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On Saturday, October 4th, I packed my car up to venture out of town to see my mom- I haven't seen her in quite a many months, so I brought everything- all my electronics, all of my art I've made throughout college, all my paints, everything that made me feel at home.

I had bought a car at the very end of May- I spent about $8,000 on my own money, paid it in full, and I felt really good about myself. Honestly, just about right after I drove it off the lot I started having problems with it, but I had a car and I thought "as long as I can get from point A to point B, it'll be okay"

I was about 15 minutes into my drive when I noticed the loud whirring coming from the engine, and it was right at that moment that I heard a loud pop, and the vehicle lost control. I was able to swerve to the side of the road, turn on my hazards, but there was immediately black smoke that was pouring in through my windows so I panicked. I should've grabbed my bags- I didn't, I tried to turn off my car but it wouldn't work so I hopped out as fast as I could and called my mom.

When I was far enough away, I realized the bottom of my car had already started melting onto the road and a small flame was visible, and that's when I called the police. People even ran out with fire extinguishers, 3 to be exact, but whatever they managed to put out only came back stronger. The effort was appreciated, I just kept panicking and asking over the phone if I should try to save my things. I was scared of a huge explosion, as I had just refilled my tank entirely in hopes to make it to Mom's safe.

I used my last $25 to entirely fill my tank; when I graduated college with a Bachelor's in July, I felt like I had turned a new leaf in my life. My grandma's dying wish for me was to finish college, so I did- now what? I felt like I was slowly suffocating in work that didn't fulfill me, my body ached to a degree I have never experienced, and I just felt so hallow. Art and music have always been my #1 methods of not only coping, but also methods to help in my personal fufillment. After I completed my summer internship, I made the decision to trust myself to be a full-time artist. I am still reeling, as I didn't have a lot of faith in myself throughout college, therefore nobody knew what I was capable of but I sought to change that. I have been working on a website, making stickers, doing everything I possibly could to get by and make it work. I made the investment into myself; I bought myself a new iPad to learn digital art and I felt myself slowly understanding how to create works in a way I was unused to. I won't lie, it's been a major struggle, but I've never felt more fufilled. It feels like a dumb decision, now that I'm in this position that I don't know how best to ensure I am able to even pay my rent or phone bill. I had even applied a number of places, jobs are hard to come by right now.

I lost all of the artwork I had created while in college. They pulled the bubbled up portfolio and waterlogged portraits out of the back seat, and I didn't really know how to react. I now have nothing to show for my time in college, I was going to let my mom keep whatever works she wanted because she has been my sole supporter in terms of supporting my dreams. I even packed new canvases and my paints so we could have craft time together- because those were in the front seat, they were reduced to black piles of residue.

My mom and I have a complex relationship, I have recently been learning to trust her again. I went into the fostercare system towards the end of my middle school experience, and it was only in the past few months that we've started to build a healthy connection. I've been scared to even leave my house most days, but all I wanted was to ignore the world outside and just go "home" for a while. Instead I lost everything. As I type this, I'm sitting on my bed with no sheets, surrounded by things that I realize have just been taking up space. Everything I genuinely care about was just burned in front of me. My baby blanket, my grandma's rosary, all burnt the same and now rendered useless.

While I work on filing claims and getting myself back together, I need help more than ever. I'm usually really good at never asking for help and taking care of myself, I'm really good at it because that's how I've learned to traverse this world, but I am needing as much help as I can get.