Ertzinger emergency fund
"This is brutal and tragic and graphic and raw and this is what suicide looks like. Roughly 11 hours ago, my sweet baby, my first born, was in a single vehicle car crash on interstate I-80. The crash was intentional and her latest in a long string of suicide attempts. She is 18, diagnosed chronic clinical depression, anxiety disorder, and borderline personality disorder. She is gender non-conforming male>female. She is so brave, but so tortured. She is in critical condition in the ICU at University of Iowa Hospital with both hips/femers fractured, right elbow and radius, ulna and one other bone in her arm fractured, mandable fracture, right temporal bone fracture, broken bone in right foot, severe liver laceration, small kidney laceration, maybe more as they continue to evaluate her. Today she will go into one of probably a few surgeries to come to put her back together with rods/pins/screws. She was just discharged yesterday from Waterloo Covenant hospital acute psych unit for a strong suicidal gesture/desire/near attempt Monday evening. That was her 13th psych hospitalization. Many said she was just looking for attention. I knew in my heart she'd persist until she succeeded, or in this case, nearly succeeded. I've done everything humanly possible to keep this child alive over the last 5 years, and her determination to end her own pain has led her here, where ironically, she'll endure more pain than she ever knew possible. This my worst nightmare so far on this challenging journey of ours. The long road toward healing she has in front of her seems impossible to face. How does someone who is so mentally ill recover from something so hard?? I don't know that I will recover from this. For all of you raising and loving your your children, I applaud you. This was never what I thought being a mom would be for me, but somehow, I still feel honored to be her mom. Hug your babies, even and especially if they are grown and struggling. If you can't hug them, call them. Right now. Tell them how wonderful they are and how special they are and how they mean the world to you. If I had the power to take her place in that bed, you better belive I would. Prayers, good healing thoughts and vibes welcome."
Sorry for the delayed update guys. We went to Genesis West ER at 9 p.m. Monday for a combination of issues -- psych but also some pretty severe medical (nausea, vomiting, fever spike). All kinds of tests run all night long: labs, ultrasound, CT scan. Then at 5:30 a.m. yesterday the doctor determined no medical reason to keep her further or transfer to Iowa City. Staff had only been able to get ahold of the on-call doc at UIHC while at Genesis, so I emailed the digestive disease doctor who performed or oversaw her abdominal procedures about 3 a.m. Tuesday. I told him what was going on and asked him to call me. He called at 12:30 yesterday and said get her here today, that he wasn't sure Genesis was capable of handling her complex issues. We've since been admitted. More labs, IV antibiotocs and this morning she'll go for an ERCP proceedure where they will endoscopically go in and check all the ducts that drain into the liver, gallbladder, pancreas. Definitely an unexpected hiccup in her recovery but happy to be back at the UI and with the doctors who know (and have the testing methods to diagnose) what may be going on with her. Thanks for all the love and support.
As a mother I can not imagine your journey, but as a person that was for such along time walking the path as your daughter I know her pain, I know that her struggle was and is real even as she lay there she has no idea of her world. She is stuck and for people to assume she needed attention they might want to say a prayer not only for your daughter and her family but also for herself. Here is a fact that you as a family of a mentally ill person might not know; we never stop loving you we don't wish you pain in fact we see yours as much as our own. We want you to except us and our way of living and yes dying. If I am on a ledge, and I have been there and failed in my attempts several times, I am only thinking one thing..It has to be better then this, there has to be a reason I don't feel and cant see the clouds. Sunny days are not sunny for me no matter how many people give me a pill or tell me they know me to be better then I am today. If your daughter was in the hospital yesterday, she knew how to get out she knew how to say the right things and to act like a good person. Then after out she saw the world as did I and wanted to run so fast that there is no way that train would hit her, there is no way she could have been stopped, today is her destiny same as it is all of the people who have loved and cared about her all of her life. I am alive for one reason today and that is because the waves in the ocean pushed me back to shore. Over and over again your daughter has had this happen to her so just love her and let her follow her God given path.
My thoughts are with you and sammie..I am proud of the strength and courage you both have...there are so many things around that really can drain us both physically and emotionally so pls remain strong....if you have an address I can write to you both pls message me...again thoughts and love come with this....
I'm so happy to read this latest update. St. Luke's has a great rehab center. I hope Sammie continues to make big strides in her improvement. Walking by herself with no walker is amazing, considering the serious injuries she's endured. And I hope you can capture of bit of your own life as her progress continues.