fleeing from my abusive family

SUMMARY
I live with my abusive parents in a country during a pandemic where the community criminalizes me and my rights are debated, I want to run as far as I can where I am not recognized or known, where my family can never find me again. I wish to completely cut my contact off from them and be where I can finally feel safe. 
 
I need your help to survive and support to be able to live in a completely different country and continent. I have a plan, and I need you to believe in me for me to finally achieve the freedom I have long dream of. I have never made any major decision in my life, this took me a whole lot of courage to post.
 
TRIGGER WARNING
Physical, emotional, verbal and religious abuse. Mention of suicidal ideations and attempts. 
 
BACKGROUND
For safety reasons I wish to keep my birthname private, but I go by the name Jaime on the internet. Before March 2022/2023, I am planning to run away from my physically, verbally and religiously abusive parents who has been continuously gaslighting, indoctrinating and mistreating me under the guise of helping and loving me.  
 
Donations provided here will be used to help me flee the country, as the laws in the country I live in cannot protect me— a queer and transgender, apostate male in a community that explicitly wishes death upon and criminalizes people like me. 
 
For 20 years I try to cope with how unstable and toxic my living environment is. 
 
When I was still in school, it wasn't a safe haven for me to study but a place for me to feel safe and wanted, sometimes to sleep and relax. Even if my friends and teachers were unaware of how severe my situation was, it was still possible for me to escape that environment when I was in school.
 
My parents aren't the most emotionally stable people. 
 
My mother is still struggling from the abuse and trauma she went through since childhood. Being the eldest daughter, all the responsibility falls on her shoulders when her parents divorced. She dealt with her own unstable mother and four other siblings in poverty.
 
Nobody took her seriously and regarded her psychosis and violent outbursts as a demonic possession. In result of not getting help for her mental health and not having self awareness, the abusive cycle didn't end with her.
 
My father is a simply an obliviously self centric man who believes in extremism. Their marriage is volatile and unhappy, with my mother suffering in silence as she endures his unfair treatment and financial exploitation, not to mention his ridiculous conspiracy theories and view on the world.
 
I am aware of the luxury I has being the firstborn, but it was no excuse for strict and toxic parenting I was raised with. I began to develop toxic defense and coping mechanisms, which made my parents hate me more. There is almost not a single moment of peace in the household. Even when the family is quiet or in a good mood, it never lasts long. There is a tension and anxiety where something very bad might happen soon. Worrying that one of us might have a violent outburst is one of them.
 
My mother once threatened me death in public, and continued to be in a bad mood the whole morning merely because I displayed distress when I couldn't find her in the small mart...mistaking it for rudeness.
 
Sharing both of my parents personality and physical traits, I am always compared to my mother by my father and my father by my mother. 
 
They have been at the verge of divorce multiple times, making us choose between the two of them and blaming it on their children. Like a self fulfilling prophecy, my parents would drop the burden, responsibility and blame of their unhappy marriage on me.
 
When I was five years old, I remember bending my head down and crying in the backseat while my parents were arguing as my father drives, with my mother threatening to kill us all by swerving the steering wheel.  My mother pulled this stunt multiple times for 20 years, my siblings and I would scream for her to stop and not kill us in a collective suicide.
 
I do not hate my mother for her mental illness and trauma. Domestic abuse is more complex than an abuser knowingly and deliberately inflicting pain, an abuser can have the purest intentions and believing in it while being awfully unfair without them realizing. An abuser can still hope for the best and do good things while being extremely violent, and justifying it. Between my father and her, she is the better parent, but I hate her for the physical and emotional violence she inflicted upon me since a child, passing me the humiliation and dread of existence I had to carry throughout my life.
 
My mother always told me about how I was consistently beaten and yelled at by my father, until one day my mother had enough of the violent treatment I received, she placed my baby sister who was merely several months old down on the floor and threatened to hurt her if he doesn't stop hurting me. 
 
My sister was born three years after I was born, so at that time, I was still awfully young...implying that I had been abused since before I was three.
 
My father obviously doted on my sister, who was quieter and more obedient compared to me. I inherited both of my parents aggressiveness, anger and defense mechanisms. On top of that, I was a 'difficult child to please and talk to'.
 
Looking back, I realize that it was a normal reaction and behavior of a stressed out and hurt child.
 
More than two family doctors suggested that I might be neurodivergent, which meant I was born with a brain that was wired differently. In short, instead of taking me to a professional, my father printed pages of wikipedia regarding the mental disorders I was suspected to have, handing to a seven years old me for me to understand 'everything that is wrong with me'. 
 
My behavior often misunderstood as being rude and rebellious, though I am either genuinely forgetful, confused or upset. 
 
The 'diagnosis' was later used as an insult and a threat. Slurs such as r/tard, psych/path and insults such as 'detached from reality' and 'more evil than the devil' does not faze me anymore. The stigma the disorder I was suspected only gave me internalized ableism, I was scared of anyone else figuring it out.
 
I was constantly threatened to be abandoned in a mental hospital, frightening me with the stories of 'people who lost their mind' like me. They told me how my friends will no longer love me if I were to receive an official diagnosis, told me how being known disabled and getting help is the worst thing that could happen to me.
 
I had my mother come knocking on my childhood best friend's door with a belt, shamelessly yelling and demanding for me.
 
The frightened 6 years old me hid behind my friend's mother before my own mother continued to drag me away, yelling at her for defending me and beat me in the middle of the street in front of an apartment when I tried to defend myself. 
 
My mother has high expectations for mannerisms and etiquette. When I was 9, I made the mistake of giving my best friend my mother's phone number so she could call me on days either of us did not attend school in case if we had assignments. My best friend called my mother ny her name instead of her title, continued to lash out on both my friend and on me. Ever since, I keep my friendships a secret to avoid her controlling my relationship with my friends amd scare them away. 
 
Throughout my childhood, I was constantly beaten half to death, bleeding amd black and blue. Being forced to wear a hijabi and 'modest' clothings to school, my injuries were always hidden. My genitalia was hit, in hopes that I will not be able to carry a child. I had the shirts I was wearing ripped. My head, chest and throat were stepped on, I had a bowl made of glass slapped on me which broke on impact. I was locked in a small and dark compartment where I screamed for help. I was isolated in a small room locked from the other side as a punishment. I was starved and I was deprived of sleep.
 
Mentally, I was gaslighted into believing everyone else was untrustworthy. That people are watching closely, that people knew, that I have so much secrets. I was raised believing my mom could read my minds. I grew up paranoid. I learnt he basic necessities 
 
Socially, I remember being scared of introducing my friends to my mother, in fear she might humiliate me. I remember my friends purposefully leaving me out, fearing my mother might attack them. I remember having my friends whispering to me, 'your mom is here', whenever they see her in the school grounds. I remember compulsively lying to protect myself, to make myself seem more interesting than just the friend with a scary mom, desperately trying to keep all my friends as they leave one by one. I was threaten death amd dragged to the police station for things that can simply be settled in the household. 
 
My mother claimed that the child that she loved was long dead in 2013, implying that I am no longer loved and I had crushed her expectations. It was obvious in how different the way she talked to me after hitting me now, compared to when I was in primary school. When I was a younger, she would tell me how much she believed in me and hopeful for me to get a better life. She told me to study well and get into a boarding school, where my father couldn't reach me.
 
Now, she would only yell at me at how disappointed and heartbroken she is— disregarding how much in pain I am. My mother is a confusing woman and a compulsive liar. I can never tell what is the reality of things when I listen to her. Not to mention how anxious she is about how people perceives her, so she attempts to control her children too as we 'represent her'.
 
To cut the long story short, my experience in boarding school made me feel worse. The students were harsh and so were the teachers, including the councillor who blamed me for the bullying I went through. I was a gifted student whose mental health was deteriorating, I was failing in an elite school, not to mention the fact I came from an average family.
 
I didn't fit in.
 
Almost all the time, I cried on the public phone begging my parents to take me home and to change schools. After a year, they finally listened to me. 
 
By the age 15, I was already used to being suicidal, mental breakdowns becomes something frequent. Sometimes I fight with my parents the morning before going to school and I would be beaten up, forced to walk to school or get yelled at in front of the school gates. At this age, I finally received my first smart phone. But a few months later, my mother took it and smashed it on the floor multiple times until it shattered before hitting me.
 
In total, I owned 5 phones and all 4 of them were smashed by my parents, the 3rd one was confiscated and returned to my friend who I bought it from.
 
Instead of confronting me, she accused me of thieving and embbarassed me by bringing this up in a group chat for the parents of my classmates and my homeroom teacher. She fought with my friend's mother, while everyone else watched. 
 
A phone and a computer is a luxury I am not allowed to enjoy, not even in my current age. I was isolated, friendless with nowhere to go and no friend to trust, the internet waa the only place that welcomed and loved me. Even so, my parents despises the fact that I use the internet to chat with people.
 
Because of my childhood, I developed a terrible personality trait— perfectionism. Because of this, I was always late to school, I was unwilling to submit my homeworks. Even during exams, it didn't matter if I ran out of papers or out of time, I will repeatedly rewrite the same sentence until it looks The Right Way. Contrary to what my teachers believed, I was not able to control this behavior on my own. A noticable flaw would send me into isolation and a depressive episode.
 
This explains to how and why I failed my most important exam in highschool when I was 17. 
 
Because I was under a huge amount of stress, my perfectionism became worse. Instead of being able to finish the paper I could've gotten A+ for, I had a mental breakdown. No one paid attention. I didn't answer the questions at all. Because I was convinced that I will not live past 18, the exam didn't matter to me as I was continuously thinking of killing myself the whole year. The fact I was sick and stuck at home for half a year did not help. 
 
The next year, my mother found me a college that would accept me. And I  desperately wanted to get away from home, thinking I could do well in college, be able to graduate and get as far as I can from my family, I agreed to further my studies.
 
Instead of feeling more secure, I felt anxious and distressed. For the first few months, I did well and followed the rules. But gradually I became more and more suicidal, having roommates who were pressuring and stressing me out me under the guise of 'helping me' did not help at all.
 
I ended up crying about everything— my college, my future, my dormmates, my family, my childhood, the heartbreak I endured that year. Every weekend I refused to go home to avoid confrontations. I remember my mom begging me to come home and as I feared, I fought with my parents. For a week, my phone was confiscated and I felt incredibly alone and isolated. This was the first time I started cutting, some of the scars still visible today. 
 
This was when I started getting more frequent nightmares and hallucinations related to my family.
 
Naturally, I lost interest in studying and lost hope in getting a better life. 
 
In June 2018, I was chosen to give a speech in front of thousands of people. Unfortunately on the same morning, I mentally broke down on my way to the hall because of something my dormates forced me to do. I cried on and on in the bathroom, unable to function. In the end, I decided to drag myself up the rooftop and people only called me because of the speech. This made my mental state worse, and I started stealing medicines to  overdose on.
 
This is the first time I had a real suicide attempt.
 
This explains why I decided to stop going to college. I wasn't mentally available.
 
My parents never took me seriously whenever I tried to explain to her that I am sick. They ridiculed me and called me stupid.
 
I wanted to work.
 
But I wasn't allowed to, my parents insisted me to work at home for my mother instead. While the salary is huge, I did not enjoy working at home where it is uncomfortably tense and full of violence triggers. July 2019, I began to have more frequent mental breakdowns until it became a daily thing to endure.
 
While the physical abuse has become less, there isn't a day where my parents doesn't verbally abuse me, degrade me and threaten to beat me or break my phone. Every morning, without fail, my family will argue and curse at each other. 
 
Verbal abuse doesn't sound serious but trust me, for a person who has been living in such environment, it could send me to another depressive episode where I mentally breakdown for hours and days.
 
I am struggling to survive, and I had enough of this house. I even lost my front tooth due to a physical fight with my father.
 
In October 2019 I finally got a job, but even so, my parents will always argue with me and complain about picking me up late at night when my shift ends. No, I wasn't allowed to get a license either. As my father have said, he worries I would take his car and drive away.
 
So I had to stop going to work. 
 
I tried to run away to a shelter in the city in March/April, but the pandemic happened. My father is now home more often, stressing everyone out especially my mother and I. The violent outbursts and beatings became more frequent. 
 
I was constantly stripped, stepped on, thrown sharp object at, picked up and thrown, locked outside to starve. Just a few days ago, she grabbed my head and twisted it in attempt to murder me. To be shouted at outside the house where everyone could see me was humiliating, I was ready to kill myself that day. 
 
In May 2020, when I tried to tell them that they was being violent and it's affecting my health, they became very angry at me and started blaming me. To be exact, I asked her  why did she lock me inside a small, dark box when I was 9. 
 
Her answer was: You must've done something terrible. 
 
In result, she took away my bed, threw out all my clothes and books. For weeks I starved and slept on the cold hard floor with nothing but a single blanket and a pillow. For weeks I went through nightmares. 
 
With the lack of financial stability AND burdened by my student loans, I have no idea how I should run away. I am still not allowed to find a job either.
 
My last straw was a month ago, when my parents locked me outside for hours after beating me up, attempting to kill me while degrading me.
 
Now, I decide that have enough. I am no property.
 
Now, I realize I do deserve help.
 
Now, I accept that asking for help and telling my story to the world is not weak. 
 
MY PLAN
 
By March 2022/2023, I am planning to fly to a faraway country and reside there. I'm choosing that month specifically because that's when the flight is the cheapest, and the pandemic (hopefully) would be over by then. In addition, waiting for a passport and a visa may be a very long process.
 
Because my country's currency is small, 2000$ would suffice for me to:
 
—get a passport
 
—bus fare to go to the airport 
 
—transportation to the passport office
 
—book a flight
 
—buy basic necessities 
 
—leave a small amount of money for my mother, not because she is my mother but because she is an abuse victim of my father too.
 
I would need the rest of the money combined with whatever money I manage to collect throughout the months to acquire visa, a conditional authorization granted by a territory to a foreigner, allowing them to enter, remain within, or to leave that territory.
 
FAQ
Q: What about your other family members?
 
A: They live across the sea. They are either unhelpful, not close enough to me or just the same as my parents. My uncle terrifies me ever since I woke up one morning when I was 10 to him sleeping next to me. Not to mention, my father's side of the family is awful and does not like my mother and I. Logically, my mother can simply find me if I were to live with her side of the family and manipulate people into her favor. She has a rather good relationship and connection with her family now. 
 
Q: Why did you not report this to the cops?
 
A: Everybody suggested this, I am tired of listening to it because obviously people are unaware that cops doesn't care....or couldn't do anything about it. When I was 14, my mother reported my father's abuse twice but there is no response or action taken. Being neurodivergent/disabled, they might misunderstand me and call my mother instead of listening.  I haven't tried reporting myself, but believe me when I say it isn't easy. The laws in my country are against people like me, the community I live in belies that children are in their parents complete control and the abuse and rape of women is justified. In addition, I live in a small town. What if my attempt fails and word gets out? What if my mother hears about it?  It is not as easy to report this to the welfare department either, especially when I have absolutely no records of my abuse and the inability to explain and articulate to the authorities about my condition. It is not easy reaching for help regarding an abuse, when you there is no solid proof and the memory you have of it is gaslighted. When the only witnesses you have are just as gaslighted and just as scared. I don't only worry for myself, I also worry about the consequences of my actions. If I were to report this, it would be a something bigger than I intend it to be. Everyone will hear about it. My mother's customers, the whole neighborhood, the schools, my father's university, the whole family, the whole town of my family and where I live. If my either of or both of parents are taken away, it would be a more difficult situation that it already was. It would break everyone and costs money and it would be a permanent damage for the entire family. The authorities won't care. 
 
As much as I hate my abusers, I would like to leave as quietly as possible with the smallest impact.
 
 
 
Q: What are you currently doing?
 
A: I am working from home, in hopes to pay the my students loan before I leave. It is the only thing I could do, given how my mother threatened to chuck me out of the house if I were to get a job. I am trying to convince my mother to let me study, so I can get a job when I move away. I am trying to convince my mother to let me work as well ( though she might just find a way for me to work from home ), since work experience is also a requirement for visa. 
 
Q: Have you reached out for help?
 
My neighbors are unhelpful and might turn me in to my parents instead. I don't want to risk ending up in a conservative household, just to be abused and mistreated all over again. I tried reaching out to the suicide hotline but they were not very helpful. I vented about how abusive my parents were but still, they asked me if they can change my mind about running away from my house. They merely gave me a number of a church and told me to call them to seek shelter from, who never replied back. I rather not seek shelter there anyway, given how I live in a conservative country and my religious trauma. I don't want to take chances where I might get abused again. I tried talking about it at my work place, but my workmate silenced me and talked over me, telling me not to 'embarrass my family by exposing their secrets'.  This happens more frequently than I like it to be.
 
Q: What about your friends? 
 
A: My highschool friends are no longer friends with me, except for one and she is currently studying and living with her parents. She is the one and only reliable friend, but her house is small and couldn't accommodate more people. My online friends on the other hand, lives extremely far away from me....where my parents can't reach me. Therefore, I am planning to live with one of them.
 
Q: What about your relationship with your father? He is rarely mentioned in the description.
 
A: He is the one driving everyone in the house mad, with his ridiculous and hypocritical rules and anger issues. Sometimes he would joke around and laugh, ( not to mention his 'jokes' include hitting and insulting people )  but suddenly he would be very angry and yell. We aren't allowed to go out, or entertain ourselves hence why there is no television in this house, why we almost never go out on vacation UNLESS if my mom suggests it. My father only started being kind to my mother when she started working from morning until night at home, providing for the family. He would use the money she made, and only giving her one thousand a month to pay bills, cook everyday and give allowance to all five of my siblings.  Before that, he was very aggressive and unfair towards her, including taking her share of food during their wedding day, insulting her and frequently saying "this is my house.". He would beat up my siblings and I, then blame things on my mother. For the mistakes my siblings and I did, he would punish her. Not to mention how he teaches his theories about the United States government trying to indoctrinate us, coca cola and tesco trying to sabotage us, how this and that food are unhealthy, how entertainment is a sin...in result, we are restricted from doing so many things, even though hypocritically, behind us, he's doing some of the things he forbids us to. His irrational rules ruins my future and hopes, saying how the careers I wanted to choose (Writer, a waste of time. Designer, a sin. Animator, creating, imitating god = a sin. Scientist, defying god. Astronaut, a scam = the earth is flat, choosing to wear clothes we like = sin. ) 
 
Q: What about your relationship with your siblings?
 
A: We were raised to survive and often pit against each other. Even the youngest one (7)  is unbearable to have around. None of them are trustworthy or helpful. Multiple times, I was hit because they couldn't keep a secret and ratted out on me for the most minor things just to see me get beaten. None of us would cooperate in fear of betrayal and blackmail.
 
Q: What did you mean by your country's laws cannot protect you?
 
A: TW - religious abuse, transphobia and homophobia. Please keep in mind, religion ≠ culture. Please do not say harmful and hurtful things towards the religion I am implying, instead, condemn the actions. I would like to clarify that these are generalization indeed, but it is the majority, and the things the minority like me have to endure. 
 
1) This county does not believe in marital rape, let alone domestic abuse. The culture encourages it ( abuse ) for disciplinary too. Make no mistakes, this 'rule' is also applied on wives. 
2) The process of officially converting to another religion ( unless if it's the majority/national religion ) or simply being atheist takes a very long time, and often declined. Having the religion on my identification card, the laws of said religion will be applied to me.
 
Some of the religious laws include:
 
—Not fasting during fasting month
 
—Holding hands with the opposite gender ( in some states )
 
—Having a different opinion from the religion on something and spreading it
 
3) The laws of this religion also includes punishment, rehabilitation and public humiliation towards LGBTQ+ individuals. Even homeless shelters provides 'spiritual help' for the LGBTQ+ individuals staying there. Usually, the rehab process takes 4 years or more, forcing the teachings of the religion onto the individuals.
 
4) The country is extremely and openly prejudiced against Christianity and Judaism. They called out christians who were spreading the bible, their teachings and used the cross even though their community does the exact same thing. They taught young children that all Jewish people are dangerous enemies. The religious intolerance is so high, a chinese man was jailed for years merely for criticizing the religion...after being ganged up by locals and beaten up. 
 
5) Suicide is criminalized and religion is a mandatory subject in school, the topics in history being monopolized by one religion's history. Students are often forced to stay at school for "extra curricular", often religion related things. 
 
6) Since marital rape is not a law here, it is common for victims to end up marrying the rapist and have their rape allegations invalidated. Not only that, it is also romanticized in popular fictions. In schools, children are taught to blame rape on the victim and to practice modesty. 
 
Socially, people will attack and insult others for committing a perceived 'sin', while being hypocritical...or give unsolicited advices and being patronizing while painting themselves a good person. It is difficult to reach out for help in this kind of community. I have never been free from their scrutinization, even being silenced multiple times when talking regarding my mental health and my abuse. 
 
 
YOU HAVE NEARLY REACHED THE END OF THE DESCRIPTION, THANK YOU FOR TAKING YOUR TIME TO READ AND FOR SPARING YOUR COMPASSION...
 
If you are unable to donate, it is completely fine and understandable. But please do me a favor and SPREAD awareness about religious abuse. Be aware that abuse is complex and npt black and white. The nicest person on earth can be toxic behind the doors— worse, without them knowing what they're doing. Whole nations of people are suffering in silence as this issue is rarely talked about and taken seriously. People are having their abuse invalidated because people are comparing reality to disney'w abusive mother tropes. I hope this at least sparks a conversation about it.
 
If you cannot fund me, then help me and everyone else who goes through the same struggle by talking about it. 
 
Everyday, a young girl is 'picked' by a pedophile to be wed once she turns 18. Everyday, someone is being beaten up solely for individuality and a different belief. Everyday, someone is suffering from identity crisis because they are not allowed to express themselves through clothes and interests since childhood. Purity culture affects a victim with the same symptoms as sexual trauma. Religious abuse denies one's ability for independent thinking, creating a whole generation of people blindly following, judging and executing. 
 
Everyday, someone's rights are denied. I understand that not everyone has the financial stability to spare other people some money, but what you do and say matter so please: 
 
Talk about religious abuse more. It helps people more than you think it does.
 
 
PS: i did not use my own adress and  my real name to create this gofundme, but if you think you are from my country, or any country with the same issues, please, please do not spread this publicly ( RT, RB, SHARE ) especially if your social media is being followed by multiple local accounts. I am terrified my mother, or worse, the authorities will find this and target me. I might be paranoid, but I don't trust a country full of people who abuses religion and refuses to admit their flaw. 
 
 
 
 
 
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