CW: mentions of suicidal ideation. I no longer have a plan or intentions to harm myself. cars are replaceable; my life isn’t.

on saturday, november 29th, while leaving town to go pick up my sister from the cities, i spun out of control on I-94 E due to the weather conditions and crashed into a wired fence. this accident has deemed my car a total loss. and although throughout this week i’ve been told it’s a good thing i suffered no injuries, was the only person in the car, that i didn’t hit any other vehicles, and have full coverage, i must admit that that day especially, i had been genuinely wishing with all my heart that i had lost my life instead and almost attempted to end my life that day. since the accident, i have been punishing myself for an outcome that was nothing more than a bad accident during a shitty typical snowstorm in minnesota.

as the eldest daughter of 5, any and everything i wanted, i have had to get by myself while still extending myself for others. so whenever anything bad happens to me, i’m quick to equate it to my worth. i’m quick to write it off as a failure of character, a result of my incompetence to control the uncontrollable. i’m quick to isolate and burn myself out until i feel like i’ve figured out enough to be perceived again. until i feel like i can put on a convincing smile and continue on my two feet without anyone to help pick me up. i say all this to say that despite the shame and embarrassment i still feel making this fundraiser, my therapist helped me realize that i should still ask for help. that i deserve help. that even the most resilient person you may know can need help. can need/want a community because it’s so easy to feel alone in this life. and it’s so easy to not want your life anymore or even have a life when you least expect.

so this is me wanting my life despite the series of unfortunate circumstances i endure every now and then. this is me asking for any help that can be extended despite the deep shame i feel to do so. this is me fighting for the life i know i can have if i just keep fighting for it.

given that i still have over 18K left to pay off on my car, i will likely not be getting a check from my insurance to get another car. i believe the amount i’m asking for should help me on the down payment to get a replacement car that’s functional enough to make it by.

so anything you’re willing to donate would be deeply appreciated. even just sharing would mean a lot.

thank you in advance for helping me to the best of your abilities.

extra note: my adorable subaru was named kuromi and she was so perfect and patient to me. i loved her a lot and am grateful she protected me and taken me to many places without trouble. i only had her for a year and i will miss her so much.

*also accepting venmo (@edwinaOPE) or cashapp ($okayedwina) donations*