It's been thirty five years after my father made his transition from his physical body. I'm remembering the first time I realized there was something outside of me, something bigger not seen with eyes, but felt in many ways kinesthetically. A year after he passed, I was 10 years old and I wanted to be a Hobo for Halloween. For years I dreaded telling people he died, none the less on Halloween. I convinced myself that it was his sick sense of humor that made him take his own life on Halloween. Not a far stretch considering I always thought I saw him, like he faked his death. It wasn't till later when I learned from his childhood friend that my dad was a real practical joker, faking seizures in stores etc., that this idea became more engrained each Halloween that passed. I dread telling people. Mostly because of the shocked expressions on their faces. Inevitably someone would ask how he died, which always seemed so insensitive to me but now realize it's probably just curiosity. I processed death very early on in life and now it is I who comes across insensitive or numb when speaking about the topic of death. The truth is I've just had a lot of time to journey into the layers of understanding. In my 20's I took classes in psychology, death and dying, I read books about near death experiences and what people experienced crossing over. I wanted to understand why and what he experienced so that I could be compassionate to him and make peace with his death. So I'm sure back then my 10 year old self asking my mom to use my dad's old suits for my Hobo costume was probably rather curious for her too as I had to ask her several times before she gave me the box and went through his suits. I remember these suits, their herringbone fabric, their scratchy texture. He wore these suits working for PG&E in San Francisco when I was born in the early 70's. I pulled a brown blazer out, I pulled a grey blazer out. I held them in my hands and pulled them to my nose, smelling them. I remember this day, this hour, this moment, in the middle room of our 3 bedroom house in Santa Clara, rummaging through a box of my dead dads things. Typical 10 year old behavior. While smelling these jackets I had a feeling that it was the closet thing to his physical being I had, it wasn't a thought, it was a feeling. I pulled the large grey jacket over me and put my hands in the pockets. I felt a heavy object and pulled out a stack of identification cards and a huge bundle of cash wrapped up in a rubber band. Something happen in that moment holding that bundle in my little hand. I was starring at it when I had a sensation come over me, a wave of energy that was shocking to my young body. I quickly realized he was not here physically anymore but I somehow knew he was with me in that room in that moment. I stood there frozen for what could have been minutes until I realized what had happen and I cried a little. Looking back I knew that it wasn't a mistake, it felt purposeful, it felt more than just luck. This was my first memorable and meaningful coincident.
When I tell people I was an awful kid, the kind the neighbors didn't want their kids playing with, they laugh and think I'm kidding. I was a true Latch-key kid and a little rug rat so after the moment and sensation passed I actually thought about taking the money and not telling anyone. But it was more money than I'd ever seen and at my core even at that young age I knew it would torment me for life if I did, and I was then and still am now a horrible liar. So I took it to my mom and showed her what I found. She called my brother and sister to come into her bedroom and she sat us down on the carpeted floor next to her vanity and told us how much we had needed that money and they all started crying and when I saw them crying, my ten-year old self took that in too, like I was holding space outside the realms of the physical, then I cried too. Did my mother manifest this in her prayers? She was after all caring for three children under the age of 16 alone now, a foreigner to this country with little education. The mind can examine this many ways based on beliefs, on judgements, on experience but I had a deep moment of recognition for something bigger than me. I sit here now in so much gratitude for being conscious of these moments and for living a life of deep meaningful coincidences. This is my life now. It's a lifestyle. A long stream of these moments with people and places and thoughts and ideas and dreams that come into my vertical timeline. All because I'm open and aware of my intuition and then I act on it. It began here for me and like most things, it's returned full circle again in my life in the most beautiful way.
In the same way it happen when I pulled that bundle out of my pocket, I've been able to tap into something more refined than this physical world through my healing work. We are all capable of sharpening our intuition and we are all healers, I just had a life that primed me for this work. I also have a spark within me that needs personal growth. I trust the universe, the messages, my intuition and then actually act on them. Knowing that, from experience, that it always has great purpose.
Two weeks ago I had a dream. I didn't know it was a premonition dream. I started having premonition dreams about 3 years ago. I never know until events come into my field that vibrationally match the energy of the dream. It can be something visually, a conversation takes place and in some cases I meet someone I've never met before & it triggers my memory of the dream. In some cases I've told friends about the dreams because they feel very important although at the time I may not know why. This dream was big. I woke exhausted as if I had physically & emotionally experienced what was happing in real life.
I was in the ocean. There was no land in sight and a metal fence ran through the middle of the ocean. I held onto the inside of the big waves as they crashed into me and I held my breath as they passed over me. I grasped for breath in the middle of the sets until I realized I could swim over the fence to the other side so I could prevent the beating I was getting being sandwiched between the wave and the fence. As the next big wave came I was holding my breath, gasping for air as it passed but then realized I was holding onto the fence with dear life. Letting go would detach me from the only thing that kept me fixed in this situation. I had a fear of letting go. I knew that my body would be free if I let go but I also didn't know the predictability of what was out at sea. This all happen in this dream. It was tiring and had a very important message too.
So what does it mean? I didn't know until I had an energy session scheduled and I remote viewed her body before her coming in. I saw her heart area and saw waves going outward from her heart and I saw her beckoning or waiving them back into her heart. I assisted this client a year ago with the death of her mother. We have worked on different areas since then so when she came in and when I asked her how she was and replied, crying, that she was really missing her mom. I knew this vision of clairvoyance was connected to my dream. It was directly related to the emotion of grief. Is it coincidence that in the following two weeks I had two other clients grieving recent loss of their parents? Is it a coincidence that I got news that a beautiful client that I worked with during her process with cancer passed away?
Deepak Chopra says coincidences are "Conspiracy of improbabilities that move us into a expanded state of awareness." He goes on to say that, "they are a connection that you have to your own soul and your core consciousness co-creating in a creative process with the universe."
I will take it a step further to say that other people in our lives are part of that creative process as I have experienced in group meditations and in this case when my dream came through in order for me to look up Karla McLaren's process for the emotion of grief and I could support my community in a loving way from that empathic space and from knowledge from others who have done this work before me.
Like this dream I believe this aspect of my life has been the foreshadowing for the BIG work I will be doing in these next few chapters of my life. I have been told I will be helping souls transition into the world and exit back into the ethers. A wise man told me that my spirit has helped many woman birth babies, that I was a midwife in a past life. I was told that I got much joy from witnessing the miracle of the spirit transitioning into human life. This all makes sense to me because I never had children but have seen dozens of pregnant clients and their babies over the past 16 years in my practice. I was asked to be my friend's birthing partner and helped her bring that baby into the world, doing Reiki and other "midwifery" duties. I've seen countless mothers wrestle with their own waves of emotion before and after having babies. Socially or externally we celebrate birthing and babies, like most new exciting beginnings, we are attracted to the light of these babies with joy, naturally and beautifully with love and support.
This brings me to the polarity of this; what support do we receive in the end? What about death? How do we die consciously after a life of experiences, relationships and emotions that can trap us much like the fence in my dream?
Good question right? Death is something we use as a way to motivate us to live more authentically. "You could die tomorrow," is said in a way to emphasize the importance of the unpredictability of death in relation to how we are LIVING our life. We say, "life is short," as a way to speak about its preciousness and impermanence. Also, we speak about death after someone has passed by saying "rest in peace," we wish this for our loved ones and their loved ones but what does that mean? Are we absolved of everything when we die? So how do we LIVE in peace so we can really Rest In Peace?
I have an idea being a byproduct of how death impacts a young soul and I work within the realms of the spirit world through the physical form and meditation, but it wasn't until last week this all came full circle for me. I was on my way to my best friends home to do a little facial on her and pull a new soul collage card from her deck for my focus in meditations. She is 65 years young and she is a shaman, hypnotherapist and counselor so this is standard practice for us. On my way there I heard an email come through and I clicked on it. When I opened this email I had the very same energy come through me the day I was 10 years old trying on hobo costumes. A deep wave of energy and knowing that something bigger than me entered my energy field. I literally read the title of the course and said, "oh crap," and sighed. Then quickly clicked the link to the course and told myself I would deal with it later that evening after I returned home to tap into it further. Well, the title of the course is DYING CONSCIOUSLY and it's being held in Mexico City with a Mayan cultural perspective on rituals. The email had a picture of a gold coin medallion in it. It shouldn't be a surprise to me anymore how connected I am to my own soul and how it connects to the universe as a whole, but it is. Out of a full deck of cards I pulled one with a Aztec Warrior on it. My dear friend made these soul collage cards and every one I've pulled have not had the powerful energy like this one. It's in your face. Nothing else on it to distract you from the power of this image. I starred at it in disbelief because although the energy that came through was very strong when I opened the email an hour before, it was a quick process that I put aside to process later for timing purposes. She said, "wow," and I told her I knew what it was and started crying hard and quick. She asked me why I was crying and I told her it was because it scares the shit out of me. She said, "well then you know you need to do it." I said to her that it seems impossible with everything else I'm doing. She said, "ask for help," and so I am.
It's not easy for me to ask for help. It's not easy for me to want to go to a daunting place like Mexico City. It's not easy for me to put this information out to you all and it's certainly not easy digesting the concept of helping people die consciously. So why am pushing through it? Because I know that pain pushes until vision pulls. And I have vision. I have vision into the unseen. Like a satellite and wifi I pick up these transmissions and it's my job to broadcast them into the world through my work. So I push. Push through fears for the betterment of humanity, through my community I hope to have a ripple effect on the world. This is what I feel the world needs most now. Support, love and ultimately UNITY.
If this resonates with you please take action to help me make a difference in the world through this course. Let's see how it ripples out into the field that connects us. Let's witness the information I learn wrap its loving arms around someone who needs the comfort of releasing anything that weighs them down in the ocean of emotion or ties them to the fence of habit, stuck in a place of regret or resistance. Let's experience death in a way that releases the fear of letting go and returning back to the light. It where we all come from and return to. Help me honor it & assist it.
With all my loving gratitude,
Los Gatos, CA