Christine Mary Baril
July 13th 1965- April 29th 2014
I lost my mom almost three years ago. She was the light of my life, my anchor and my best friend. She remains to this day the most genuinely kind and selfless person I've ever known. She was sick for more than half of her life, suffering from lupus, COPD, early-onset dimmensia, pancreatitis, depression, and an array of other ailments. Through all of these struggles she never ever let them stop her from smiling and loving to the fullest. She loved her family and she cherished the connections she made in her life. She was the kind of person that would take a whole day to call each and every contact in her phone to wish them a merry Christmas, even her cab driver. She would drop everything to help the people she loved most, even when she was struggling. She taught me so much about perseverence, selflessness and most importantly love. Although we both knew it was coming it was still the most reality shattering experience of my life. For almost two years I lived in denial and depression, punishing myself for what was lost, what I could have done to change it and what could never be. I let myself fall deeper into a pit that, with her help, I had finally begun to escape. Reality felt surreal, my emotional state felt hollow, somehow devoid of any substenance. It was as though the fire in my soul died with her and I had convinced myself it would never reignite. Slowly but surely I began to realize that I was my problem. I let grief consume me, self-doubt control me, and failure frighten me. I had retreated so far inward that social interaction was suffocating, smiling was painful, and happiness was just a murky memory. That's when it hit me and the voice in my head began to whisper, 'Is this what she would have wanted for you?'
I'd been so consumed with wallowing in my grief that I didn't realize how selfish I was being. As a little girl my parents did everything they could to give me the world. They brought me everywhere: Disney, Sea World, The Magic Kingdom, but their dreams fell to the wayside and between the rising medical bills and the cost of living my mom wasn't able to travel as much as she would have liked to, leaving her dream vacation as just that, a dream. I still remember the moment when my mom told me her final wish: To have her ashes scattered in Hawaii, the place she'd dreamed of but never got to visit. It was one of the worst experiences of my life but I made my promise and I am keeping it.
I've been tasked with a mission that feels near-impossible in this modern capitalist's hellhole: Get my mom's ashes to Hawaii. I let myself make excuses for why I couldn't accomplish this task for too long: 'my student loans are piling up, my car needs repairs, and saving $25 a week isn't going to get me there fast enough.' I finally realized that it is my perception that needed a shift. Not all things in life will happen when you want them to but with patience, diligence, confidence, and support even the toughest obsticles can be overcome. I will no longer let my loss act as a chain whose weight constricts every aspect of my being. I will wear it proudly on my sleeve as a reminder that love is forever and it overcomes all, even death.
If my friends can help out, whether it be through donating or simply sharing this post, it is greatly appreciated and would mean more to me than I could ever possibly express.
There is noone that I know that is more deserving of this than my mom. She was always there for me and anyone else who needed a helping hand. I will continue to honor her memory by greeting each day with a positive attitude, a smile on my face and love in my heart so that maybe one day I can give back half the love and positive energy she emulated.
Through life and death, my promise will be kept.
Rest in Paradise my Sweet Angel<3
- steve byer
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