It is with great relief that I say goodbye to 2022 and with trepidation that I say hello to 2023. January 30, 2023- The date of my gender-affirming phalloplasty surgery has been on the calendar for nearly two years now, and I have been preparing for far longer than that.

In his book, Top to Bottom: A Memoir and Personal Guide Through Phalloplasty, Finlay Games writes, “Trying to reconnect with ourselves and overcome our past, in a body that isn’t our home, is almost impossible… Surgery changes our bodies to ones that we recognize as ours and feel at home in. Once we feel at home and secure in our bodies, then the healing work can begin” (p. 231). Earlier this year I realized the extent to which I have learned to dissociate and detach from my body, my feelings, and ultimately myself as a way of coping with living in a body that does not feel like mine. That realization coincided with a sudden onset of spiralizing anxiety and panic. I am learning to manage feelings that I have never had before, have been trying to make peace with my body as best I can, and live my truth in a way that I have never been able to before. For me, phalloplasty is a huge part of the process of healing the trauma of inhabiting a body that doesn’t feel like my own.

Right before Christmas, my surgery was approved through health insurance, but unfortunately it was approved as Out-of-Network. With this, comes the reality that my surgery will cost $20,000 instead of $5,000- a possibility that I have been preparing for both financially and emotionally but still feels daunting. As of today, I have the $20,000 to cover my entire surgery but do not have much left to pay for lodging, groceries, miscellaneous medical supplies, transportation, or other associated costs of recovery. I have already paid over $10,000 to prep for surgery: including a hysterectomy, permanent hair removal on skin graft sites, consultations with surgeons, and recommendation letters from therapists.

Over the last few years, my husband and I have spent 30-50% of our income on healthcare, and we are looking at two more years of the same. If all goes smoothly, phalloplasty is a 3-stage surgery. Additionally, he and I have struggled to get the support we need for our mental health. After trying unsuccessfully to find in-network mental health support in Maine, we eventually decided to look outside our insurance network and prioritize trans-affirming care over in-network coverage. This has required great sacrifice but has also allowed each of us to make strides in managing and getting support with our mental health in a truly life-changing way. Right now, my husband and I pay a combined $2200 each month for therapy. The trade-off is that we can’t afford to live somewhere that charges rent, have drained our savings and have needed to ask our families for help.

I am asking for help with the remaining costs for my surgery- roughly $5,000. This includes lodging in California for 5 weeks, groceries for myself and my caretakers, transportation and miscellaneous medical supplies. This will get me through the recovery on a slim budget but does not account for stages 2 or 3.

Please know that if you are not able to donate, sharing this fundraiser with others, writing me a letter, sending a book recommendation, or just checking in periodically over the next few months is equally appreciated. I wouldn’t be here today without the support of my family, my husband, my dog, my therapists, or my friends.

With so much gratitude,

-Eli