My Journey to be a Mommy

I wish someone would have told me before starting out on this journey that trying to have a baby is not for the faint of heart. I wish they would have told me that it will make you redefine the meaning of heart ache. I wish someone would have told me that in the process you are going to lose friends, and potentially your partner if your relationship can't withstand the strain. I wish someone would have told me that it turns you into someone you never met at times and you will feel like the world is mocking you and that the road will get lonely. You will spend hours beating yourself up for your food choices that month because the 100,000 "what if's" play on repeat in your head. You will torture yourself by looking at the baby stroller, the cribs, and the amazingly cute outfits you can't buy. You will hide everyone that becomes pregnant on your facebook page, you will avoid baby showers like the plague and you will wonder," why not me?," more times than you wish to count. I wish someone would have told me to take stock in First Response because you will be buying a lot of them. You will all to soon give up believing that they actual work when you have taken more than a dozen and they all come back negative. I wish someone would have told me it isn't as easy as "trying" to get pregnant and that you better have patience or borrows someone else's because you do a lot of waiting. I guess most of all I wish someone would have told me "it's going to be okay." That you will feel like giving up,after you have shed more tears than you thought humanly possible, but you hold on to the hope that some day you'll get there. You know that giving up on the dream of having a baby is worse than not having one at all when it is all you have ever wanted.1,825 days and counting I still wish. 5 years I have waited, hoped and prayed to become a mom. Each month going through the different stages of grief when the second line fails to show up and finding the strength to try again. All the while holding on to the hope that one one day I will hold a baby and see my own eyes starring back at me and at the same time wondering if I am just preparing my heart for something that will never come.
My journey started 5 years ago when I went to my OBGYN thinking i was pregnant and walked out diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and infertility issues. A year later, after trying to get pregant naturally and failing, we were referred to a infertility specialist. Then came the testing; the bloodwork, the HSG's, the ultrasounds, the hormone pills. They told me it would be a difficult, challenging process due to my diagnosis. I don't know if my stubborness comes naturally or if it is gentic but I have done difficult,overcome challenging and never put can't in my vocabulary. So I wasn't about to start. I would just come up with a plan, execute it and reach my goal ( or so I thought.) Then came the PCOS books, gluten free diets, scrutnizing everything that went into my body, working out, trying to gain weight for a healthy BMI, I was going to have a baby if I just did.every thing.right. Fast forward 3 years and thousands of dollars later, there were more hormone pills for him, and schedules to follow and procedures. By this time I am coming up with rediculous scenarios from keeping myself from giving up. For example, once we have a house I will get pregnant. We bought a house after renting for 7 years...still no baby. At year 4, I decided that if I was never going to have a baby I needed something to pour my love into, so we got puppies to take my heart and mind off of my baby blues.This year while I was trying to figure out how I was going to be okay with never having a child, we had a visit with my infertility specialist who shed some light into thee darkness that infertility had thrown me into. She said that there was still a chance that we could have a baby but it probably wouldn't be naturally. Our only option at this point is to do invitrofertilization. With my hope renewed we started the process. Again, more bloodwork, more HSGs, more ultrasounds. With each doctor's visit the blackness seemed to lift. She said that I am young enough still, I have a beautiful cavity and more than enough folicles to have a baby (you need 11. I have 19 on one side 21 on the other) and all these things combined would make for a highly successful procedure. The only drawback... invitrofertilization is not covered by insurance. UVM Fletcher Allen Hospital offers a global package that would cover everything else but it come at a heavy price tag. At this point, we find ourselves 7,000 short of fufilling the financial obligation. I would do just about anything to become pregnant and be a mom, thus why I am here, asking for help.
I want to make sure that I did everything I can before I give up on on my dream of having a child, becoming a mother and adding to our family a reality. If you can relate to our story, want to donate to our situation or just want to share our journey we would be forever grateful.