This is difficult for me to do, I’ve never asked help, I’ve learned over the years to survive and look after myself (which sometimes is wrong because it meant pretending I was ok when sometimes I wasn’t at all), but sometimes life just gets a little to big for even me to survive.
So where to start, my name is James, i’m 26 and well I’m gay.
I had a tough childhood, a dad that would rather have the son he imagined than the reality of the son he got. i grew up constantly hating myself being told, gays should all be dead, they are not natural and if my child was gay It would make me want to kill myself (and they were the more tame responses). To be hated by someone who should love you without question really does affect you in ways you wish it wouldn’t I felt like I was a mistake, that maybe I was cursed.
I got pushed down a path I didn’t want to be apart of and forced to mix with people who all believed being gay was wrong, and you could be converted as being gay was a choice. While all this was happening my metal health suffered greatly and I had a breakdown, but again got told you’ve got nothing wrong with you so stop being a ‘pussy’. So I suffered in silence slowly getting worse.
Till one day, I met him while working in one of my jobs, a boy who cared about me, liked me exactly as I was, flaws and all. Its a rare occasion to find someone you fit perfectly with, we became each others best friends and more we became each others fully. I thought I’d never find anyone until he walked into my life and it felt like for the first time I’d found my family. I felt what it was to be loved unconditionally.
We never left each others sides but due to finances both had to stay with our homophobic families. But we learned to love in secret and knew no matter what we had each other, we supported each other and grew from each other, the metal health issues I had slowly melted away, because finally I knew what it was like to have a family.
Then 2020 hit and hit like a hurricane, we both lost our jobs and he was forced without a choice to leave the U.K. and travel back to his home country with his family because he had no finances to support himself here, so we were both forced back to square one, once again left alone with families who thought we were better off dead than to live the life we were born to live.
And the months rolled on 2 months, became 5 months, became 8 months, to 11 months we remained each others best friends but times have been so hard for both of us. My mother suffered greatly from covid to the point were it was expected she would pass from the virus but she scrapped by to make a full recovered. His family suffering greatly from this virus that has swept over the world, he lost both his grandparents and was ill himself.
My metal health is slowly deteriorating again to what it was, and the distance between us feeling greater each month.
The boarders are slowly opening again now but due to his country being third world and suffering greatly his currency is worthless and every penny goes to just living there. after months of no income I finally got a job but on very few hours, and bills to pay, and the threat of closure again, money Is very tight
And so this is why I have to turn to you, I’ve never asked for finical help ever and am only doing this because I feel so lost and lonely and have nowhere else to turn.
I am looking to raise around £2000, this with anything I can save would allow us to be reunited for 3 months for both of us to escape for a small amount of time, it would allow him to be by my side once again just for a few months and allow us to be a family once again. Allowing us to recover from this lonely hard time, because not only having the scariness of covid everywhere, we are stuck to live somewhere that means our existance is hated and every penny would so appeciate because we are both feeling so lost in this world and honestly you are our only hope.
I chose the sunset as the photo because it was taken one of the last days we were together not knowing that it would be our last for nearly a year. I look at that sky and tear up because I know that there will be bright days ahead even though currently it feels like the sun doesn’t shine much anymore and each day slowly becomes harder than the last.
If you cannot help, please don’t worry I just hope you are all safe and happy, remember it’s not wrong to say you need help or to say you feel lonely, and you are not alone, you have me if no one else. And love everyone for who they are not who you want them to be.
From the bottom of my heart I want to thank you all.
Love you all
You do not know how much you mean to me.
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