In many ways, my whole life has lead me to this moment. The moment where I find myself in my thirties, recently married and expecting my first child. If I could go back in time, I would go back to 7-year-old me and tell her that we were going to make it out the other side. But of course, things are never quite that easy and we are never quite that sure that everything is going to work out. Most especially when you feel like the entire world has conspired to make you suffer.
Not only did I survive, but never in my life had I imagined being so happy, healthy and wildly in love with how things turned out.
Of course, it wasn’t always this blissful; in fact, if you were a fly on the wall during my childhood, I don’t think that you would have bet on my happiness. Things were just so dismal, desolate and downright devastating.
Let me take you back briefly: I am a first generation Canadian and my parents made the far trek from Tunisia, North Africa all the way to Canada, with a brief stop in Paris to have my eldest brother. By the time they made it over to Edmonton, Alberta, they had two sons and big dreams for the future that was before them.
I have been told a million times by family and dear friends of my mother, just how desperately and deeply she wanted a girl. How she prayed and begged God and the Universe to grant her the little girl she had dreamed of for so long.
Her dreams were granted in August of 1981 and my sweet mother was so grateful that her wish had come true. She adored me and doted on me and we were truly inseparable. I was fortunate to have my first 6 years of life right by her side. We danced throughout the house while Arabic melodies filled our home and hearts. I watched her cook. She let me help her bake and most of all, I could sleep next to her as much as possible and even more so when she and my father separated when I was six years old.
It was whilst I lie beside her one night in late June of 1988, when my father snuck into our home in the middle of the night and startled me as the light of the room jolted me awake. In the next moments, I caught a glimpse of the butcher’s knife which would extinguish my mother’s life in the moments following.
The horrific aftermath of that dark night still reverberates in my soul as I sit here. I know that I will never be completely free of it, but writing my memoir: Cracked Open – Never Broken, has allowed a depth of healing that I couldn’t have imagined before this journey.
My memoir details the traumatizing events that lead to my mother’s death and my life living in home after home once I was given over to the Foster Care system in Alberta, Canada. I spent the rest of my youth living in these homes and enduring further trauma, neglect and abuse as the years went on.
I knew that I would never make it out of my childhood unscathed by all the circumstances that were thrust upon me; I only hoped I would still be alive to turn 18, so that I could finally get busy living the life that always shined brightly in my soul.
I knew I wasn’t starting my twenties with the same skills and wholeness as most of the other people I encountered, but I was never short of determination and the strong will to succeed.
I can honestly and whole heartedly say that I have given this life everything I’ve got. I knew that without therapy the road would be so much rougher and so I worked my butt off to be able to afford all the high priced therapies and courses and groups and counseling sessions that I was betting my sanity on. It wasn’t easy…but truly, very little in my life had ever been and so I kept going.
I learned who I was, how to not just pick up my pieces but to forge them back together with solid gold. The higher I climbed in my life, the more determined I was to work to reach my next peak.
And so, I climbed and climbed….
And here I am, 35 years strong, my life has transformed in a million ways since I was that little girl and I wake up every day determined to help other people climb up their own mountains. My life as a Life Coach, Speaker, Writer and Certified Grief Recovery Specialist is my heart’s calling. I know that everything I have been through has brought me to this moment.
Writing my memoir: Cracked Open – Never Broken, is my greatest and most powerful work so far. I knew I had to write it and share it with the world so that I could share my healing with the world.
This is my life's purpose.
I am nothing if I cannot spread healing into the world and my BIGGEST and most WILD hope is that someone, somewhere in the world will read this book and find a reason not to give up. A reason to keep going even when there is not one shred of evidence that it is going to work out.
My hope is that through my sharing my story, I can help readers to transform, heal and understand their forgiveness journey.
This book is so much of the woman I am, what I went through and every part of my unbreakable spirit that kept me alive throughout it all.
I felt the weight of the world pushing down on me and I used to think that I would shatter into a million pieces.
Now, after all of this, I finally understand that all of my heartaches and trials were there to crack me open and that I was never, ever broken. Not even close.
All your contributions are going toward getting this book edited and published. You and your kind hearts mean everything to me.
I have spent my life indebted in gratitude at the immense kindness of strangers throughout my life. No matter how horrible some people played a part in my life, the far greatest and most empowering people have always been the ones with the biggest hearts, like you, willing to show up and believe in me, even when I couldn’t believe in hardly anything.
I humbly thank you from the bottom of my heart and will use every ounce of your love and support to propel this powerful book into the world.
Big Juicy Love,
- Rob Ayers
- Terry Jones Portelance
- Leah Whalley
- Betty L Screpnek
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