Get me home to my mom

Hi all,

I honestly don’t know how to word this or where to start but was jumping back and forth in my mind all day at work wether I should make this or not. I know everyone has struggles and some worse than me by far so I felt like this would be embarrassing and honestly just sad to talk about because i feel like my struggles have been never ending to the point of feeling like it’s been nonstop signs that I should not be here. I don’t think my pain is comparable to the unimaginable hardship’s that others are experiencing, but I desperately need out of the situation I’m in . I moved to Kansas from Idaho a couple years back to start over after a DV situation that brought me to start forming bad habits. Since being in Kansas I’ve had back to back traumatic experiences with people and situations that I never imagined would happen. Growing up in a small town in Idaho made me trust easily and give everything I have meant to build a better life for me, to people around me instead and it has not benefited me in the city at all. I’ve been so desperate for friendship and good company since the moment I got here so In the span of two years I was left pregnant, with the father wanting nothing to do with it, to then giving birth and deciding to make a selfless decision and choose open adoption, giving my son away, and that pain outweighs everything and always will. That was how I started my “new life” in Kansas I then around the same time hit a deer when it was pouring rain around 5:40 am heading to work and wrecked my car which was inoperable for 8 months and prevented me from saving money, I got Covid twice, and all during was developing “ friendships” that have turned into me falling back into debt because I had been the financial support for every one. because I had no friends and that’s what kept them around until it didn’t and it would repeat so I take half responsibility in that because l shouldn’t have been choosing friendships over myself and focusing on the purpose of why I moved. I then have had to put cameras in my apartment window to watch my car from receiving threats of having my windshield broken and tires slashed because I rejected someone.

, The last couple of months in my apartment, I have struggled to pay rent and bills because I re-injured my ankle that I had previously broke while living here so was out of work for two weeks, and I still have not received Worker’s Comp. all while having my car in the shop for a month and a half causing me to buy Ubers to and from work spending 200 a week which then forced me to rely on food pantry boxes for groceries. to top all of these event off, last night I was robbed of the $1200 I had taken out to get a money order for rent(which I had been saying in excitement and relief that I was able to save some from each paycheck and not end up behind like I was last month) I tried to prevent them from grabbing and leaving with it trying to plead but was grabbed by my arms and thrown to the ground. After trying to plead again for them to bring it back I was given an ultimatum that I would only get it back if I engaged in sexual activity. i was afraid to be in my home, afraid of them being around watching me knowing where I was. so I sat in my car away from home with kabira for hours. I just really need support and help through yet another disheartening experience. Asking for any type of help as I was on the verge of getting evicted last month, and am again looking at eviction this month. no matter how little, any help is undeniably much appreciated. I will take literally anything, prayers, advice.. anything is welcomed and needed. I don’t feel safe in my home. I don’t feel safe being around people in Kansas or being in this state at all anymore I have no desire to be here but I just renewed my lease for six more months so I’m hoping with any help and every last penny I get and days off spent doordashing, I’ll be able to pay rent and pay extra($500) to break my lease so I can get a U-Haul(estimated $1400 including car tow)and go back home where I belong with my mom and feel safe physically mentally and emotionally I wouldn’t be seeking company if I’m with her. She’s all I need. but I am so far into debt due to all of this at only 25 years And I fear I am just going to get more into debt, have something bad happen because people know where I live and what car I have, or I lose hope and give up. I mentally cannot take another traumatic occurrence and I fear that I will start going downhill again if I don’t remove myself. Me being the social person I am and wanting company, I’ve realized it’s in not only in my best interest but my puppy kabiras as well to find company and be outside living life at a place I know there is a larger majority of welcome arms and selfless people at home rather than the city. Because of what I’ve gone through kabira has felt and experienced my pain 10x more and it’s not fair to her, I want her to see the smile and feel the happiness I felt in the picture by the snake River bridge because I haven’t felt that since being here. Thank you for taking the time to read this because even just reading, reaching out and sharing is appreciated and much needed to boost my spirit in staying strong.