One night, about 8 years ago, I was sitting in the back room of our Seattle apartment in the dark and the quiet with baby James in my arms. It felt like we were the only people awake in the city. As I rocked him to sleep, I looked down at him in my arms and a new, unbidden, totally unfamiliar thought/feeling arose within me: "There is nothing in the entire world I would rather be doing right now than this."

A lifelong malcontent, I'd never come close to feeling that before. But I have continued to feel that way ever since. I have tried to do 'this' as lovingly and conscientiously as I possibly could every day the last 8 years. I don't claim I love them more than other loving dads, but as I whisper to them in my nightly prayer: "You are the best boys that ever were or ever will be, and no dad has ever loved his boys more than I love you..."

The boys' mom and I broke up when the boys were 2. I was crushed at the prospect of missing out on 50% of their lives. I was at a loss as to how to accept that prospect. Deeply so. But thankfully I was able to have them 60, 80, even 100 percent of the time—sometimes for extended periods, months, entire summers—without a formal parenting agreement or child support. I've always been grateful for so much time with the boys. As our prayer continues: "Every day and every night, Dad gives thanks for James and Leo, his gifts of God, though I know that never can I give enough thanks for gifts so great as you."

It was suggested to me over the years that I seek child support, but I feared court. I feared putting our lives in the hands of a stranger. And I knew that if I ever did seek child support, my plentiful time with the boys would be over, and she'd seek safe financial harbor in 50/50.

This summer I felt I had to consult a lawyer. She assured me my 50/50 fears were unfounded. We had initial success with a negotiated agreement awarding me primary physical custody, 80% time, commensurate child support, and measures like counseling and parenting classes for her. We all agreed to this, with our lawyers, in court, before a judge. If the terms weren't followed by either parent, it meant contempt of court.

But last month, in a 10-minute 'expedited' hearing, all that was deemed irrelevant and custody was made 50/50.

I was allowed 2 minutes to speak. Two minutes in rebuttal of deliberately false testimony that we'd always been 50/50, that I'd never given any special help or support in taking the boys, that I was just in it for the child support.

I still don't understand how this happened. By all accounts it shouldn't have. Reportedly, both my lawyer and opposing counsel were shocked by the judge's ruling. A consulting attorney noted that crucial steps may have been missed after the initial hearing to formalize the agreement.

I've parted ways with my lawyer and am without counsel for the moment. My resources are exhausted by legal fees. I'll gather more funds myself in the coming months, but I need counsel now and so I am humbly asking for help to raise the $3,000 retainer for this new lawyer. She is well-researched and recommended to me by several trusted sources including a friend who is a sitting judge

There is a full-day trial set in April and with her representation I can finally present the wealth of evidence of our relative custodial time over the years and parental fitness and try to rectify this unjust ruling.

I know you all have your own challenges and demands on your resources that I know nothing of. I have no expectations that anyone "should" donate to this. You help us all the time with your friendship and love. If you can and are willing, though, I am humbly putting out my hands and begging for your help. Every cent will be used for this and only this. I'll document it here.

Love,

Matt