Dear friends, family, compassionate strangers, I am reaching out with a plea for help.

I'm a 31 year old who is diagnosed with ADHD. I have tried to find a therapist to talk to regarding trauma throughout my life, but have found it hard to find someone who is able to work with all aspects of my experience and identity.

a picture of me, with a funny sticker, 2024.

Let me start from the beginning.

When I was born, my father was a drug user & tried to kill me & my mother. I grew up being told that he became worse once I was born, which caused me to feel guilt from a very young age. My mother has PTSD but refused multiple attempts at therapy, instead turning to alcohol and nicotine addiction so I grew up surrounded by that.

I also grew up bullied by other families who lived in the same council estate because everyone knew my dad was in prison. The bullying was severe, and got worse when I was diagnosed with ADHD in 2001.

a picture of me, 1st Holidays, 2001.

Then, my mother had a partner who groomed me from 7 to 9, at which time he molested me. I told my mother immediately when I got away from him, but she believed his defense of using the phrase "private parts" against me to reduce what he did down to accident brushing of a chest when it was very much more. So I had to live with him for another 3 years. After the incident abroad, he never touched me again but I lived in fear after that one incident for the rest of my life.

As a child, I endured deeply painful and frightening experiences while trying to navigate the reality that I was disabled by my ADHD, bullied for coming from a Domestic Violence situation, and now not feeling safe in my own room. There were nights when I felt so unsafe that I would lock myself in my room and barricade the door, fearful of someone trying to come in. To this day, I still struggle with nightmares and a lingering sense of fear when I sleep. Even something as simple as taking a taxi alone fills me with anxiety.

After that person left our lives, we discovered he had taken photos of me without my consent and potentially shared them online. I wanted to go to the police, but my mother destroyed the evidence. Now, she denies it ever happened and blames me for not going to the authorities at the time, which has caused a deep sense of betrayal and confusion.

I started self-harming directly after, until I was 17 when I had a nervous breakdown and was sent to Lucena Clinic. This is the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services services in Ireland in my area. They are the same people who diagnosed me with ADHD in 2001.

I told them everything.

I was diagnosed with Depression and Generalised Anxiety Disorder. I was put on antidepressants on Dec 1st 2011. After that, I was medicated from 2011-2013 and told to wean myself off once I was comfortable. Therapy stopped once I did my Leaving Cert.

a picture of me, new room decor, 2006.

When I told the therapist that I had been molested as a child, there were no police reports made. There was no social worker contacted. There was no investigation brought forward.

There was a report taken by myself & my mother by the therapists, where my mother denies I was abused even back then. That was all that they did. I was discouraged from talking about it, discouraged from discussing it, and pushed to focus on my present rather than the trauma of my past which were the causes of my depression.

In 2015, I had no choice but to move back to my mother’s home, as I couldn’t afford rent in Dublin on my retail job salary. When I moved back home, my mother started trying to control how I expressed myself—through my clothes, my hairstyle—things that were deeply tied to who I was. In 2018, I came out as non-binary, but she refused to acknowledge or accept it.

During the pandemic, my fiancée was diagnosed with an Autoimmune condition which meant we were vulnerable and still are. Coming to terms with disability, chronic illness, takes a lot of mental & physical toll. We were not able to focus on grieving the life we could have had and accepting the limits now, until we were in a safer space.

I eventually had Top Surgery in 2022, something I had worked hard to save for over the years. After the surgery, her verbal and emotional abuse escalated, becoming even more hurtful and damaging.

In August 2022, I moved in with my fiancée, and by December, I made the difficult decision to cut ties with my mother. She had not only denied the childhood abuse but also lied to my family about my identity and misled me about the support they offered when I was born. These revelations have shattered my trust in my own memories, and I often find myself questioning what is real and what I was told to believe. The constant uncovering of lies and betrayal over the past years have deeply affected my mental health, making it even harder to heal and move forward.

I have since had to deal with reporting officially as an adult after I made a complaint submission into the Mental Health Services, and am currently trying to come to terms with the lack of accountability for what was done.

I am now also faced with a Closed Door from the HSE, who has refused my ADHD referral and won't accept new patients. They have a 4 YEAR WAITING LIST and it is closed off to new referrals, so I'm not even on this waiting list despite being diagnosed with 2001.

Sharing this is difficult, but I hope it offers a glimpse into the complexity of my experience and the strength it takes to navigate life after such trauma.

BUT I am now unemployed due to trauma, and without assistance as I have exhausted all available options to me. I have made every attempt since March. All I get is waiting lists, cost restrictions, and rejections for complexity.

a picture of me, candid, 2008

I've struggled with ADHD my entire life. I was removed from therapy for this at 12, despite professional advice against it, & haven't been on any treatment plans since 2006.

I’ve been trying to access Adult ADHD services but have been rejected and my only option now is private therapy and counseling as I already have a diagnosis under both DSM-4 & DSM-5.

I also have mental health disorders and I believe I need to address everything before I can begin to heal anything. I need to work with specialists in the field.

a picture of me, on holidays, 2007.

Dealing with ADHD, Depression, and Severe Anxiety together creates a complex web of challenges. Each condition exacerbates the others, creating a cycle that’s incredibly difficult to break without comprehensive & consistent treatment.

sample cost of private ADHD appointments

I do not have access to treatment at the moment for my ADHD, my Depression, or my Anxiety disorder. At the moment, financially, I am struggling & cannot afford private healthcare. This is why I need help.

a picture of me, 30th birthday, 2024.

What I need right now is roughly €4000 to be able to cover the base costs of a year's worth of therapy sessions with a professional who deals with ADHD, and to begin working to find a professional who deals with childhood trauma.

With that amount of money raised, I can comfortably begin therapy over the next few months for my neurodiversity and my mental health. This will mean NO MORE WAITING LISTS, and the possibility for TAILORED, SPECIALIST SUPPORT rather than basic Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

Please help me find help ✨