 2013 my second pregnancy and you guessed it...another right sided ectopic pregnancy at 5 weeks on the stump of my previous tube. Into surgery again, further scars added and to then be told I have numerous adhesions from all my surgeries causing things to stick where they shouldn’t be hence everything is right sided. Fantastic!!!

Next was a malignant cancerous mole, caught just in time with a minor operation to my arm. Yep another scar!!

Since all this fighting through a black cloud I managed to qualify and get my first job as a midwife in 2013 and give back some of the care I had received when I was poorly!!

It was then I searched within myself and took on another strong challenge of going at IVF ALONE. It worked, I can’t believe it worked first time. My beautiful daughter was born in 2015 and my life was what I thought to be completed.

But then in 2016/2017 I met my soul mate, my current partner who has taken to us extremely well and we have become a unit, a family who are just trying to add a sibling for their daughter.

2018 came around we decided to go for it. IVF here we come...

First Fresh IVF Failed. We was devastated!

Next a frozen embryo transfer and yep you guessed it, another failure. What is going on?

We then changed clinics and tried again in 2019.

Whilst we’re going through all of this my best friend was quite poorly and being treated for her depression over the last year which just progressively got worse and she was then diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Thankfully, she unsuccessfully tried to commit suicide that year but was devastatingly successful last year!! My already crushed and crashed world/heart just got smaller and darker. What the hell was I going to do without her!!! I am trying to find every single ounce of strength I have to push myself further and get this miracle rainbow baby for her, for me, for him, for us all!!!!

So...

Another fresh IVF cycle in August and I couldn’t believe it we were successful!! Yes we were pregnant,  but not for long. I couldn’t believe my eyes and ears when I heard the news “silent miscarriage” our world came crashing down!! Was I 9 weeks or was I 5 weeks either way our baby died!! D&C booked (thankfully no external scars, but you can only imagine the internal ones physically and mentally)

Two months passed and of course all I want to do give my daughter a sibling, my partner another child and me a newborn baby!!! Please why can’t I do it? Where is my Bestie?

Then in November 2019 a further Frozen embryo transfer and I prayed and prayed!!!

I can’t believe my luck. Those Two Pink Lines we’re getting darker and darker. We did it however over anxious and cautious. Clinic confirmed now just another two week wait, actually three for a scan!!!

Then 5weeks and 3days I started bleeding!! Never has this happened to me before our world started to come crashing down again. What is this blood? Why is this happening? What have I done? Ahhhhhhh I’m heartbroken. Partner called our clinic and they was as much help as a chocolate tea pot. Just said keep calm some bleeding is normal and we will bring your scan forward 3 days which means we will see you in 5 days time!!!! OMG!!!

Waiting Crying Waiting Crying

Suspected ectopic to then no baby to be found so I must have passed it with the bleed LAST WEEK!!


Yep 2nd miscarriage diagnosed. Where is our rainbow baby

This is virtually a snapshot of most of my life in front of you!! It just doesn’t get any better!! But we’re praying it will...?

Thank You in Advance 

NCJ

Organizer

Natasha Carrington-James
Organizer

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