moving out to another country

(Just so you know Abigail is not my real name)

Tw/ suicide, self harm

I don’t know who’s gonna read this but I just want to let this out because have no one. This doesn’t really have correlation with this song but Um Ever since I was young (toddler age) I’ve had issues with my parents. It’s nothing serious it’s just they’ve always compared me to my big brother because he was smarter and up to their par. They also have the tendency to guilt trips me sometimes but I guess that’s just them being strict. This makes me feel really self aware of myself and to only know how to study since preschool causing me to not really be that socially active. I was not a loner or anything it’s just no one was really there. I still had friends it’s just I’m definitely replaceable to them.

At around the age of 7/8? I realized that hurting myself makes me feel good (I don’t know what self harm really is as I don’t have access towards internet at that time) so I usually took something sharp (like a pin or metal ruler) and dragged it across my thighs every time I’m alone and I feel like I deserved it I really hate myself and that makes me feel slightly better.

When I turn 9 I decided to just end my life right then. Our country was very religious so anyone who tried to suicide get fined and thrown to jail. So my thinking at that time was that I need to end it all but without a trace (as in no one would know what I was planning) and I found out about hanging yourself from the local news about a man getting death penalty. The thing is I don’t have rope nearby so I decided to use father’s belt. And I set it up and all but things doesn’t work out because of the length I think(?) I’m not really sure so I’ve decided to try again later.

A few weeks later I learnt about overdosing yourself with drugs. Of course we have no drugs but I thought any pills would do the trick. I rummaged around the house and found lots of paracetamol and decided that 15 is enough to kill me. I took all of them but nothing happen. I thought it’s because of the amount and decided to try again around a month later with the amount increased. Nothing happens again except for headaches and feeling like I’m gonna pass out. This goes on for a couple of months with the amount increasing every time (to not arouse suspicion I also change the type of pills a lot).

The end of the year when I was 11 we got our finals result. It’s not the best (30th out of 800 people in my grade) I think it’s quite good so I don’t think much of it. Come a few days later my parents dragged me in front of our house in the middle of the evening when a lot of my neighbours are outside along with my brother too and started to scold me. I felt so humiliated and I hate myself more. My father said I was a disappointment of the family and it sticks to me until today. I don’t know what to do, I want to die but I’m scared my parents gonna be happy because I’m gone and forget about me. So I decided to bury myself in school work and more studying. I also develop this small delusion that I’m happy. That I have nice house, nice family, nice everything and began telling all of my friends that. And I don’t know how to stop, each day the lies just become bigger. I can’t stop lying. And I’m scared they’re gonna find out but I can’t skip school.

Our important exam was when I was 12 (around the end of the year) and I pass with flying colours. I was the only one with all As but as they announced the result I can’t feel anything. I feel nothing . It feels very empty. But I have act like I’m happy. Since then I realized I can’t feel excitement anymore. I used to feel pumped when riding rollercoaster but I feel empty, I used to be happy celebrating my birthday but nothing. Everything just seems empty. I’m still happy from time to time but I can’t feel excitement.

(13) Moving on my mother enroll me in a good elite boarding school without telling me. But I thought it was a good opportunity to get away from my family. It didn’t. Everything sucks. I feel worse than ever I tried telling my mother but all she said was everyone’s on the same boat and that all of my friends were feeling the same and it will pass soon and guilt trip me. There’s no use arguing. Because this is an elite boarding school bullying is normalise. As I said before I wasn’t really socially capable which makes the seniors look down on me. I was loss. I tried again killing myself using pills same thing, nothing happen. I do have lots of friends but I lot of them rely and depend on me so I have to be strong.

Then there’s this one counsellor. I thought I’m finally gonna be okay. I tell her my problems because I trusted her. She makes me feel safe. Even though her advice mostly is just to pray to god (and I’m not praying enough). But I finally feel like I have someone to talk to. But my situation at home is worse than ever so i cut way more than I used to. On my neck, my stomach, everywhere no one would notice. But she finds out and started saying that I’m a burden, that if I die the school reputation gonna go bad, and saying that since I’m hopeless she’s gonna left me to think about my wrongdoing. But I trusted her so I chased and hug her and said I won’t do it again. I really hate myself.

The cutting turned worse but no one knows. I slash myself using a small razor blade from pencil sharpener. I do this in he middle of the night when everyone’s asleep and couldn’t stop. I slash and slash even on place where it’s already bleeding. My lying problem also don’t stop and it started to mess with my brain. I know that I’m delusional but I can’t stop. I don’t know how, I hate me.

14 came and everything’s slightly better except my grades and my brother just pass his last high school exam with perfect score. Comes the humiliation again. I’m so confused. The lying problem also started to bite back on me. I stopped slashing my body (not fully but it lessens). All of this however make me have panic attack. Lots of them when I’m alone I started to scream and cry and pull my hair. I really want to die. It happens almost every week. But no one knows, at that point I just want someone to find out so I can finally feel like someone cares about me. No one does. I hate hate hate myself for being this way but I don’t know what to do. I forgot to send in my homework and my teacher said that I don’t belong there. It tore me but I know she was right. I hate it.

15 came and life was just empty. I move to another place so I have to quit the boarding school and went back to normal day high school. Everything was fine except it was so empty. I had tons of good friends but I feel lonely. My lying issues has tuned down a bit but it’s still there. My brother is at home as he doesn’t have a job nor were studying but he hangs out with his friends most of time. That’s when I learnt how to sneak out. Not to a friend house or anything just sneaking out to the town, the mall because my parents never allowed me to go out even with them. And I feel happy. Not excited but it makes me feel genuinely happy. Our house have cctv but i learnt how to make them loop. At the end of the year my brother got a university acceptance letter to become a teacher and he took it. The humiliation comes again. Nothing new.

I’m 16 now I still self harm but at this point I stopped caring. I don’t wear seatbelts. I crossed the street without looking both ways. I throw up my meals. Anything that could make me hurt or die but I don’t want to make it seem like suicide because if it doesn’t work out I don’t have money to pay for the fine. I hate myself so much. It feels good to let this out. Once I’m 18 I want to move out and move to another country. So only two years. It seems far fetched but I want to be better. I know I will never be the same because I grew up with it but maybe I’ll be happier. I’ve been joining lots of competition to earn money so that I can fund my tuition/manage my living overseas if I don’t get scholarships. Thus the reason I started the gofundme to help cover some of the cost. I don’t want to feel like this forever but there’s nothing I can do now, except to earn lots and lots of money I hope my dreams will come true. : D

If you do donate, thank you so much and please pray for me..
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