In memory of our sweet angel Nova Grace Heyes

Thankyou first of all for checking out our go fund me! Our daughter was born sleeping on 28/07 at 33+3 weeks after a scan the previous day heartbreakingly showed she had no heartbeat. It is long, heartbreaking and brutally honest but this is our story and why and what we are trying to raise money for. 

 

For those of you that don't know us, our names are Sharnai and Charlie, and we are high school sweethearts, together since 03/01/2014. We are very much in love, and happy together and have always talked about wanting a family. I have endometriosis and so had been told it would be terribly difficult for us to conceive. Because of this we had decided we would start to try in Dec 2020 expecting it to take a good few months.

 

However, much to our surprise and excitement we found out on our anniversary I was expecting! We were nervous at first, as we had experienced three previous pregnancies over the years, all ending in miscarriage between five and six weeks. The first few weeks consisted of me being a bag of nerves and taking multiple pregnancy tests to make sure the pregnancy was progressing and the lines were getting darker.

 

We went for an early scan at around 8 weeks, and there she was, little jelly bean we called her, as she definitely looked like one on the scan but she was ours and healthy and we were excited. We got to listen to her heartbeat for the first time and it was just the most amazing day.

 

 

At around 10 weeks, I had a bleed and we rushed to A&E to make sure everything was okay terrified it would be another miscarriage. Alas it wasn't and a scan at the early pregnancy unit showed our little lady happy wriggling away, heart beating strongly. She was 10000% more like a baby now and we marvelled at how much she had changed and grown in just two weeks.

 

 

We had our 12 week scan and everything looked to be perfect. We then went for a private scan at 16 weeks finding out we were having a little princess. We were adamant she was a boy before this so it was a shock to say the least but we were happy so long as she was healthy, and quickly got excited sat in the car after the scan talking about the things we would do for and with her and the things we wished for her. We went and did a confetti pop to show our family the gender, they were spread between facetime and in person due to covid, but it was an amazing day full of happiness and everybody was so excited.

 

 

We had our 20 week scan and little bub was doing perfectly. I found out I had a clotting disorder from some bloods they had taken at my 12 week appointment due to my previous miscarriages and so from 20 weeks I started administering a blood thinning injection every day. But as painful as they were it didn't matter, my bump was growing by the day and it was all so worth it. I started feeling her kicking at about 21 weeks realising what I had been putting down as gas bubbles was actually my little lady dancing away in my belly and it was honestly the most amazing feeling every time I felt her wriggling away.

 

At my glucose test at 26 weeks, I was found to have gestational diabetes and so my whole diet changed. Previously, I loved a chocolate bar or something sweet, as I have a very sweet tooth anyway but especially in pregnancy. So it was hard at first, but Charlie was a great help cooking us fresh meals every night, and sticking to the same diet so I didn't feel like I was missing out on anything. My sharps tubs were soon filling up with my daily injections, and five finger pricking needles but again it didn't matter. I had bruised and pain filled fingers and thighs but every time she kicked it all melted away. I was just so excited to have her, and would do absolutely anything to keep her safe no matter how painful.

 

They arranged a growth scan for 28+3 weeks, as is usual for gestational diabetes. We went and our little sugar lump as we lovingly now called her, was perfect but on the 97th percentile for growth measuring roughly 3lb 8oz when the average for that gestation is 2lb 2oz. Her legs were showing as extra long too, which was typical considering her daddy is 6ft 1. The midwives assured me they weren't worried but the consultant started me on metformin non the less, to make sure my fasting blood sugar levels stayed down. The metformin came with horrendous side effects, causing me nausea, heartburn and constant diarrhoea just to name a couple. Again though, I was willing to walk through fire for this little girl and so I didn't mind at all.

 

My next growth scan was in 3 weeks time at 31+3, and again she was perfect, but measuring on the 97th percentile still. They put her down roughly as 5lb and assured me she would likely be coming early as I would probably be induced at 36 weeks. While we were worried for her being induced a week before what is considered full term, we were glad she seemed so healthy and big and honestly were just so excited to meet her. My main concerns was honestly how big she would end up by 36 weeks and whether I would be able to give birth naturally with no intervention.

 

I got home from the scan that day, and charlie didn't seem very well. We had done covid tests before the scan that morning and both had come back negative but I convinced him to go and get a drive thru PCR test done to make sure as my baby shower was that Saturday. We both got them done and on Thursday in the early hours received a text confirming charlie was positive but I was negative. In the hopes I wouldn't catch it I wore masks around the house and when taking him food as Charlie stayed confined to the bedroom but alas I tested positive on the Sunday and of course the baby shower had been cancelled, to be rearranged for another day. It was so nice to be able to give him a hug now I was positive but I was worried how covid would effect me, having quite a weak immune system and being pregnant. Plus my bump was growing by the day, and little lady was compressing my lungs more and more.

 

 

Roughly the first week with covid for me was alright, Charlie was on the mend and I didn't feel as though it was more than a mere cold, and feeling weak most days. But as the days went on, I felt like I was getting worse not better, and eventually on the Friday evening I rang the maternity triage for advice as I hadn't felt little lady move very much that day. They advised me to come in, but they were on divert so had to find me a different hospital to go into.

 

I ended up on the labour ward, and gradually got worse. One of the midwives said she was surprised I had waited so long to go in as my body seemed to be really struggling and my sats were low. My heart rate was 150, but even more worryingly baby girls heart rate was all over the place and had highs of 203 that I saw. I was scared, and unable to have Charlie with me.

 

I stayed on the ward for around 18 hours, having many tests, an ECG, bloods done and an x ray on my chest. Listening to the machine constantly beep due to one of our heart rates being up past an acceptable level was awful.

 

 

I was then was moved to the covid ward once my heart and little ladies had stabilised. I was so relieved she was back to wriggling away (see her awkward positioning above, heartbreakingly it's the last photo I got of my bump). The next day on the Sunday evening, the midwifes came across the do a ctg as the covid ward was happy I was through the worst of it. They were happy with baby girls movement, and happy with her heart rate so sent me home about 8pm.

 

I gladly messaged Charlie to pick me up and I was so happy to be finally getting home and able to see him. When we got home I went straight to bed, still feeling extremely poorly and having mild pains in my stomach I thought were gas pains as I had struggled to use the toilet while in hospital. Waking up the next day, I was still having the pains intermittently and assumed it was a potential uti due to it being so low and almost underneath my bump. I had had a catheter while in hospital so it wasn't too hard to believe this could be the case, and a quick Google confirmed it was common so it put my mind at ease.

 

I filled out an online form for my GP to give me a call back and left it at that. Little lady was a lot more quiet on the Monday but gave me a brief wriggle when I did the usual things that got her going so I wasn't too worried as she did usually have some quiet days. By the time the GP called me the next day I was already wondering if it really was a UTI and wondering whether to ring triage so when the GP called and advised me to give them a ring as it may be labour, I repacked my hospital bag and gave them a call. When on the phone I realised I hadn't felt baby girl move at all that day and my instincts were going off telling me something was off. We got in the car and went to the hospital, and the closer we got the more worried I was. 

 

We got there, and Charlie was asked to wait outside while they got me in a room because of covid. They wanted to get me hooked up to the trace before calling him in but the midwife had a struggle finding the heartbeat. She told me she could hear it faintly but that she wanted to do a scan to check everything was okay.

 

Before the scan even happened I was worried. As soon as she placed the doppler on me for the first time trying to hook me up to the trace I knew. Compared to how easily it was found usually by the midwives over the weekend, and by myself with my own doppler at home just the night before, I just knew. I called charlie to come in trying to remain calm for him, but I had a brief cry when he came in. He tried to reassure me everything would be fine.

 

We went through to the scan, and a consultant did the scan. As I watched his eyes grow more concerned again I knew, I just needed someone, anyone, to say it. He left the room to go and get another consultant, and again I broke down, I just knew that something was wrong. Afterwards, Charlie told me he had seen the screen when the first consultant was doing the scan and had seen her little heart unbeating but didn't want to worry me until it was confirmed and so he sat there, holding in his own pain and tears, holding me telling me everything was going to be okay. I honestly could not have more love for him if I tried.

 

The second consultant came in, and after a brief look asked if we wanted to see the screen. We said yes, and she slowly walked us through where everything was. I felt like screaming at her to just tell me but I know she was just doing her job and trying to make us as informed as possible while breaking the news as gently as possible.

 

I will never forget the way I felt when she said the words 'I'm so sorry but your baby has no heartbeat'. I don't know how long I sobbed for after that, I don't remember her leaving the room to give us privacy, I don't really remember what we said to each other either. Just that we clinged to each other, and sobbed for the longest time.

 

Eventually the consultant came back in, and explained they would move me round to the Harebell suite, it was within the labour ward but far enough away that we wouldn't have to hear the screams of other people's newborns as they came out and graced the world with their presence. The suite was wonderful, it was almost a mini apartment, with a living room/kitchen, a bedroom with the hospital bed and a reclining chair, a bathroom, and it's own private garden.

 

We sat on the sofa and waited for the consultant to come in and tell us what would happen next. I was already having contractions (the pains I thought were a UTI, yeah they were contractions) so they didn't think it would take too long to induce me but being that this was my first pregnancy carried this long they weren't too optimistic either. First they had to give me a tablet which would prepare my womb for labour, then another tablet a couple of hours later, then after a few hours there would be a pessary inserted every 6 hours to help dilate me. Honestly I don't remember the ins and outs too well of the things they had to do to bring on labour so I may be off with some of the timing.

 

I later learned that Charlie was shocked when he realised I would be giving birth. He thought that they would have done the scan, and rushed me off to theatre incase there was a chance of saving our baby girl. 'Thankfully', I had done some research already due to the fact that gestational diabetes poses a very rare chance of causing stillbirth. So I knew the process, and what we would go through in brief detail and knew I would be giving birth so it hadn't come as a shock to me.

 

After I took the first tablet, my contractions were slowly coming more closely together. We watched love island on the room TV and it was a welcome distraction, though I didn't enjoy it, I just felt numb. I had messaged my mum to tell her I needed her to come to the hospital, and she came as quickly as possible arriving about 1am. By that point my contractions were closer together, and my heart broke all over again watching her cry as we told her what was going on.

 

Charlie and my mum were absolute saints during my labour. The support they gave me was unreal. As the pains got more intense they would take it in turns to rub my back, hold my hand and help me to the toilet. By 6pm the next day, 23 hours into labour (plus the 36 I did at home) they checked me and found I was only 2cm dilated. It was gruelling, and I was faltering. Before this I had been 100% on not getting an epidural but with contractions a minute apart and lasting a minute and the midwifes confident labour would go on for another 12 hours at least my willpower was wearing thin. I begged for an epidural, and they said that the trouble was they didn't think it would last long enough for the whole labour if I got it then.

 

It was devastating, and I was in agony. So I was saying yes to any pain relief I could convince them to let me have. I think this was partially to numb the emotional pain too. My dad arrived around 7pm and it was lovely to have him there, I'd never thought about having him there, I always imagined it would be Charlie and my mum but it was so nice to have his support. The morphine made me incredibly sleepy and so I would get a minutes sleep between contractions and be rudely woken up again by the agony. Because of the morphine Charlie and my mum kept having to shake me awake to remind me to breathe as my sats kept shooting down between contractions. At 7, Danielle, the lovely midwife who had greeted us the night before, came back on shift and requested to be with us again. She noticed I wasn't doing so well between contractions and so got me on oxygen. Charlie kept reminding me to breathe through my nose, which I'll be honest was really annoying at the time because I was so exhausted and I just wanted to sleep but of course I can look back on it and laugh at how annoyed I was at him for simply tapping me and saying 'breathe in through your nose' every minute.

 

By 8.45 it had progressed to 30 seconds between contractions, and so they checked me again to find I was 8cm! They broke my waters, and almost immediately I was having the urge to push.

 

It was terrifying if I'm honest, I had gone through all of this pain but I wasn't ready to meet her, my darling daughter, who I worked so hard to grow throughout the 8 months I got to spend with her. I wasn't ready to be separated from her. She was meant to come out crying as hard as she'd been kicking all those months, and ready to start her life with us and instead she was ready to start her life as an angel. I turned to charlie and told him I wasn't ready, and he was confused not realising I meant emotionally. But alas, my body didn't allow for me to not be ready, and I pushed through the agonising pain.

 

At 21:24 on the 28th July 2021, our daughter Nova Grace Heyes was born and my gosh she is beautiful. Charlie got to cut the umbilical cord which was so special. She has her daddy's long legs that's for sure, it's the first thing we noticed about her. And his nose. But she has my dark, curly hair, and definitely my face shape. My mum put her photo in a collage next to mine and the resemblance is uncanny. I have a feeling she would have been the spitting image of me growing up, as I am of my mum.

 

 

The midwives were so unbelievably compassionate, and a few hours after giving birth Danielle came in to weigh and measure her, and to help us dress her. She weighed 5lb 8oz when measured, and would have been so big by the time she got to 36 weeks. She was measuring just above the 95th percentile. It was so nice to be able to dress her, and we were grateful to be able to do that and put a little nappy on, and a tiny vest and baby grow. I really struggled due to the blood loss, and being ridiculously shaky and weak after labour but pushed through as I knew it would be the only time I would ever be able to do it. I was and am so grateful to charlie for letting me have that moment.

When she was born, we felt the same rush of love for her that any other parent would experience, wanting to look after her and hold her. We were even paranoid about hurting her, wanting to cradle her head and neck really carefully when we held her. 

Even though we never felt her heart beating against our chests, her breath against our faces, or heard her cry, we simply never wanted to leave her.

We got to spend the most glorious four days with her, and so many things provided by charities and the hospital allowed us to do so and made it so special. There was a cuddle cot donated to the hospital by another family that had gone through the same thing. This was an absolute godsend, it is a cold cot that allowed us to spend as much time with her as we wanted by slowing down the processes that naturally occur.

 

The day after she was born, our amazing bereavement midwife Toni brought in some moulding materials, again donated by a charity that had been created by a family after going through the same thing. We agreed to get some done of her hands and were able to get involved in the process with Charlie holding her and me cleaning her hands off after they had been dipped, the same thing I saw myself doing in the years to come after she had done messy play, or been in the park, or eaten food and gotten it everywhere. It was lovely to be able to do.

 

There was a memory box donated by 4Louis, a charity started in the name of their son, again after going through the same thing. Inside there were some really special items. To name a few things, it included a blanket, two teddy's, one for us and one for her. A little angel figurine, a little 'Guess how much I love you' book to read to her, and a key ring with a pop out heart we will put in her hand when she is laid to rest. I can't even put into words how much this box meant to us both.

 

Also donated by another family who unfortunately suffered the same loss, was a camera and this was invaluable. We got some absolutely gorgeous photos, and we will forever be grateful for them. Each and every one of these keepsakes will help us heal and we will be forever grateful.

 

Given that so many of the things that made this journey a little easier for us were donated by families suffering the same loss we are desperate to do the same. Each and every thing was well thought out by the parents, and intended to help future parents, and that it did.

 

The bereavement midwife Toni explained they were hoping to extend the suite to allow them to fit a double bed in there allowing parents to sleep together instead of the hospital bed/recliner combination. This would have definitely made our lives a little easier, allowing Charlie to sleep on an actual bed for the six days we were in there. It would have also allowed us to cuddle the three of us which would have been priceless. They rely solely on donations for anything to do with this suite, and that is why it's so so important that awareness is raised about it, and why it is so important and needed. Again I cannot imagine not having this facility and, not unlike some stories I've heard from women at other hospitals, we would have had to be in a room for all those hours next to screaming newborns. And not only that, but we would not have got the precious time with Nova afterwards, and our families wouldn't have been able to meet her. 

Depending on how much is raised we intend to donate a baby bath to the suite, one with a stand so the postpartum mum can sit on the bed and still be able to bathe her baby should she wish too. This is because it is something we would have loved to do with Nova, her first and only bath. But at the time I didn't think about it as there was only a shower in the bathroom.

We would also like to donate some towards renovating the suite as stated above, and finally to donate some to 4Louis, the amazing charity that creates the memory boxes that everyone part of this 'club' who gets to receive them raves about. I will also link the pattern to either crochet or knit a heart that is placed in the arms of each teddy (one for baby and one for the parents) as this would massively help them too if any of you have crochet or knitting skills.

Finally, thank you so much for taking the time to read our story, and more importantly Nova's story. We believe doing this in her memory is absolutely what she would want, and we can think of no better way to tell the world about her and keep her memory alive than by raising awareness and raising money for amazing charities that help so much, and of course raising both for our local hospital at the same time!

Knitting pattern: https://blog.createandcraft.tv/free-knitted-heart-pattern/?fbclid=IwAR2MAes4BRQgKGtOCOSn-x1GlvmXxT0LbZ-zlp4IEAlmTsA51mrZ0-MYHYg

Crochet pattern: https://www.lilleliis.com/amigurumi-crochet-freebies/amigurumi-heart-pattern/

Please search 4Louis on facebook for the updated address on where to send the hearts. And thankyou from the bottom of our hearts for helping or donating and providing a family like ours a little bit of comfort in a desperately difficult time!