Main fundraiser photo

Help Janet Heal: Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy for CPTSD

Donation protected
It feels way beyond vulnerable to do this, and I've been putting it off for days, but here goes.

Friends,I need your help. Rather desperately.

You may know me as someone who has held space for you and/or others to establish and maintain a meditation practice or explore Buddhist teachings. Perhaps I've even coached or guided you in some of that or led a compassion practice that you've attended.

You may know me as someone who sees hearts (and more recently owls) everywhere and delights in sunrise walks along the beach and not only feels nourished and resourced by those experiences but shares them with you in photographs and occasionally poetry.

You may know me as someone who delights in loving and caring for others in general, including our beloved animal companions.

All of those things are true. They are part of why I'm here, what I'm truly made for.

And I'm having increasing difficulty participating in many of them, much less feeling resourced by them.

What you may not know is that I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which comes with a heaping side dish of depression and anxiety, and panic attacks, where I cry for hours at a time and can’t talk, breathe, or think clearly, sometimes several times a day.

In addition, you may not know that I struggled with an Eating Disorder and later a Substance Misuse Disorder for many years during my teens and 20s-30s. Or that I went from one abusive relationship to another from my teens up until I left the last one three years ago.

Most if not all of this stems from developmental trauma and childhood neglect. You see, my mother had a stroke two weeks after I was born and dropped me as she fell to the ground. Along with her physical disabilities the stroke left her with an inability to attune, to mirror, to provide a safe holding environment for Baby Janet to grow and develop. While my grandparents helped as much as they could, it wasn't the same. My father, who struggled with alcohol abuse, wasn't around much and when he was, he was inappropriate. I really don't want to say more about any of that here except to add that where my mother was concerned, I was the caregiver from a very early age.

I grew up not knowing that I matter, not knowing that it's okay to have needs of my own. I spent many afternoons crying myself to sleep in the nurse's office at school because I was so overwhelmed I couldn't learn, having most likely spent the night before worrying how I would get my disabled mother down the stairs of our second floor apartment if there was a fire. And then I was shamed by teachers for not paying attention in class the next day. I quit school when I was 16 because I couldn’t cope, and was failing anyway, and was shamed then for throwing away my potential by each of the teachers whom I had to ask to initial my timetable when I told them why I wouldn't be in class the next day.

I've been in therapy for most of my life and have had multiple trials of pharmacotherapy, from the old tricyclics to the much newer SSRI and SNRI antidepressants that allowed me to be more or less functional and productive, which is the only thing that matters in our society. But they didn't help me address the underlying issues and nervous system dysregulation that continues to plague me. They only masked it. They didn't help me heal.

I only began to come close to anything even remotely resembling healing when I became a Buddhist and my teacher mirrored back my inherent worth and dignity and lovability every chance he got and not only continues to do that, but has pointed out things about who and what I really am that have been life changing and have the potential to be even more so. He also helped me find two therapists, one who uses the Hakomi Method and another, a coach who specializes in developmental trauma and somatics. All of these have been more helpful than I could have imagined. And I pay for them out of pocket because they are not covered by our provincial health plan and as a self employed individual, I don't have insurance beyond that.

And I'm still stuck, imprisoned, perhaps by an old trauma that I can't get to, perhaps by a belief about myself and my worth, my value, that it's too terrifying for my psyche to let go of, to try to function without. I don't know what it is exactly but whatever it is, it is making it more and more difficult for me to function.

With all of that in the background, trying to rebuild my life after losing my job at the beginning of the pandemic, my skillset replaced by a computer, and heal from a very difficult almost 20-year relationship, is a challenge on the best of days. I often spend many hours each day stuck in a survival response, usually freeze, curled up in a tearful ball, afraid to move.

There are days when I feel like I can't go on and want to end it all.

I've recently been approved for Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy (KAP) at a private clinic given my increasingly debilitating symptoms and several failed trials of frontline pharmacotherapy. Sadly, as a further reflection of how badly broken so many of our systems are, I can't get in to see a psychiatrist for months. It will take many more months after that of being waitlisted for privately funded KAP at the one local hospital that offers it once the psychiatrist makes the referral.

I don't know if I can wait that long.

This is where you come in. I am not able to cover the costs associated with KAP at the private clinic and continue to meet my basic expenses such as food and rent and transportation. I simply don't have the income as a petsitter.

I believe that KAP is the right choice for me because, in very basic terms, it will allow my nervous system to dial back its protective responses so that I can relax enough to begin to see old memories, old experiences, in a new light, and begin to see and hold myself in the gentle loving compassionate embrace that I offer so freely to those around me.

It will allow me to heal, to feel safe, in my body, with others, in the world. And then to be productive from a place of wholeness and integration, not driven by fear and fragmentation.

Edited on 4/16 to add: As I shared in a recent update, a week ago I found out quite unexpectedly that I need to find a new place to live. The support that KAP will provide is even more crucial now as I try to navigate that.


The treatment protocol that I'm considering is comprised of six therapy sessions and six ketamine sessions, and includes both an initial and a follow up assessment spread over approximately 3-4 weeks. It costs $5,934.00 Canadian.

Funds raised will be used to cover the cost of KAP protocol and costs associated with GoFundMe, as follows:

KAP: $5,934
Fundraising Costs: $200

I will do my very best to cover time off work during treatment and transportation to and from the Ketamine sessions. I will keep you updated throughout.

If you've read this far, thank you. If you are able to help financially, thank you, thank you, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. If you can't help financially, loving and supportive words also mean more than I can say.
Donate

Donations 

  • Judith Ann Smith
    • $50
    • 9 mos
  • Candia Ludy
    • $108
    • 9 mos
  • Cathy Rose
    • $30
    • 10 mos
  • Anonymous
    • $793
    • 10 mos
  • Anonymous
    • $60
    • 10 mos
Donate

Organizer

Janet Pal
Organizer
Toronto, ON

Your easy, powerful, and trusted home for help

  • Easy

    Donate quickly and easily

  • Powerful

    Send help right to the people and causes you care about

  • Trusted

    Your donation is protected by the GoFundMe Giving Guarantee