“ The love of my life died today. Dean was fine this morning and was going to Candy's to wash clothes (out washer is broken) and he was going to fix her dishwasher. He took her a Starbucks coffee and took chocolate milk for the grandchildren. He stopped on the side of the road to dig up buttercups to replant here. He told Candy he had used his nitroglycerin spray and he was shaky. She turned to do something and turned back and he was passed out in her kitchen. She couldn't get him to wake up. He fell face first and it busted his nose and he was bleeding. She called 911 and they were telling her to turn him over and she said she couldn't, she was a little person and he was big. They wanted her to do CPR and she tried but she is so small she couldn't do it and she cried and kept saying 'i love you daddy, i love you'. The paramedics did everything they could. They shocked him several times. This happened 3 minutes after he got to Candy's house. Candy called me and was crying and i couldn't understand half of what she said. We jumped up and got dressed and raced to the hospital.
Dean wasn't there yet. They came out and said it didn't look good. Then a little while later they came and took us back to a little room where a doctor came in and coldly told us that he passed away. Kendra knew he was on the way to the hospital and was driving in from Nashville. We didn't want to tell her while she was driving so we waited till she arrived. The asked me to go and identify the body- the body?... He was no longer a person he was a 'body'. I had them calling to donate organs and I haven't even told my daughter her dad was dead. People come in and i don't know what to say. I don't even know how to feel. My husband is laying in a room and he should be there with me. Can we do anything? I don't know. what do you do after your life partner for almost 35 years is gone? I cried till I couldn't breathe. I thought I would pass out. I cried till my head hurt. I watched my children as they saw their dad laying there... cold and pale.. Dad but not Dad. I thought my heart could not hurt anymore but it did. Seeing them in so much pain. They keep saying to take things one day at a time, one hour at a time. I can't think a minute ahead. I don't know how to survive without him! I didn't want to leave the room and leave him there.
He does everything for us. He takes care of us. I haven't pumped gas in years because dean has always done it. He takes care of me and the kids after every surgery. he carries them when they can't walk when they are hurting. He teaches the grand babies about nature and critters. He fixes our cars and appliances. He helps me in and out of the van. He does the grocery shopping. He is my knight in shining armor. When everyone else only saw my outside, Dean saw me inside. He was never ashamed to be with me. He never thought there was anything 'wrong' with our children. He just loved us. We drive down the road and he takes my hand and it still makes my heart flutter. even if i was mad at him he could take my hand and i would melt. I held his hand today. It was rough, like sandpaper, from all the hard work he has done. It was cold ... not nice and warm like usual. His hands are always warm. He would hold my little hands in his when they were cold to warm them. We would rub my legs to warm them up when they were hurting. Now they are cold.
People ask if they can do anything. I don't know. I don't know what to do or what we need. I know that I need my husband. I want this to be a nightmare and I will wake up tomorrow and he will be here. Chandler came and hugged me and said 'don't worry mom, ill take care of you'. He is 15. We are supposed to take care of him. Andrew has been such a rock for us today and then i see him with tears streaming down his face saying,' this isn't supposed to happen. He is supposed to teach my kids all this stuff. i don't know it. he's supposed to teach them.' Thank you to all our wonderful family and friends who came to the hospital and to the house. Thank you for your kind words and prayers. Pray for us. Do anything you think needs doing. Sit with us. Cry with us. Hold us. Love us. I know my sweetheart is with the Lord but I'm selfish and I want him here with me. “
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