In need of a brighter future

Hi, my name is Andrew, I'm 20 years of age and will be 21 on the 15th November. I suffer with severe anxiety, OCD, attachment disorder, autism and ptsd and mentally am very ill. I'm not sure where to begin but I'll start by giving you some background on my life so far... At the age of 3 I was adopted after being severely neglected as a young baby/toddler, causing a number of severe emotional and mental complications in my later life. Over the years my adoptive mother has thought tirelessly for me to have the right support in my daily life, at school and college which at times despite how hard she thought it felt as if it was never enough. Like we failed. Yet each and every time my Mum always got me back on my feet to help fight that little bit harder in the hope someone would listen, although at times it still seemed like no one did. The relationship between me and my adoptive father was almost non existent growing up. As a young child I was often frightened of him although sprouting up through my teenage years I grew that little bit stronger despite at times my adoptive father never being there for me and making my life a complete misery. Similarly, this has also greatly affected the relationship between myself and my adoptive Mum over the years due to the extreme tension surrounding the household. Until recently where the past 3 years have left me heartbroken, shattered, empty, suicidal and too mentally unstable to carry on to the point where my brain is finally starting to shut down on me and despite having endless thoughts of suicide, with death being my biggest fear I have never been brave or strong enough to bring myself to end all the pain and suffering but I'm at a point now where it feels like the only option and has done for a long time. At the age of 18 my adoptive father attempted to make me homeless despite my mum fighting everyday against all the nasty things he had to say about me and organising a family support team to help build a relationship with me, he didnt want to know and said to the family support team he "didn't care and wasn't bothered." Luckily my adoptive Mum was able to send me to live with my grandparents which over time turned out to be very traumatic. And with both my adoptive parents arguing endlessly to the point where with my mental struggles becoming more severe and feeling that my family was becoming less supportive and more divided, I began to feel very panicked and insecure. I felt I had no other choice other than to reach out to my adoptive family, which now feels like a huge mistake as I ended up seeing one of 3 of my birth sisters then all of them turned up unexpectedly and everything was happening too fast for me to make sense of what was going on around me. Then emotionally things go much worse when my birth Mum who was too mentally unwell to look after me due to my birth father being an alcoholic and violent towards her, standing in front of me in tears wishing she could have looked after me, saying how sorry she was and I could see in her eyes just how poorly she was. There was far too much emotion for me to comprehend as everything happened so quickly and she left me a promise to let her see me again even if it was her last look into my eyes. A promise I felt I had to fulfill and last Christmas she was taken into hospital and with much encouragement from my adoptive Mum, I went to visit her in hospital where a week later she passed away with a positive memory she wanted since the day I was taken from her. The emotion hit me hard that Christmas, and since being a year at my grandparents I was already struggling greatly with losing my job as a website developer apprentice due to my mental health becoming so severe that I was making too many mistakes in my work and was unable to concentrate with all the traumatic events of living at my grandparents clouding my vision. My one chance at fulfilling my dream and I became too poorly to carry on so I am now living off benefits and haven't been able to get the support to help make me well again. When I thought that wasn't enough I was also fighting hard to save my pet Guinea Pig Smidge after being diagnosed with a severe lung infection as well as having the trauma of my laptop being stolen from me through a gumtree and PayPal scam where the thief pretended to be someone else. Sadly February this year my pet Guinea Pig Smidge who'd been battling a severe lung infection since Christmas couldn't be by my side any longer and died in my arms. After weeks of no sleep and staying up to keep him warm and help him stay alive he was to weak to keep fighting. What made things harder was covid had begun and the vets werent accepting appts. Smidge came to me August the previous year and since then he gave me a reason, a hope to keep going despite how broken I was. I wasn't ready for him to leave me. I cried and cried. I wanted to take my own life just to be with him. Until I decided I couldn't be without a Guinea pig and bought another one who I named waffles who till this day is my pride and joy. Waffles briefly met Smidge before he became ill and I knew Waffles was the one. Furthermore, since Smidge passing away waffles helped fill a piece of my broken heart no one else could and as I thought I could give him a happy life, everything was becoming too traumtic living at my grandparents until finally everything had broken down and I had no choice other than to leave. So my adoptive Mum rushed home from her holiday with my sister in Cornwall and begged her friend who she was living with to have me stay there with her. But again, sadly things too a turn for the worst very quickly with my mum saying some hurtful things and her friend making life complete hell. I was reaching breaking point. I just couldn't cope. I didn't want to live. No one was supporting or listening to me. What's really broken the relationship between me and my adoptive Mum was ever since I moved in at my grandparents my adoptive mum rarely made an effort to contact me which she says was because everytime she left and had to say goodbye it broke her. Then when I was going through my last few years at secondary school. The time where I need her to talk to the most she was there and everytime I tried to talk to her about much of a traumtic time she knew I was having all she said was "okay" and nothing more. And because of this our relationship has been and is at times too unhealthy and too tense for me to cope with. It was almost as if from my perspective the Mum I was knew was gone. She wasn't herself. Which a lot of it showed more later on after I moved into my Grandparents and when my father decided to kick her and my 13 year old sister out the house where they had to find somewhere to live. Similarly, it became too much living at my mums friends house and in the end after everything becoming more traumatic and her friend (saying nasty things and forcing me to do things I didn't want to) she made me homeless. Sadly I was to ill to anything or comprehend what had happened as I was soo used to being rejected. I often feel as I've I was never meant to be born in the first place. Like I'm a target for bad things to happen to. My adoptive Mum began crying in panic and didn't know what else to do other than call the ambulance and police as she didn't know who to turn to for help. I had no where to go. In the end I ended up staying in hospital for a week until they forced us out. And the authorities put me in a damp, freezing cold, neglected bedsit with a carer and staying next door to an alcoholic and druggy who attempted to force me and my carer into his room but my carer was able to force him away. The moment my Mum walked in to the bedsit with me she broke down in tears. I spent the night shivering. I had no money or food. The authorities promised to bring vouchers but instead turned up and said I would have to live off nothing but a box of cereal. At this point I was too ill and attempted to take my life until my carer intervened and saved me before it was too late. I had a massive panic attack, broke down in tears and went and hid underneath the blankets shivering until a few hours later when the one person I never expected to see again turned up after I msgd him about what had happened. It was my father, who told the people the worst about me, then walked over and surprisingly comforted me and asked me to come home. I thought this is it. Things can only be okay from now on so I took his hand helped him move all my belongings into his car. Once we got home I felt very unwell and extremely weird as I hadn't stepped foot in the house for about 2 and half years which was extremely dirty. So I took a packet of my father's cleaning wipes he never used and began cleaning the playroom where I sleep. I thought things would be okay although I quickly realized my father was the same person and ignored me whilst sitting in his lounge area in a seperate room. I msgd him endless times saying I need a shoulder to cry on and for him to be there for me but all my father would say was "I don't understand" and I'm not "worried about mental health" and continue ignoring me. I couldn't comprehend why. All I asked for was for him to be there for me. After two weeks of being at my father's he started his first day shift back at work, after spending months off for what he says "battling difficult times" and then came home that evening and began being rather hostile and unpleasant towards me so I lost my temper and stood up to him and told him to never speak to me that way again which he hasn't done so far. Furthermore, to this day I am still stuck living with my Father who after everything I can't trust and stay awake all night worrying and panicking with no one else to turn to, that he will bring harm to me and I honestly feel so trapped and afraid. On a positive note though after months and months of my Mum fighting endlessly I have just been given a flat through support housing which unfortunately needs new flooring put down and has no appliances or furnishings and only receiving benefits its hard so that's another huge struggle. I wish for nothing more than having a chance to become well again, get back on my feet and get a job. I pray each and every day the opportunity will come. Some of you may be thinking, he just wnats money. I promise you I'm not that sort of person. I'm a loving, caring, kind and genuine person whose been through an ordeal and is crying out for some human kindness before its too late. You don't have to donate. Pls only donate what you can afford. Kind regards Andrew

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