Need therapy to get suicidal thoughts out of mind

Hi guys, I don't know how to start this. 
I don't think i can explain. I don't know if i deserves this but let me try at least once. 

I don't know whats going on inside my head. I'm at a point where i think it would be better if i wasn't breathing anymore. Because i can't take this pain anymore. 

I feel like just taking my life then at least i won't have to die everyday. 

I lost my job due to covid, I lost my girlfriend who cheated on me. I lost friends because i couldn't connect with anyone anymore and was distanted from everyone. 

I feel like telling everyone whos happening inside my head but i also fear that no one will understand me and call me crazy. 

I want to live once again. I wish everything could just go back to how it was. I wish i couldn't care about otherwise and supported my self for once. 

But what could i do. This is who i am. I helped everyone as far as i could. But when i need help my self i can't even ask anyone. Because everyone thinks i just need to move on with life and not think too much. 

But how could i stop thinking about the good times. How could i stop thinking of the things i had or dreamed of. How can i accept things the way it is when all my life i worked for it. I invested soo much efforts in and now all of sudent I'm living with my mum and don't have anything to show for. 

How can i just accept that? 

How can can i start all over again knowing i once had everything and lost it because i wanted good for others. How can i trust peoples again knowing they betrayed me and used me. 

How can i share my feelings with others without getting called crazy. 

I didn't listen to people before i trusted my own guts but now all of sudent everyone seem to be right and I'm the only one left behind. 

I can't take this pain anymore. But i also can't share it with anyone. 

I'm bored and tired of just staying in one room for hours and hours, days after days. I don't even have the courage to do anything anymore. Don't even have the courage to take my own life neither. I don't even feel like a man anymore. I can't show anyone i can't tell anyone. I don't know what to do anymore. 

I've heard about this therapy near me and sinces last night i haven't slept keep thinking this might be the place. They might be able to help me. But i can't afford the sessions. 

But i can't even ask anyone for help right now. No one willing to help.  And the ones are i just don't know how to ask them. I don't have a face to show them. 

This is why i turned here today. I don't know how this works and i don't know if anyone will ever see this. But if you are then i would like to ask you for one chance in life again. So i can try and see whats going on inside my head. I want to see if there is anything that can do to get this out of my head. 

I just want just one chance in life again. 

I never said this to anyone before but today I'm asking you all. Please help me if you can. Please help me pay off my debt Please help me get my confidence back. Please help me stay alive.

I don't know why but i felt so good just typing here. I don't know if anyone will ever read this. But if felt good felt like I'm actually talking to a friend and sharing whats going inside my head. 

Thank you so much for reading this and I'm sorry for wasting you're time. 
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