this is my reality ☀️ I'm sorry if I seem like two different people at different times of the month, I'm sorry if my intensely paranoid anxiety affects our relationship, I'm sorry if I'm over the top and bombard you with messages because I'm terrified of you leaving me and I'm sorry if my behaviours seem repetitive or hurtful to you when that's never my intention. You've probably noticed that this seems to spring up out of nowhere after me being fine for a while and there's a very linear pattern to this.
PMDD is caused by an abnormal reading and perception in your brain, to normal hormone fluctuations that happen during ovulation. For this reason, PMDD is often misdiagnosed as hormone levels show up normally on blood tests, the issue is within the brains hypersensitivity to the regular fluctuations.
My PMDD symptoms are extremely severe and have continued to increase with age which is quite common, and from ovulation to the time I get my period I experience a near instant complete shift in my perception of reality, suicidability, excessive irritability, lack of ability to concentrate, irrational thought processes, anxiety, paranoia, horrific fear that everyone hates me, is leaving, that I've done something wrong, that I'm trapped in this with no further options, and that leads to such a spiral of thoughts that I have very very little concious control over my ability to convince my brain to listen to me instead of the hormones it is disproportionately reading.
Ive been through so much treatment for various diagnoses for the past 10+ years to only minimal help and much of that reason is because no matter how much psychological help I get, my symptoms are hugely and deeply based in biology & my endocrine system, not psychology. Having been treated for BPD, ADHD, Major Depressive Disorder, Complex PTSD, and other diagnoses, but not ever fully responding to the treatments, i have always pushed doctors to recognise how seriously I mean it when I am "fine" and "normal" for 2-3 weeks then experience a complete shift in reality.
My symptoms are like clockwork and completely subside within HOURS of me beginning to bleed on my period, as happened again today and prompted me to finally make this status. It is terrifyingly predictable and even more terrifying to know that it is inevitablably coming back no matter what I do.
Unfortunately, especially as it only affects those of us who are AFAB, PMDD research is seriously lacking as is the case with many disorders which do not affect the cis male population.
This cycle has been my reality for over 10 years now, with multiple doctors downplaying, minimising and straight out invalidating the existence of PMDD but it's a very, very real thing (and factually it's been added to the DSM5 etc with many studies conducted - but definitely still not enough).
The doctors who have listened, validated and tried to help have exhausted treatment options with me, tried them again and then some, and my body unfortunately has not been receptive to these as my PMDD and the extent to which my body misreads my hormone fluctuations is extremely severe.
My last option is to get a full hysterectomy including ovaries and I will be pushing to pursue this option as soon as I possibly can, which is an extremely difficult process especially considering I'm under 30-40 and have not had kids yet. The severity of this illness is so extreme that I have made a choice to pursue this surgery even with the loss of possibly carrying my own children one day, but I would hopefully like to harvest eggs if I'm at all able to financially at the time.
PMDD is the primary reason I have not worked for a few years now, so I do not have any money to cover this surgery yet there is no option left for moving forward until I get this done. I am hoping with the extensive recorded medical history of continually trying to fix this issue that my surgery will be covered by Medicare but I would be forever grateful if anyone could spare any change to help me have the possibility to harvest some eggs for possible future biological children, and to help cover the initial specialist appointment costs.
I love you all so much and I know this is something that has affected those I love around me countless times, I promise you I'm always trying, it's just gotten to a point where it's extremely difficult if not impossible to override my endocrine system I'm desperate for this surgery to finally get my life back.
PLEASE feel free to reach out if you have any questions, if you experience this yourself and need advice or help or what to offer anything, and please inform yourself on this condition that is still so, so, so heavily misdiagnosed, invalidated, stigmatised, overlooked and ignored in the general population and the medical field