Elæ's Emergency Dental Adventure

Dear Friends and Friends of Friends,

 

I know it can be hard to tell how "ok" someone is, but right now: I need your help.

 

As someone who has dealt with often invisibly disabling chronic illness for over 20 years, I know this all too well. And mostly, I feel lucky. I'm lucky I was able to dedicate myself to getting better last year and this year while working and that my illnesses are somewhat less acute -- enough for me to be able to go back to handling the less-emergency emergencies.

 

Which brings me to this summer, when (after a steady nearly two years of work to stabilize my acute mast cell situation) I have dedicated myself to addressing the medical and dental situations waiting in the wings. I'm starting with Dental, which has been a journey of many years of trying to do this. And, beyond the cost: each appointment is a nervous system adventure in my CPTSD and brings up years of medical trauma... this whole process is taking a huge toll on my body, energy and spirit. I'm proud of myself to be here, at all.

 

There's been many attempts to begin this process even during these years, each more depressing (and sometimes traumatizing) than the last. Many led me to a figure like I'm facing now: nearly 20K just to get to a safe place, before any sort of cosmetic work (or replacing my multiple extractions) can begin. Every time I've hit a number like that I've just gone numb. I haven't felt like I could ask for it. I researched dental travel countless times. Tried and failed to find a safe dentist and surgeon who validated my chronic conditions and took my insurance. Tried for self-pay plans.

 

And then, last week, found a dentist I truly trust, with a team that talked me through any insurance or help available, and this is where we've landed: with a minimum of around 17K for the first few rounds of appointments and surgery just this summer, before fees or interest. (I've already spent over $500 just this week - not to mention a surprise $700 vet bill wheeee.)

 

 

 

 

I'm bone-tired. In the last few weeks, I've felt myself collapse. It's the first time in nearly 3 years that I haven't had an acute emergency or disabling illness to handle, but instead I'm being crushed by everything that I wasn't able to address during those years. My body is struggling just to handle the work at hand or do anything but rest. Which means I've admitted to myself that I cannot travel to save money on dental. I need to do this now, and I need to do it here, while I'm home.

 

And so the reality is: I need to come to my community for support, and I cannot ignore this situation any longer. And, it's quite likely that what's happening in my mouth is a factor in what continues to be happening with my health.

 

How did I get here? When you're dealing with acutely disabling chronic illness, fainting, going to the ER regularly, and juggling a seemingly impossible amount of labor just to pay your bills, even "emergency dental" isn't an emergency - we learn to strategize when this is life. Survival, from day to day, is the everyday emergency. And this has been my situation for much of the last decade.

 

Do I present this level of dire straits to the world on social media every day? No. Have I shared transparently that this is my situation, on many occasions? Yes. Is this hard to parse, in the world of public performance? Yes. Do I need to let people know I can simultaneously be not ok and ok, to get jobs and gigs and also just to stay sane? Also yes. Does this require a more delicate and complex lens than we often use on each other? Also, yes. And: do I need to not use only this language to understand who I am and what I'm capable of and worth? Big yes here, and this is at the core of so much of my work in the world.

 

I know it's also hard to know how much money someone has or has access to. Well, here's my current situation: after many years of medical and dental trauma and quite a bit of botched, cheap, or emergency dental care, my situation is rather dire. And: the amount that this will cost, over 17 K for just the emergency work, is *MORE THAN I HAVE.* No, not, "an unexpected expense that will break my budget," it is, literally, more than I have. And I do not have family of origin to ask for support. So I'm coming to you, my community, and maybe people you know.

 

I didn't do this for my top surgery in 2020, and I regret it -- because I didn't want to be a burden on my community, I chose the cheap option I could get on my insurance with a doctor that wasn't trans-focused and I ended up with something I'm deeply unhappy with.

 

I didn't do this for any of the tens of thousands of dollars in medical bills over the last decade, or for my move last year while I was acutely ill and couldn't work, while Pratt denied my unemployment over the summer. Last year, doing my work for the OS cost me 4k during this time, while my illnesses and the physical requirements of my move meant I couldn't take on more work, meaning last year my take home was just over 30K.

 

I have literally nothing to hide. I will answer any questions. Though my heart isn't too ready to be told I need to do this another way, or for unsolicited advice.

 

Transparency / illegibility statement: I have a car now, which I know can make it seem like I have secret access to funds, but this was made possible by my rent strike in 2020, and made necessary so I could see my kid (who lives in NJ) as an immune compromised person during COVID. On many days when I don't have the physical capacity to get places, the car means I can. It is a mobility device, and an absolute necessity. And yes: the cost is another major stress, now. The studio I took on in 2021 can make it seem the same way, but this (only the second studio I've had in 20 years of art practice) was cheaper than storage and meant that I didn't have to throw out over two decades of artwork and 10 years of OS inventory that couldn't fit in my newer, cheaper, smaller apartment. This isn't a *luxury,* it's my work. If I was a mechanic, no one would say I shouldn't have the garage I work out of or the tools I need!

 

Perhaps I don't have to explain these things but there's so little transparency in our world. There is so much privilege in our communities and so much hiding of that privilege, which unfortunately means that for the ones of us legitimately without access to funds there can (and should) be a certain amount of distrust and scrutiny. Is this person just trying to make sure the amount they put into their 401K or retirement fund or investments aren't docked? Or is this person legitimately concerned for their safety and survival?

 

This situation is so unbelievably frustrating to me, and it's a result of the absolute failure of this system. I am a person who is not only dedicated to my health but can be *obsessed* with 'doing it right' -- I read peer reviewed dental articles! I use reparative toothpaste I have shipped from Japan! (and if I didn't, per my new dentist, I'd be in far worse trouble).

 

But I haven't had insurance through Pratt for 6 years, and the insurance I do have mostly covers dental schools where I have had terrifyingly bad experiences -- not to mention ones where my chronic illnesses and CPTSD have been discounted, causing health issues and unnecessary damage. In the two years before COVID, I required two emergency extractions and debilitating emergency care out of state from an abcess from a bad root canal.

 

Since COVID began, the clinic at Callen Lorde, one of the only places I felt safe going on my insurance, stopped doing anything but acute emergency appointments, and the two appointments I managed to make elsewhere (each of which after endless administrative lift and months of waiting) were cancelled *by two different dentists* for 1) COVID and 2) an insurance error on their end, meaning that I now haven't been to the dentist, despite trying desperately to do so, for over two years, as my problems got worse and worse.

 

Again: why do I feel I have to explain myself? People ask for money all the time. There's a million go fund me's. But there's as many scams, and as many people who don't really need it, taking advantage of the confusion of this moment to make sure their own budget doesn't take a hit. I get that, and I get that I may look like I don't need help.

 

I promise you, like most of us who became resilient because we've been fighting to survive all our lives, I do. We do. And I will continue to show up every day to talk about what it means to all be here for each others' survival, which I care about and am dedicated to with every one of my cells.

 

I appreciate every single person who is able to help me out, who forwards this to someone who might help me out, who can't help but sends solidarity or shows up in another way.

The reality is that I have almost no income this summer, and yet will be working more than full time -- on OS work that needs doing but is unpaid, on prepping for Pratt and a new coordinatorship there (also unpaid) and on the many many hours a week of labor dealing with dental and medical gone too-long ignored will take. I need so much more than 15K. But if I cover even this close to this actual COST, it will let me get through this summer with less fear. 

 

With my thanks,

in possibility

Elæ