This is a lot to say. And it's hard to type. There's nothing else I can do. It's embarrassing. But I wake up every day, scared that I'm going to die because my body, my brain, is broken.
For those of you who do not know me closely, I grew up neglected by my parents. I have not seen a proper medical doctor since before I was 15 years old. It has been 11 years since my body was looked at by someone who could tell me what was wrong. When I left home, I was 19, and all the money I had in the world was the money I was granted by FAFSA. Between the ages of 17 and 23, I lived in various friends' homes. Sometimes for a week. My longest stay was two years. There was no time, no resources, no ability to get medical help.
I have no family left who cares to reach out and help me. Nobody to take responsibility for leaving me alone with my parents, and then alone with myself when I left them. I have nobody to ask "why didn't you help me when you knew something was wrong with me?"
I need medication. I cannot live like this any more. I have suffered breakdown after breakdown, most quietly, some of them loudly. Sometimes I hope to have the police called. Sometimes I hope to be Baker Acted. Sometimes I hope maybe this time I'll hurt myself badly enough that it can't be ignored. Sometimes I hope that this time is the last time and I'll never have to deal with it.
It's getting worse. Every day that goes by without help is harder than the last. Because I'm either scared that today is the day I'm going to do something stupid, or I'm angry that I'm not getting treated. I'm not getting help. I wonder how bad it has to get before somebody stops and decides I'm worth helping. And that's not a fair or rational thought, but there's nothing stopping those thoughts.
Right now, the primary purpose of this GoFund, is dental care. Several months ago, I had 5 teeth pulled (4 wisdom teeth and 1 molar) and that was a lot of money. At the time, the oral surgeon told me that my teeth were not in good shape, of course, but there was time to get them fixed. I didn't have the money then and I don't have it now, but I'm running out of time. Part of the factors of the 5,500 is the cost for a total deep cleaning of my teeth, as recommended by the Oral Surgeon, particularly on my front bottom teeth, which, due to their crooked position in my mouth, have a large amount of deep plaque that is causing those gums to loosen.
Another thing needed, as far as dental care goes, is getting my teeth straightened. This was, of course, something my parents could have done that would have left my teeth easier to care for and clean, but they didn't. They left it for adult Abigail to deal with, and without money or dental insurance, my options are:
1. Leave the teeth where they are and lose them because they sit in positions where they cannot be cleaned by normal means.
2. Go into debt by spending money I don't have to straighten them.
My teeth are my most major cause of stress and anxiety. I'm scared every day that I'm going to flat-out lose my teeth because I cannot afford to fix them. However, I also need other medical attention outside of my teeth. I need to have my heart examined, and suffer from intermittent chest pains. I experience sharp pains in my sides and back, and have a family history of scoliosis and MS. My mother had many medical problems that were likely to have been passed on to me, such as Graves' Disease and Ovarian Cancer. I need to be screened for these ailments and have no means of affording it or potential treatment.
I live every day in irrational fear, and need medication. I have always needed it and have always been denied it. I am a danger to myself when this fear and anger blows out of proportion and all I can do is wonder why it has gone on for this long. All I can do is wonder what I have to do to be taken seriously.
But because I cannot afford to fix these problems, I am failed by the system. I am left to suffer. I am suffering and I don't want to, and if my life depends on money to keep going, then there is no point. There's no point to trying. And I go to sleep every night wondering how much longer this is going to go on before I am asked to choose between all the money I have in the world (My home, my food, my water) and my life. This isn't how anybody should live, but I do it, and I try to do it quietly because I know I made it this far, so I should be thankful.
I'm afraid of dying from something totally preventable because I couldn't afford it.
I'm afraid of losing my teeth because I could not afford to address the damage done by an abusive home life before I was 20.
I'm afraid of never being able to have children because I could not afford to prevent my own health complications.
I'm afraid of hurting myself or someone else because I could not afford to take a pill every day to help me.
It's hard to watch other people receive the help I deserved, and that's not a rational reaction. I feel like nothing I think about is rational anymore because every day is just fear. I do nothing but feel afraid and lonely. I know I have people who care about me, but I need more than that. I need help. I need medication and medical attention. I need to feel like my life is still going to be worth living a year from now, ten years from now. I need to feel like it's worth planning for those things, because right now I don't. Right now it feels pointless to care about the future because I don't even know if I'm okay right now.
I need to be looked at by someone and given for treatment for the things I already know I need. I'm doing my best by trying to find better employment with Health Care Benefits, but it's difficult to find that as well as a job that will still pay enough to cover my rent and cost of living.
I have nice things to look forward to. Things that have already been paid for, long in the future, to keep me going. To feel like no matter what, I have something to look forward to. But my quality of life is going downhill every day that goes by without knowing if it's too late to save my body from something preventable. I spend every day worrying about the cash value of my own life, and wondering why my own flesh and blood stopped caring about whether I lived or slowly died.
So I would appreciate any bit of help that can be offered towards this need. I do not expect to raise the full 5,500. It's the general estimate I have towards the cost of deep cleaning my teeth, as well as a physical check-up and maybe, if I'm lucky, a psychiatric consultation for medications. (Also GoFund will take at LEAST 3% of money raised.)
- Rob Obrien