06/11/2021 EDIT: I received two pretty devastating diagnoses from the doctor yesterday. I need long-term treatment for both of them and honestly not sure how much it'd cost at this point. I have three medical and god-knows-how-many mental conditions I need to take care of now. I have to move and I'm also still in the middle of a battle with OCAD U administrators to ask for financial compensation for what they did (more details: https://www.instagram.com/p/COTcktRFk4V/) everything is tiring. life seems ruthless. Thank you to everyone who has shared and donated so far. I can't express how grateful I am for everyone's support. I hope one day I can re-pay you all.
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Hi friends, my name is Nilam, most of you know that.
For the past seven years, I've been trying to immigrate to NA from a third-world country and pursue my dreams in art, tech, and academia. Those who have been watching me throughout this process probably know how hard it is for me to get a visa, maintaining my studies/career while working multiple jobs, and keep up with my mental health and disabilities. I persisted through all hardships and got accepted into grad school in Canada, but all of my progress got wrecked by the pandemic.
The lack of mental health support didn't help. I reached out repeatedly but was ignored and denied care multiple times, I went to the ER six times in 2020 and I'm still not receiving much help. The school didn't help either, my one year's worth of progress went out the window, and I didn't get my degree. And like a domino, so did my 7 years' worth of immigration progress. On top of that, they found a cyst in my brain that I need medical care for. They're also suspecting that I might have an autoimmune disease because of my inflamed joints and torn ligaments.
I figured that maybe I do need to take a break and go home. Take care of myself and my chronically ill mother whom I loved so much and probably doesn't have much time left, I don't want to regret not seeing her while I still can. Maybe also figure out property inheritance. I also realized that never got the time to properly grieve my late father who I lost when I was 19, right before I moved to The US. I can't keep fighting with both my mental and physical health deteriorating anyway. But it's also very scary moving home.
It's scary to move back home because my home country, Indonesia, isn't a very safe place for me for the following reasons: 1) I'm queer. I don't pass as cis/straight. Indonesia isn't very queer-friendly. Summer'19 I visited home and was harassed out of bathrooms a couple of times. It wasn't very nice. 2) I have an abusive family member I have to share living space with. 3) Mental health awareness is far from accepting, neither is our mental healthcare. Anxiety and depression are barely acknowledged, let alone my laundry list of mental diagnoses. There are also many other cultural and religious reasons that are too nuanced to explain here. I don't even know if I could get a stable job or recover.
So here we are. I barely scrape by, still have debts to pay, I can't afford all of these things I need to do to safely transition until I get a handle on things again. My mom is offering to help me with the expenses as she always does, but even then it's still not enough. The money I am asking for is to help me cover the cost of cross continents moving (cargo and tickets), medical & mental treatments, everyday needs & utilities so I don't have to live with my abuser, and have enough recovery time to get back up again.
I'm sorry to be asking for financial assistance again, it isn't the easiest to ask for help, and even harder to ask for financial help. But I can't see any other way out of this. I promise once I get back up on my feet, I will shine again and give back to my communities. One day when I'm healthy and have taken care of things at home, I'll come back to pursue my dreams and see all of my lovely friends again.
(P.S. I got accepted to Univ of Toronto and Cranbrook Academy for Fall 2021! Isn't that cool? I try to be proud but it's very bittersweet to me that I can't accept their admission offers)
Love,
Nilam