I've been in transition since 2019. In 2024, insurance approved cost coverage for surgery. As part of that, I managed to get facial surgery covered. Getting it covered, finding a surgeon, putting together documentation, preparing by taking hormones, socially transitioning, the works, it took years. This kind of surgery is often called ffs, facial feminization surgery. It's a weird and misleading term for what I had done. I knew how I saw myself and where I wanted to be in life and I knew that it wouldn't happen without serious intervention. I started talking to healthcare providers and counselors and explained that I was determined to find someone willing and able to do something more akin to reconstructive work, a planned and comprehensive treatment that would allow me to live authentically.

Three years ago, getting ready for the first stop of what was going to be a tour of hospitals all over Germany, the situation near my apartment deteriorated. One day I opened the front door of the house my apartment was in to what was a very clear and direct threat directed at me.

I couldn't put off surgery. I had invested all the time and energy I had and life without money, with my body changing, wasn't going to do me any favors. Transitioning in social security is not planned for. There's no path for that. It's often seen as a choice. It wasn't a choice. I was running from hell. I have not lived as a man. I have survived that. Whatever that was. I couldn't go through healing from surgery knowing someone had it out for me. I couldn't imagine having my face bandaged, on heavy medication, confused, walking through that house, having the neighbor boys mock me. Police didn't help me. I looked like a gay man to them. The housing company didn't help me. The guy who talked to me told me I looked ridiculous to him. I moved out and stayed with friends and had my surgery while staying on couches and in guest rooms, in cheap rooms for rent, occasionally sleeping on trains or at the station. That's what it took to survive. That's what I did. Don't judge me. Try walking in my shoes. I dare you.

It's important to note that I'm in social security. I had trouble walking. I couldn't focus for more than a minute at a time. I was depressed. I literally just sat there, staring at the wall, drool hanging from my lips. I'm sane. There's nothing wrong with me. If you've ever had someone attack you out of nowhere, punch you, gaslight you, manipulate, mock or threaten you, that's how I felt. I couldn't escape it. I couldn't explain it. I had tried a dozen different pills for depression. Nothing helped. Transitioning helped. Hormones helped. I have ADHD, I got a diagnosis in 2023. In the past nobody thought there could be a reason I might be stressed and my behavior looked erratic to psychiatrists. It was just stress. The medication was a godsent and I did not have that in the past. Other than that I have no other mental health issues. This needs to be ruled out for transition purposes, they have to make sure I know what I'm getting myself into. I have 6 years of psychotherapy and countless hours of counseling behind me. I'm confident in myself. I'm physically fit, determined and focused. I can work anywhere people will have me, I think. I'm in a program now where I can try things to figure out how that'll go.

When I was younger, I worked whatever jobs I found, often physical labor, in storage or at events, and eventually i went to university in my late 20s. I was smart as a cookie and physically fit. I wasn't accepted. I couldn't stand working with men around me. I didn't want to listen to them talk about women the way they walked about women. They made me anxious. I couldn't confront them. I was always outnumbered. I started drinking heavily and i got beaten up and worse. I did well at University but I wasn't ever part of the guy's cliques and women rarely saw me as a friend. I isolated myself and kept going. I found a partner. I had a room in a shared apartment. At one point, I didn't feel safe anywhere. I ended up in the psych ward where the way I avoided men was seen as signs of psychosis and I was forced on medication. Things went downhill from there. I couldn't explain my situation and I was just given more and more pills. I couldn't work, couldn't leave the house, I sprayed in most of the week, had a small apartment on the fifth floor I was lucky enough to end up with but I often couldn't even make it down the stairs because my legs were stiff with fear. I decided to clean up my act and look after myself. Stopped drinking. Stopped hanging out with people who didn't like me. That didn't leave many people. In 2015 I had bell's palsy. Facial paralysis on the right side of my face that never really went away after that. I exercise my facial muscles regularly but it's often hard to move my mouth. In 2018 I managed to leave for Berlin. I ceased all contact with whoever knew me.

I had to rack up a lot of debt to get here. My life is a mess. But I'm able to walk up to security at the courthouse, hand my id to security, and say, I'm Alexandra, I'm here to see the state attorney, and they let me in. That's why I do it. Please, please help me keep going.