My mom in vented, comatose and her kidneys are at zero function. Liver failure and she is not able to be do dialysis. My mom has two infection strands that are resilient and I can't do anything.
I feel useless.
My family is in Puerto Rico.
My mothers sisters are important to my my mother and I can't reach out to them.
And here I am speaking to palliative doctors and ICU doctors deciding not IF but WHEN to stop the ventilators.
This hurts me because of so many reasons.
1. She is a fighter and did not want to die in less then a year- now imagine finding out this news last week and today you are on life support.
2. My daughter is her pride and joy and her birthday is this Thursday. I know my mom will hurt more in after life knowing she went the same week of her grand baby birthday but had suffered enough and it's time
3. Puerto Rico has no electricity and communication to tell me what is right.
4. Financially- I can't afford a funeral. I take so much humility to say I am poor and live check by check.
5. My moms wishes was to be buried with her mother in Puerto Rico.
My thoughts have changed quickly:
It use to be if I let her go now, I wouldn't be able to fly out their and fullfill her wishes.
Then it was:
I HAVE TO FIND A WAY-she deserves to be rested properly.
This hurricane has hurt so many of us PUERTO RICANS IN OUR ISLAND/ but it has hurt me and my family more
- not to be able to tell them of Whats going on with mom
-I need to find a way to get her back to her ISLAND.
So besides feeling hopeless I have no options.
I get how severe this is.
I signed the DNR
Today I decided to do comfort care.
And to be honest I think of everything. Her pain,
how the liver with time changes you and your mental status,
how my mom really wouldn't be the mom I knew (but who cares).
But I took pride and pure joy of just having her back home and took this diagnosis to heart and I was still thankful- even if it was just only more year.
torture perhaps to other but it was one more year to cherish my mom. Not every one is equipped mentally to care for the ill- but I was ready to ride out this hell of a diagnosis just to hold her hand till the end.
But all has changed within days of that prognosis.
I got her home for 2 and a half days before she got ill and she begged me to call the ambulance on Tuesday morning. -so I did.
I'm proud to say the paramedic that was on call for my mom was one of my preceptors. And we took her down and to the Bus swiftly.
At the ER she lost her pulse and her heart stopped.
They bring her back to life but rushed her to ICU. There everything went bad.
Everything unfolded in front of me and it all spelled out - NO CHANCE.
I'm dealing with when is the right time to say goodbye.
First it was let her fight till she wakes up- then it was "she will never wake up from this"
Then it was we can wait after my daughters Birthday- because my momma would of fought to be alive so her granddaughter can enjoy her day.
This my friends was me bargaining how and when.
Then it dawn on me- I AM SELFISH- to hold on to her. She is in Agony and I have accepted our fate.
So tonight I will let her Angel wings spread open and let her fly and Soar to Heaven. It Gods name I Pray for her spot on those pearly gates.
She deserves this more then the pain on earth.
I'm also dealing with not having enough time to request off.
It hurts that I'm only shy 15 days to be a year at WOrk and able apply for FML.
So if you work with me and feel like donating some days to me. I would be greatful.
My job has been very accommodating
I have to wipe my tears and remember that I have a home to come back too and I cannot break or loose what I have.
No matter what I have a child to raise and I can't loose my job/ my security.
So I am forced to hide my emotions and pretend that everything is alright for now.
My mothers wishes was not to be ever intubated again,
her wishes was to be laid to rest with her mom.
She wants to rest in Yauco Puerto Rico.
I pray for a savior and a way to make this happen.
I kneel on the Ground and beg God and every one to find a way to honor her wishes.
But I have no money. I am ashame to admit that I'm a poor girl living day by day and I can't make this happen alone.I beg you, I know I might not know you. To help me- Actually my Mom to have a proper Funeral service.Anything would be appreciated even pennies.Please share to every one. And I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm just a Daughter crying out for help.
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