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 I never imagined I would have to write something like this, but here goes... after twelve years in a relationship, I am now trying to rebuild my life after domestic abuse, including controlling and coercive behaviours.
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 I am asking for help because, due to my disabilities and severe mental health difficulties, I cannot simply pack a bag, find a job and start again.
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 For much of my adult life, I have been extremely dependent on my partner, and before him, my mum, for practical support.
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 I am disabled and largely housebound, and I live with severe OCD, complex PTSD, anxiety and depression alongside many physical disabilities that cause significant daily pain and exhaustion.
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 I am also autistic and struggle enormously with changes, uncertainty and unfamiliar environments.
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 For years, my world became smaller and smaller. I became increasingly isolated and more dependent, and I lost what little independence I had to begin with.
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 I now understand that what I experienced within my relationship was domestic abuse.
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 That included coercive and controlling behaviour, intimidation, emotional and psychological abuse, and extreme explosive anger and rage (punching a wall, kicking my dog, screaming in my face).
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 The thing is... there were truly happy times, too (many of them), which is what made it so hard for me to recognise the abuse.
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 There were times when I felt frightened, confused and unable to understand what was happening to me, and times when I would freeze rather than being able to respond, which only caused more rage.
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 Because I have severe OCD and trauma, I have spent an enormous amount of time questioning myself, wondering whether I was overreacting, whether things were really as bad as they felt and whether I somehow caused or misunderstood what was happening. I have spent 12 years believing I was the cause of his anger and that I deserved it because I'm disabled and maybe ask for too much, autistic and experience meltdowns, or simply because my silence made him angry.
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 I am only now beginning to understand how much trauma I have been living with, but the relationship ending does not mean that everything is suddenly okay.
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 The most validating moment for me was when my neighbours told me they heard 8 years (since we moved into this property) of abuse. They detailed how they would hear the same pattern frequently: me crying and him screaming.
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 For me, one of the most painful parts of the abuse was when I found out I was eligible to be referred to the OCD Clinic in London and my ex cried and told me he didn't want me to go because, "I'd get better and realise I didn't need him any more."
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 I put his needs and insecurities above my own and didn't seek the help I desperately needed. I now understand that this was not the behaviour of a supportive partner and is, instead, a form of coercion and control.
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 I am now facing the enormous practical and emotional task of rebuilding a life after twelve years of dependence, isolation, and abuse.
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 For someone who is disabled, autistic, severely affected by OCD (to the point of not having stepped foot outside alone in 15 years) and has been dependent on another person for so long, starting again is overwhelming.
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 I have also spoken to people who knew my ex-partner before me and learned that many of them had experienced similar patterns of abuse and manipulation. Hearing their experiences helped me understand that what I had experienced was not simply something I had imagined or caused. Based on their own experiences, I learnt that he is more dangerous than I realised.
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 This is why I need to relocate from Northern Ireland to England as soon as I possibly can, to be with my mum, who can provide the safety and care that I desperately need.
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 What ultimately ended the relationship was when he cheated and planned to leave me for another woman. As much as this hurts, I am actually thankful it happened because I would have easily stayed with him through more abuse, out of love.
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 When he moved out, I was left without the financial resources I needed to manage the move and start again.
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 As such, I am asking for help with travel and moving costs back to England to live with my mum, meeting the remaining rent and housing costs on the home I am currently living in, essential household items, food until my benefits start back up, and the countless unexpected costs that come with rebuilding a life after abuse.
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 While I do run my own small business from home, I am not currently able to work because of the severity of my physical and mental health conditions.
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 I have now been bedbound for the past six weeks due to the impact this trauma has had on my body and nervous system.
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 I am trying to navigate benefits and other sources of support, but those systems take time and I am desperate now to move away from here because I don't feel safe.
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 I am also trying to rebuild something that was taken from me in a different way: my independence.
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 Before all of this, I had dreams and plans. I have a small creative business making handmade jewellery, and I want, eventually, to be able to work on that again.
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 I want to have a safe home. I want to be able to make decisions about my own life. I want to be able to leave the house alone someday without being terrified. I want to recover enough to have a future that belongs to me.
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 Right now, though, I need help getting there.
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 Any money raised will go towards the costs of relocating myself, my little home studio, my three cats, and rebuilding my life: travel, accommodation, rent, essential living costs, household necessities, disability-related needs and, when I am able, getting my small creative business back on its feet.
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 I know that times are difficult for so many of us, and I don't take anyone's help for granted.
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 If you can donate, even a small amount, it will make a genuine difference to my ability to find safety and begin rebuilding my life.
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 If you cannot donate, sharing this fundraiser is just as valuable.
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 Thank you for reading this, and thank you for helping me out of this traumatic situation.
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Anonymous

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After Abuse: Help Me Find Safety & Rebuild My Life

Just £831£ to go! Make an impact.

After Abuse: Help Me Find Safety & Rebuild My Life

Just £831 to go!
Make an impact.