Hi! I'm Hope!
I'm transgender. I knew as a kid - I didn't have the proper words for it then, and didn't fully understand. I tried to ignore it and be what people wanted me to be; it did not go well. My memory of my childhood isn't the best anymore, but I remember bringing it up at least once, and the reaction wasn't good. So I forced it all down, tried to forget everything, and tried to be 'normal'
I'm now almost 50 years old and have struggled with depression and anxiety all my life. It's been pretty bad at times; I've been on a lot of different medications. I had a bit of a breakdown a few years back, where the anxiety just got so unbearable I started becoming a recluse, and I was finally diagnosed as bipolar a few years after that. To be fair, I thought all my 'manic' episodes were what normal people felt when they weren't depressed all the time so that one slipped right by me!
I started looking at my life and trying to see what I could do to fix things, and really in the end decided that I'd rather try to transition than keep living a fake life in a body I hated. My depression problems started at puberty, and they've been lifelong. I've been on several medications for it, and nothing seemed to help. By pretending to be what everyone wanted me to be, I feel like I ruined not only my life, but other people's lives, too, and it all just feels bad.
I've been on hormone replacement therapy since September of 2021, and the depression side of things is SO much better, it's amazing. I still get depressed, I mean, I'm bipolar, and that's not going to change, but without the self-hatred, it's much more bearable.
On the other hand, my anxiety has been through the roof. I've always had pretty severe social anxiety, and it's even worse now! There's just so much work I'll have to do, and I don't have a lot of income; I don't currently work because of my problems with anxiety and depression. I barely leave the house.
This fundraiser will be used to help me transition.
If by some miracle it gets to its goal I could get some voice surgery, which would require paying for travel costs as well. I'd like to be able to speak again, and I'm finding it so hard with the anxiety. I can count the conversations I had last year on both hands, and I'd like to change that and feel comfortable with my voice.
On the off chance that I somehow can make my voice acceptable, I'd probably use the funds for facial feminization surgery! I have the hormones, which have helped me to feel better in my own body, but I can't afford much else right now!
On the other hand, I'm horrible at self-promotion and am embarrassed to have to ask for help, so it's hard to have hope about this fundraiser, but I'm going to try!
Thanks for reading! If you've made it this far and are still interested, you can find my social media links on this page: https://throne.com/hopenotworry/