I recently identified, with the help of a court ordered psychologist, that I have severe depression and anxiety resulting in addictive behavior. Apparently, using sarcasm and alcohol to "cure" or stem the oncoming panic epidsodes is bad. With the support of my parents and my boyfriend, I have been able to quit drinking and smoking marijuana. Since then, my anxiety has waned and my energy is back up to its high-functioning self. However, I've had to face several truths: I hate myself physically. I constantly worry about what people think. I hate that Ive been a burden on my parents. I hate that I incurred student loans for a degree I wont use. The Boston Bombing was really traumatic. Im going to lose the love of my life because I'm emotionally and financially unstable. My immediate family members hate me. I will never get promoted further because I care about my employees, and Starbucks is money oriented. I work at Starbucks. I was bulemic at 16. I have left/ walked out of 2 careers because managers hit on me. Im a flirt. I panic. Im actually panicking right now. Im desperate. I was in 3 car accidents in 1 month. My phone was stolen from work. I sound like im whining. I got pulled over and arrested and they accidentally put me in high security. (Dont worry... They apologized) I know youre judging me. I freak out around police. I have more energy than a normal person, and I medicate to chill out. Im tired of people asking me where I get my energy. Im overweight. Im hairy... reallt hairy, but I owe money to the man, so uni-brows are now my thing I have no taste in music. I put my foot in my mouth a lot I cant sleep anymore (hence this) I have no sex drive I hyperventilate I have extreme feelings of hopelessness I feel guilty about my favorite uncle I feel guilty about my faith. Ive become socially withdrawn I have an inability to relax. I skipped a period because of stress Can you die from just stress? Hopefully. I went to 6 different schools in 7 years in 4 states. One of my best friends died during the peak of my intake, increasing my addiction and fueling bad relationships. My exes verbally abused me, favorite phrases? "You could lose a few pounds" "whats that on your face?" "Youre so disappointing" Well, maybe they were right. Personally, I expect nothing to come from this. Ive been looking into high interest loans. I'd rather grab a surfboard and swim into the ocean to get eaten by sharks. But Ive always felt dying is easier than living, and I probably deserve to suffer. So here I am, on my knees, asking for your help. I owe a total of $14,000. And $2250 was due yesterday. You can take this and laugh, feel better about how fantastic you're doing. As you should. My immediate family members have already told me how much of a piece of shit I am and how they dont care. Im also sorry I didnt call, if any of you know what this is like. You know its really hard to talk. I need help and Im trying to get it, for all the reasons above. Feel free to call me or text me, I'll probably be selling my soul on the side of the street. Already got my cardboard sign painted.