Silvia's PTSD Healing Journey

Here is my story and ultimate surrender to the Universe for help. I was recently diagnosed with complex PTSD and have been learning so much about the disorder. I remember when I was younger, I said I was going to be the first female Hispanic President of the United States, and I wholeheartedly believed I was capable of achieving that goal if it was what I truly wanted. I had a natural born drive to succeed and be a positive contribution to society. I'm the first born of two warriors who emigrated from Chile and Mexico and managed to raise three children who all graduated from a UC with a bachelors degrees, a rare accomplishment for first generation, low-income households. There is a fire within me that used to fuel me to strive for all of my dreams, until life interfered, and I slowly let the fire dwindle, almost letting it completely go out as I experienced more and more adverse life experiences while an adolescent. I was born into a sexually dysfunctional family that has a long history of chronic incest and emotional abuse as well as alcohol and drug addiction. From age 3 to age 20, I was taken advantage of by multiple family members. My first memory of the abuse and reaching out for help is from when I was around 5 years old and my grandfather began doing inappropriate things to me. I tried to ask for help; however, as it happens way too often, I did not receive the emotional support and nurturing I needed. I truly believe this set the stage for an 11 year run of being groomed and molested by an older cousin, which I finally put a stop to when I was 20. Since then, I have sought professional help to address the shame, guilt, and other negative emotional and behavioral outcomes that occur with long term incest abuse. Since I had tried to reach out for help to a number of people and was always either misunderstood or treated with judgment instead of compassion, I developed a wildly distorted perception of myself, and ultimately turned to self-medicating with alcohol and drugs. The chemicals provided an emotional and physical relief like I had never felt before, and I was immediately hooked and ran with it for 10 years until I hit my rock bottom last weekend.

Although I was no longer being violated by another person, I began a cycle of abusing myself with these substances and was okay with slowly killing myself as long as I didn't have to feel any more emotional pain. 5 therapists and 6 years after I started my journey to heal, I'm finally willing to accept that I am not my trauma and have a desire like never before to turn my life around and live up to my full potential to realize my destiny. I have an extremely difficult time reaching out for help; being vulnerable is one of the hardest things for me to do since I was hurt so badly when I tried to speak up when I was younger. Something had to change before I ended up dead or in jail, so I put my pride aside and told work about my substance use and emotional instability.

Even though I went through everything I experienced when younger, my will to live a stable, happy, and peaceful existence has carried me through to where I am today. I have a job as a study coordinator at UC San Diego, my alma mater, that I absolutely adore and have been working with some of the most amazing, hard working, and compassionate individuals I have ever met, so I asked if I could take time off to check myself into a residential dual diagnosis treatment center. This center saved my life. I immediately connected with everyone there, and finally found a therapist who gets through to me, and finally, I don't feel any judgement.

Unfortunately, my insurance did not cover the full 30 days I was hoping for, and I had to step down to a lower level of care sooner than expected. I tried going back home, but that hasn't worked, so I am committed to continue working on my healing and sobriety and moved into a sober living and want to raise the funds to pay for a few more days in partial hospitalization.

I moved into a sober living home; however, since I live in San Diego, any decent sober living is extremely expensive and can only afford one month there with my parent's help. My therapist encouraged me to stay 3 months minimum.

This is where, once again, I will put my ego and pride aside, pray to the Universe with all my heart, and appeal to the generosity of people who have the means to help fund my healing process. In recovery they say desperation is a gift because it creates action, and I'm committed to work my program with all of my heart and soul because for the first time in 18 years, I truly believe I am worthy of it.

Thanks for taking the time to read. I am grateful for my life and that I'm able to see that I have so much potential to be healthy and help others. My only obstacle now is the money it costs to get there. I'm asking you all to invest in me so I can one day be a rehab counselor and help as many people as possible in the same way I have been helped. Thank you all and I wholeheartedly appreciate you for believing in me and my future.