A Fathers Day Request

Thank you in advance for reading my rant. I'm normally too proud to ask for much of anything, so this is very difficult for me. I don't scam people.

My name is Jared. I'm a very proud father of four miracle children. They are my world. My everything.

I've never felt so embarrassed and ashamed to be writing anything, but since I have committed to being completely honest with myself and everyone who reads this, I'll lay all the cards down now.

The Admission

I'm in a terrible financial situation that I have, in turn forced on my family who depends on me. We have little money and few groceries because I left my construction job of 15 years without any savings. I wasn't fired. I wasn't laid off. It was a pretty decent paying job.

I didn't make that decision lightly or overnight. I had to do it. I knew it was the right thing and I still know. Now you may be asking WHY??

The Reasons

I need to be close to my children. To be available for them. Working a 9 to 5, an hour away, sometimes out of town, and even out of state occasionally, is no longer an option for me. I can't disclose all the details without dragging other people into this without their consent, but a situation arose recently that was a serious eye opener for me when my son broke his arm and he needed a good parent to be there for him. And I wasn't able to be there for him. Just the thought of that brings me to tears even now. I cried at nights seeing him lay asleep with that cast on his arm, just wishing I could have broken mine instead. I know many would say it's just a broken arm. It impacted me in a way I never would have believed. It made me wonder how horrifying it would be to lose a child. I can't imagine my parents' pain when my sister died years ago. It was extremely difficult for me to cope with, but likely pales in comparison to their struggle.

My son's broken arm isn't the only example of where I should have been there and wasn't. There have been many. It was an eye-opener I needed.

The other reason I left my job is because my pain had become nearly unbearable. What pain? The pain in my mouth and in my lower back. I have avoided dentist and doctor visits for years. Most of my life. Until now. I've dealt with the pain by overdosing on headache medicine and ibuprofen daily for about the last 3 years. I don't know the full extent of the resulting damage yet. I was consuming on average 200 pain pills a week and I told no one about it. I knew it was a bad for me. It was stupid. I didn't skip a day taking those pills until a week ago after I finally made myself go to a clinic to have my back x-rayed. I knew something was terribly wrong because the pain pills weren't masking it anymore. I could feel crunching and popping in my lower back with little movement. Even with the back brace I've been wearing for months now. I still don't know all the details but it appears the disks in my lower spine have deteriorated or compressed to where the vertibrae are making direct contact, according to what I've been told thus far. And that's exactly what it feels like. Bones rubbing together. I'm off the pain meds for about a week now so I can feel everything I've been masking for ages.

My physical therapy starts next week and I really hope (keeping my fingers crossed) that's all I will need to fix that problem. I'm terrified at the thought of injections to my spine or surgery. My doctor hasn't discussed other options at this point. As a side note, I'm very grateful for him being so patient and empathetic with me when I broke down the other day. He was one of the first people I had made these admissions to.

My other problem is my mouth. Its the reason I started with the pain pills to begin with. Despite my efforts to avoid the dentist for a long time now, I've had 3 extractions done in the last couple years or so. But my teeth are all decayed beyond repair and I'm constantly fighting infections. Its dangerous I know. And very painful most days. I loved to eat more than anyone I know, until I had this problem. I was already thin at 165, but I could tell I was losing weight when I renewed my license. I could see it in my face. My doctor visit confirmed that. I had lost 20 lbs. Now 145. I know its because I have a high metabolism still, and haven't been eating nearly enough. I take supplements for nutrition but that's not enough it seems. I'm working on that, but it hurts. My dentist appointment is next month.

The Solution

Now that all the embarrassment and humiliation is out of the way and my pride is completely shattered, I truly thank you for reading my story so far. I have faith that me and my family will be just fine with or without anyone's help, but I will ask for help now anyway. And this is because I know I would try to help someone in need anytime I am able. I don't need to prove anything to anyone. I've always tried, and always will. The government will help us some, but they'll take their sweet time doing it, even though I've been paying into the system for almost 30 years and asked for almost nothing.

I will continue to work and provide for my family, but I have very limited physical capabilities now. I have been studying software development and marketing for a few months now, and intend to move forward while not being bound to a time clock or being far from my family. It's a difficult transition to make, but I've been good at any work I've set my mind to and I have learned the discipline to follow through now.

My computer is old now. My desk I made myself is not the right height. My office is my laundry room. My chair was intended to sit on the porch or lawn. I will be successful regardless. It will take some time though. I will do odd jobs like food delivery to scrape by.

If you can help speed up this process in any way without putting yourself in a bind, I will be forever grateful and pay it forward when I am once again able. If not, I still appreciate you taking the time to listen. It was a lot to get off my chest.

For The Fathers

I've had many disagreements with my dad over the years, and we've gone ages without talking. In the end, I need him to know that I love him and have the utmost respect for him for always doing what he believed was right for his family, even though it may have meant dealing with hardship at times. I didn't get enough hugs or "I love you"s, but I know he acted out of love. I wish him a happy Fathers Day. We need more fathers in the world that will do whatever it takes to keep their family safe and secure against all odds. I am striving to do that and have much to improve.

If you are a father, I wish you a happy Fathers Day. If you've made many mistakes as I have, you must be human like me and I hope you know today is not too late to work on being better. If you're already dad of the year, I congratulate you and hope to achieve the same, and carry on as long as I breathe.

A huge thank you to all that have read this.

-Jared