Megan's Eating Disorder Treatment
Donation protected
Hello Friends,
This isn’t easy for me to do and asking for help is completely outside my comfort zone, as I have always been one to work hard for what I want and I’ve come to realize slowly that its okay to ask for help and that doesn’t make me weak or a bad person.
This past year has been one of the hardest/tiring/most humbling years I have gone through. Since June of 2017 I have undergone intensive residential, PHP (partial hospitalization) treatment for my Anorexia Nervosa something I have battledwith for the past 9 years without any sort of prior treatment because up until June I was in denial that there was any sort of problem and had I not accepted the fact that things were not okay and I needed help, I honestly don’t think I would be here today. In June of 2017 I walked through the doors of a residential treatment facility where I spent 4 months; I then stepped down to PHP level of care where I spent 2 weeks before I had to get moved back up to a residential facility. I now am in PHP level of care and have been for the past 5 months. This hasn’t been an easy journey, and I’m grateful for the opportunity I have been given to receive treatment and have a phenomenal treatment team by my side. However since entering treatment i have not been able to work, I have been fighting harder each and every day, and this part of my story isn’t over. The funds that I am raising will go to medical expenses , medications, groceries. I am so beyond grateful for my support systems, and for any amount given. If supporting financially is not something you are in a position to do feel no need. Your kind words, encouragement and prayer will mean more than I can ever tell you. Thank you again and again from the bottom of my heart.
Heres a bit of my story
I’ve debated sharing this for months, afraid of the judgement , what people might think and who would find out kept me from going through with it but living in shame, and being afraid of something that has been apart of my life for the past 9 years seems silly . This is my story with battling anorexia . Eating disorders thrive in silence , and I’m writing this today to speak up against the silence around it. Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any other mental illness, they are glamorized , and made into humor in the media . There is nothing funny or glamorous about eating disorders. There is nothing glamorous or funny about the fact that for the past nine years I have been at war with myself , never feeling good enough , constantly feeling like a burden , feeling like all that I could control was what I put into my body when things felt like they were out of my control! I’ve spent the past nine years of my life trying to conform to what my Eating Disorder said I needed to be and what I needed to look like . The thing is though it was never enough , my eating disorders goal was always changing. I always had to lose more weight, always had to run that extra mile, not allow myself eat despite how hungry I knew I was and in the end I completely lost myself and almost lost my life . I was living in my own personal hell. I went through ups and downs trying to do “recovery” on my own, denying myself and convincing everyone around me that I was just a picky eater and didn't have a problem. It wasn’t until somebody told me that they didn't see me living to the end of the year that I realized things might not be okay. So I did all the work to get myself in to treatment, that process alone was anxiety provoking and I kept thinking of 100 different reasons why I didn't think I needed treatment, but I stuck with it and followed through and it has been and will probably be the best choice i will have ever made.
Eating disorders are not just about “wanting to loose weight” in fact that really has nothing to do with it at all, there is a lot more to it that I have uncovered and dug into since entering treatment. It isn’t as simple as “just eat” the mental tug a war one struggling with an eating disorder goes through is something I would never wish on anyone. Food had become a fear, I had spent so long restricting myself from things that once I was faced with them I spiraled into instant panic and my body just shut down. SO PLEASE if you know anyone struggling or has struggled with an Eating Disorder if I can give you any sort of advice PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE never tell your loved one “to just eat” “get over it, just fix it already” because its not that simple trust me we all wish it was. I’ve spent the last 8 months in intensive residential and outpatient treatment , doing the things I’ve never thought I could do, crying over food , or the shape of the bowl my food is in for that matter! Through all the panic attacks and anxiety filled days , meals , and snacks I’ve kept pushing myself, finding and connecting to more of who I am each day. Recovery is not linear and some days and weeks are a lot harder than others but I refuse to let my Eating disorder take another day. I’ve spent the past nine years living the way my eating disorder wanted me to and it’s time I start living my life the way I Want to . This isn’t a life I want to live; I have goals to reach and I’m determined to make my dreams a reality non of which involve an eating disorder. I’m sharing my story so maybe somebody reading it will get the help they have been afraid to get , trust me I was there but getting help honestly saved my life .
This isn’t easy for me to do and asking for help is completely outside my comfort zone, as I have always been one to work hard for what I want and I’ve come to realize slowly that its okay to ask for help and that doesn’t make me weak or a bad person.
This past year has been one of the hardest/tiring/most humbling years I have gone through. Since June of 2017 I have undergone intensive residential, PHP (partial hospitalization) treatment for my Anorexia Nervosa something I have battledwith for the past 9 years without any sort of prior treatment because up until June I was in denial that there was any sort of problem and had I not accepted the fact that things were not okay and I needed help, I honestly don’t think I would be here today. In June of 2017 I walked through the doors of a residential treatment facility where I spent 4 months; I then stepped down to PHP level of care where I spent 2 weeks before I had to get moved back up to a residential facility. I now am in PHP level of care and have been for the past 5 months. This hasn’t been an easy journey, and I’m grateful for the opportunity I have been given to receive treatment and have a phenomenal treatment team by my side. However since entering treatment i have not been able to work, I have been fighting harder each and every day, and this part of my story isn’t over. The funds that I am raising will go to medical expenses , medications, groceries. I am so beyond grateful for my support systems, and for any amount given. If supporting financially is not something you are in a position to do feel no need. Your kind words, encouragement and prayer will mean more than I can ever tell you. Thank you again and again from the bottom of my heart.
Heres a bit of my story
I’ve debated sharing this for months, afraid of the judgement , what people might think and who would find out kept me from going through with it but living in shame, and being afraid of something that has been apart of my life for the past 9 years seems silly . This is my story with battling anorexia . Eating disorders thrive in silence , and I’m writing this today to speak up against the silence around it. Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any other mental illness, they are glamorized , and made into humor in the media . There is nothing funny or glamorous about eating disorders. There is nothing glamorous or funny about the fact that for the past nine years I have been at war with myself , never feeling good enough , constantly feeling like a burden , feeling like all that I could control was what I put into my body when things felt like they were out of my control! I’ve spent the past nine years of my life trying to conform to what my Eating Disorder said I needed to be and what I needed to look like . The thing is though it was never enough , my eating disorders goal was always changing. I always had to lose more weight, always had to run that extra mile, not allow myself eat despite how hungry I knew I was and in the end I completely lost myself and almost lost my life . I was living in my own personal hell. I went through ups and downs trying to do “recovery” on my own, denying myself and convincing everyone around me that I was just a picky eater and didn't have a problem. It wasn’t until somebody told me that they didn't see me living to the end of the year that I realized things might not be okay. So I did all the work to get myself in to treatment, that process alone was anxiety provoking and I kept thinking of 100 different reasons why I didn't think I needed treatment, but I stuck with it and followed through and it has been and will probably be the best choice i will have ever made.
Eating disorders are not just about “wanting to loose weight” in fact that really has nothing to do with it at all, there is a lot more to it that I have uncovered and dug into since entering treatment. It isn’t as simple as “just eat” the mental tug a war one struggling with an eating disorder goes through is something I would never wish on anyone. Food had become a fear, I had spent so long restricting myself from things that once I was faced with them I spiraled into instant panic and my body just shut down. SO PLEASE if you know anyone struggling or has struggled with an Eating Disorder if I can give you any sort of advice PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE never tell your loved one “to just eat” “get over it, just fix it already” because its not that simple trust me we all wish it was. I’ve spent the last 8 months in intensive residential and outpatient treatment , doing the things I’ve never thought I could do, crying over food , or the shape of the bowl my food is in for that matter! Through all the panic attacks and anxiety filled days , meals , and snacks I’ve kept pushing myself, finding and connecting to more of who I am each day. Recovery is not linear and some days and weeks are a lot harder than others but I refuse to let my Eating disorder take another day. I’ve spent the past nine years living the way my eating disorder wanted me to and it’s time I start living my life the way I Want to . This isn’t a life I want to live; I have goals to reach and I’m determined to make my dreams a reality non of which involve an eating disorder. I’m sharing my story so maybe somebody reading it will get the help they have been afraid to get , trust me I was there but getting help honestly saved my life .
Organizer
Megan Sullivan
Organizer
Fallbrook, CA
