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A new border wall

$100.0M goal

Campaign created 6 months ago
It's time to support a border separation between the US and our only existing national threat: CANADA. We've had enough of their "aboot", their "superior" parliamentary system, Poutine, maple syrup and their bagged milk. With throngs of Canadians crossing the border daily bringing their tales of free healthcare, clean streets and Tim Horton's coffee, Americans find it hard to cope with the stress of knowing how good Canadian's have it up there.

But this isn't just about keeping the evil Canadians out of the U.S., it's about keeping Americans here. Think of all the actors, singers and YouTube celebrities we might lose if we get another Republican President. America is home to 98% of the world's award winning celebrities, and we can't afford a loss like that. Not today, not ever. Once they've tasted the sweet freedom of Poutine, they may never return. If you believe in American born freedom, if you have owned at least one Camaro, if you have ever soothed your baby to sleep at night by singing any song from a Journey album or have even seen a picture of a bald eagle, then you understand the need to preserve the American way of life. BBQ, chili cheese fries, strippers and elastic waistbands shall not be infringed! Donate today to preserve our way of life and to keep the evil Canadians where they belong, eh. Once we hit our goal, we will send contractors to the border to begin throwing bricks and mortar. Shouldn't take more than like 3 years, max. But for more realistic goals, here's the breakdown: Up to $400,000, well, that's not enough to build a wall is it? So at that point I'll just do something frivolous & irresponsible with the money like buy my family a house. If we can hit up to $800,000, then I'll still buy a house, but then I'll pick someone in need at random and buy THEM  a house too. If we can hit between $1M and $4M, I'll split off 50% and send it to St Jude's (not a joke). Anything over that, but under the final goal will be split among various worthy charities actually. So while this is clearly satire (who doesn't love Canada, eh?), that's only up to a point. Any real money that comes from this will be handled by a tax attorney to disperse among the worthwhile children's charities (not by me). If y'all are crazy enough to hit the goal, then I guess we're going to throw up a wall. Sorry Canada. I'm just a regular guy who's having a bit of fun, however if this became a "thing", we can actually do some good. At the close of the campaign, we will see what goals we've hit, and distribute as outlined above.
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$100.0M goal

Campaign created 6 months ago
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