Transportation & Living

2019 has been a hard year. It's been a hard 3 years actually. But this year I lost the love of my life, my baby brother. He was going to be moving to Colorado in just a few months, but he took his life on Feb 11  2019. Just a month later I attended the funeral of my adored older cousin. After seeing his body I broke down and checked into a mental health facility to manage my emotions and learn not to mask all my pain with alcohol. I began making changes to my environment and schedule  for the better. I'm not perfect by any means and I backslid for a night a few weeks ago. I got into a very regretable argument with my stepfather, and my fears came true. The car that they so lovingly provided for me 3 years ago after a terrifying car accident was taken away from me, and I was kicked out of my home. I lost both my jobs. I'm staying in Colorado Springs trying to pick up the pieces but I'm struggling to eat. This shouldn't be anyone else's problem but I'm desperate. Every night I dream of my brother dying over and over. I can never save him. I always thought that if he died I would die too because how could I live without him. Those two deaths have left me reeling and I definitely have made bad decisions because of them. But I just want a chance. I need a break. I can handle sobriety, I can handle the overwhelming guilt for my brother's death. I can handle the shocking betrayal of my mother... because it's not really that shocking at all. Twice now she has stood by and watched my life be destroyed by the men she trusts. I feel like I've lost her too. I'm asking for some help. I have a safe place to rest my head. And loving friends who love me unconditionally and listen and support me. I just barely got out of the JW cult 3 years ago. I've lost my family. And I've been nothing but a financial burden to my mother and stepfather. I just need some help. Because I don't know where to go. I thought I could trust them but I feel so betrayed and beaten down right now. I just need some hope. This money would go towards transportation to my new jobs in Colorado Springs. Along with getting back on track to a permanent living situation. I just want some peace and quiet. I want to stop crying. I want to be the amazing bad ass I know I am. I'm just so tired of being treated like I'm crazy by the ones who are supposed to know me the most. All I want is to be able to make a difference in the future. I want to help people by sharing my story. Does anyone believe in me? I just don't know what else to do. This is my cry for help. I'm okay. I know I will be okay. I'm not this crazy person that can't handle life. I've handled more life than most people I know. I've been abused over and over. I've been abandoned, raped, I've lost more than I can count to suicide, and I am still strong. It's just more than I feel I can handle right now. Losing my independence of having a car puts me right back to being a burden on other people's time and schedules. I just need help in this transition. And maybe my parents will change their minds in the future. But I can't make them do that. So for now I'm asking friends and strangers for some help. Also if anyone has an extra bicycle or anything I'm in the market!!