keeping Faith

Hi everyone our names are Lizzie and Daniel,
we have a unique story that we would like to share in efforts to raise money for our family during a particularly hard time. We have three children, Jordan 9, Caden (galmost) 6 and Faith.  Faith is our newest addition but isnt able to be at home with us because of her prematurity.  This story is about her and how she is a miracle in everyones eyes.  In february 2014 we decided we wanted to have one more child and hoped for a girl since we have two boys.  In June we saw our little girl on ultrasound and were overwhelmed with excitement. In fact after the ultrasound was done I went into the restroom and secretly jumped up and down with excitement. The first thing Daniel and I did was go pick out a few little outfits for our daughter. That excitment turned into pure fear Thursday morning July 17th at 3am.  As Daniel was getting ready for work I woke up and noticed that I was leaking clear fluid.  I didnt think too much of it so after Daniel headed to work I calmly called the Dr to see what I should do.  Being only 22 weeks along (not due until novemeber 17th) I thought that the Dr would have me go to the ER, but instead the on call Dr told me to go to the family birthing center right away.  I woke up our boys around 6am and dragged them out of the house to go stay at grandmas house (Daniels mom and step dad) while I went to the Doctor. As I entered the Doctors office I figured It would be something miniscule and he would send me home,but I was wrong, very wrong.  I tested positive for amniotic fluid and when my Doctor checked my water he confirmed I completley ruptured the bag.  My dr said “you’ll never make it these babies usually come within 24hrs. The dr refused to even give me a steroid shot just in case I did make it to 23weeks. after that I was yelling and crying in a panic telling my Doctor,"no youre wrong!!!" and started shaking with fear. I could hear other women right on the other side of the curtain laboring through contractions excited to be on their way to having a baby. My Doctor told me “sshhhh” beaus I was screaming and then said “there’s nothing he could do” and I could either go home and wait or stay on the hospital to wait for her demise. I chose the hospital. I prayed and prayed and prayed every night. I tried to hold in her for as many days as possible and was prepared to sit in bed for months because I really did not want her to come before 23 weeks, if she came before 23 weeks the doctors would not try save her.  On sunday the 20th of July I was having some cramping but tried to ignore it thinking it was just a stomach ache from all the antibiotics.  I called my sister and said “what do u think of the name Faith ?” She said “I don’t really like it but it’s not my kid”. By sunday i was 23 weeks and 0 days and I had been in the hospital for 4 days.  Daniel was on his way over with the boys while I was sitting in my bed talking to my mom waiting for him to arrive.  I got up to use the restroom and thats when everything went downhill.  Before I stood up off the toilet I looked down to see if I had bled anymore since the last time I used the restroom because i had been bleeding alot and had been bleeding almost my whole pregnancy but my doctor told me he wasnt worried about it. I also had told him that I thought i was leaking amniotic fluid two weeks prior to these events and he said no your not,without even checking me(he clearly didn’t care if my daughter lived or died) when i stood up I was completley horrified when I saw that the umbilical cord had partially come out, what they call a prolapsed cord, no oxygen, automatic death. I screamed for my mom to get the nurse and got back into bed quickly.  All of the sudden a rush of doctors came in and started assessing the baby. The Doctor did nothing but examine me. He had found her heartbeat but noticed that she had turned and was now feet first instead of head first. The Doctor did an internal exam and confirmed her feet were already in the birth canal with the cord, but I had not started labor yet. Because my water broke she was just able to start slipping out.  By then I was screaming at him and yelling that I just wanted Daniel to be there. I screamed at the top of my lungs, "NO NO NO NO PUT HER BACK!!!" But the dr said she’s a dead baby. Sorry hun nothin I can do.   When Daniel showed up i was hysterical and told him that the Doctor said our little girl was gone and there was nothing he could do. Daniel burst into tears and yelled at him saying, "its our daughter if we want you to try and save her you have to do whatever it takes” the dr said fine I will if she’s still alive but the Doctor insisted there was nothing he could do.  He also told our family that was in the other room, that our daughter was a dead babyand couldnt be saved so they should just all leave, that these are the types of babies we don’t save anyways......The Doctor left Daniel and I crying in eachothers arms for about an hour. After about 4hrs passed I remember thinking how awkward it felt laying there with her partially coming out and why wouldnt he just take her out now? I could feel the heartbeat of the umbilical cord so i knew she was still alive, but the doctor told me she was gone and in fact told The neonatologist she “was a dead baby so you can just leave “ but the neonatologist refuses to leave and said he was staying on standby because the parents wanted this baby no matter her condition (this dr later told me that he felt my OB was seriously in the wrong and should not have played god).  He came back about 4hrs later to induce.   Even though I wasnt ready to give birth to a baby I was told had already passed away, I had no choice and Daniel was losing his patience with the Doctor,  he actually yelled at the Doctor and said, "Cant you see shes in pain?! lets just get it over with.  Get her out now!!!! You have to try and save our baby if we want you to" the Doctor said he wouldnt be able to get her out until I was fully dialated and induced me. In the hour it took for me to go into labor we were left alone in the room once again to just wait. Daniel kept asking me where are they why werent they at least trying to help her. Daniel and I were crying the whole time trying staring into eachothers eyes and I just ketp apologizing for letting him down and not being able to save his daughter to which he responded ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. we cried trying figure out how to cope with the situation when she comes out and we still hadnt picked a name. Daniel said I should pick the name I liked the most and  I had already decided I really wanted to name her faith. The nurse came back in a little while later and I asked what we were supposed to do with our daughter after she was born dead  and the nurse said “you’ll have to make funeral arrangements “ I said “but we can’t afford it” she said “well then I guess you’ll have to figure something out” By then I was in so much pain from the contractions and decided it was best to get an epidural becuase I was already in shock from hearing that my daughter was gone I could not also handle the pain. Finally I was dialated enough to push although i could not feel her come out at all, feet first.  I just remember Daniel holding my hand and encouraging me to push. He brushed my hair back from my face constantly and told me to squeeze his hand then kissed me.  When she finally came out I buried my head in Daniels arms so I wouldnt have to see her, but Daniel was brave enough to look at her and after a few min of her being born I noticed his face went calm and he stopped crying, but i didnt know why.  The doctors were working on Faith, but i didnt think it meant anything about her being alive until I heard the team of doctors announce she had a heart rate of 50.  My Doctor got up before he was even done with me, bloody gloves still on and went over to where faith was and stood there with his jaw dropped in awe of the fact she was still breathing.  He had left her in the birth canal partially coming out assuming she was dead, not based on little faith herself but based on the statistics he knew.  In fact at one point after Faith was born the nurse said to us, "are you sure you want to continue saving her?" and the Doctor quickly snapped back at her and said, "yes!" almost as if he was annoyed we wanted her to be saved. Then he said," they already know the long term consequences of saving a baby born this early" really snapping at us for wanting to save her not at the nurses question.  My doctor had repeatedly told me since the day my water broke that babies born this early are the kids you see in wheelchairs with tubes coming out of every orphace of their bodies and it would be a huge burden on our family to have a mentally handicapped child.  She wasn’t worth it just let her go she’ll be a burden..... After my nurse and doctor finished with me the doctor left immediatley without even really saying anything.  Well where he was was sitting in a chair feet up on the desk flirting with nurses and I know this because my mom who they put in an empty room so she could wait to see me, got tired of waiting and went and searched for us and the drz A little while later the nurse came in and said Faith was on life support, but stable enough to transport her to Sutter in Sacramento where the best NICU team was available.  This is where I was already supposed to be!!!!! but my doctor said he didnt want to transport me down to that hospital “because the staff was probably  too busy for me. “ even though the NICU team at sutter roseville where I was at, had already told the doctor they wanted me to go downtown to sutter in Sacramento immediately.  After a few hours they brought faith into my room to my bedside in an isolette so I could see her before she got transported.  I started crying as soon as I saw her and told her I was sorry because I felt like it was all my fault.  How could I let this happen to her. My first girl. The truth is I didn’t even really see her because of all the cords. Daniel decided to go downtown with her and after hugging me and kissing me trying to get me to calm down,he left and I was all alone thinking the worst possible scenario,that when he got there she wouldnt be alive anymore. After Faith arrived at the hospital her doctor called me and said he had her and she was stable, but babies this early tend to do well in the very beginning and then go downhill. Almost she had 10days and a less than 1% chance “ he didn’t want me to try to save her either.  I told him just do what you have to to save her. just take care of her.  My OB that delivered Faith came back to check me and didn’t apologize or anything. The next day I quickly got released from the hospital to go see her. I knew she was still ok because Daniel had sent me a little video of her after she was put in the NICU.  Faith was born on July 20th at 1lb 3 oz and 11 inches long. four months ealry. Every day is a milestone for her and everyday i cry for her.  Today she weighs 1lb 1oz, but they expect her to lose weight as all newborns do.  Her doctor said to us, "every day we go without something major happening, is a good sign nothing will"  so far day 5 and she has had no big problems.  Shes on the ventilator but not on full support which the doctors thought was just a miracle. They expect her to need to many blood transfusions but hope thats the worst part. The whole team of nurses was shocked she was doing so well and continues to impress them.  They call her little rock star.  Every day Daniel and I visit her for usually the whole day and literally just stare at her and talk to her.  We constantly pray with the pastor over her and hold her hand as thats all we can do and are not allowed to hold her.  we talk to her through the hand holes in the isolette and watch her squirm. Thankfully our families have been taking care of our sons so we can be with Faith, but Daniel can only take a week off of work with using vacation time and I was denied disability because I hadnt made enough money in the time period they looked at which has left us  in a huge financial strain.  At the beginning of August our lease is up on our place and we have to make a decision on either to move or to resign a lease for a very expensive amount for 6months which we still cant afford because I can not work right now.  Im an emotional wreck and feel like i was robbed of something I wanted so badly which was carry her to term which i knew might be impossible since both of my boys were premature just not like Faith. On top of that its my sons 6th birthday and my 29th birthday in a few weeks. The drive from citrus heights to the hospital is where we are spending the most money and I wish i could sleep there all night right next to her, which daddy did the first night, but in order for me to keep up the milk supply she desperatley needs I have to take care of myself.  I dont like to ask for help, but we are left with no choice except to borrow money and put off paying some bills.  We just want people to know our story more than anything, but if possible help us through a very tough an trying time.  Any sort of donation helps and we are incredibly appreciative for any amount.  Thank you for reading our story and please pray for our daughter Faith who is still fighting and getting stronger everyday. Faith is a tiny miracle from heaven. Please pass on her story. Thank you.