Bullying, help me move please

*The funding would be for*: Medical expenses on anti depressants, psychology sessions of counselling due to the abusive I have endured for years and also, BUT more importantly :: cash for me to move out and rent a room so I can survive away from this madness and try to pick my life up away from my abusive father, which I cannot do because social workers force any money I get from a job to go to him as he claims benefits, so I am basically his slave. Only external money that doesnt come from work would be mine and that is why i had this idea as a last resort to save my life. 

Below is video proof of my abusive father telling me to kill myself,  one of the rare times I managed to tape him harassing me : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gGOkXRhPG6w




UPDATE : 15.04.2019
My dad just hit my face with a wash cloth, after i cleaned the toilet, before laughing at me saying "i would have taken 10 minutes" he has been belittling me more and more and mocking me and then when I confronted him angrily he got in my face and pushed me out the kitchen door then came in my face, grabbed my arm and said "dont you ever fucking talk to me like that again or ill make you swallow your teeth" with his disgusting breathe on me ... he said for me to get the fuck out or he will forcefully call someone and i wont like where i am going, i asked is that the police, he said you will see, get the fuck out of my life you worthless piece of shit.

Please watch this https://youtu.be/gGOkXRhPG6w


UPDATE 04.04.19 - I left about a week ago from today the 4th of April , my job which i was NOT under contract for, because I was supposed to be working part time and was forced to work 8 hours a day for below minimum wage, again all the money would go to my abusive father, and i was there from feb-march, I worked all of march but 2 days and they WONT PAY ME ANYTHING!! I hate most Portuguese people because of this mentality of nastiness, they are abusive, scammers, disrespectful, cold-hearted and beyond anything legal!. They are demented to enjoy causing me grief. The systems here are all CORRUPT! I was working 8 hours and was paid shit for February, but march i wont even be paid... why am i even alive? 

UPDATE: 12 MARCH 2019 MY DAD DID THIS TO ME, He entered my room and squeezed my arm then he said if i didnt give him money because of a phone call i made trying to ask my uncle for help for housing, that he would hurt me even more, when i cried calling him abusive he said to me "YOUR a bully, YOUR abusive, and your fucking crazy" and he said if i didnt go to sleep he would call the police and get me put in jail" my chest was hurting and i couldnt sleep i was so physically stressed i vomited, I know he would this is Portugal, no one cares i tried asking for help and last time nothing, this feeling of both being trapped, mocked and ignored is inhuman and I feel like a target is placed on me. 


UPDATE: My dad just said I have until the end of the month to leave or else he will kick me out anyway :( 


Hello,

I hope each of you reading this are well. I would like to politely ask for you to read carefully.

I will begin by introducing myself as best as I can. I am a 23 year old that suffers from chronicle anxiety and severe depression. From an early age I was bullied by numerous people, and one in particular, that I have tried so hard to distance myself, but cannot escape from, is my father; who I am forced to live with or else I will be out on the street homeless and potentially die even quicker than I already feel like I am about to.

I’ve suffered from depression since around 2011-14 but was clinically diagnosed in late 2015, my parents are divorced and when I was 12 years old my parents and I moved to their native country. Since moving country I have been subject to all sorts of abuse, violence, bullying and stuff I rather not go too much into detail on right now, as I still have nightmares of the brutality of others hateful actions and foul behavior towards myself, (video-taped in high school, thrown papers and other objects at, people that I didn't even know would scream my name and call me abusive and hateful words and trip me up in the hallway on purpose because I did not act like them,  and because I was quiet) I was also forcefully silenced by teachers; my father and society as I was told at the time blatantly by a headteacher years ago, I would suffer even worse consequences if I complained. This has contributed to the state of my mental illness, however it is living with my father against my free will that has caused me to consider committing suicide many times. I know you don’t know me personally, and if I could send some sort of telepathic motion picture with all of the things I have gone through for you to see as proof I would, if you believe in god, then I plead him to strike me down right now if I am lying when I say, my father is an abusive, extremely manipulative, controlling and nasty person. Just like my high school bullies were, what they did was not just teasing, it got physical at times and teachers saw and did nothing. It was pure malice. 



My father has belittled me in front of others since I was born, he has always put me down either because I was too quiet, or because I wasn’t “man enough” in his own words, or because I simply did not act the way he thought was correct, I was always a very introverted person who enjoyed drawing, art was the only passion I had in life along with looking after my pet dog who is miles away from me. I have in the past stood up to him questioning why he hates and mistreats me so much, when all I do is stay in my corner and do my own thing, and why he criticizes me so much because it is causing me so much pain and has to me, my mum and sister for so many years, but since he found out I suffered from depression he has made my life even worse, he tells me on a daily basis to “kill myself if i really want to” (I have video proof of him telling me to kill myself) and says “your nothing, you’re a bloody stone in my shoe, why the fuck don’t you just disappear or die, your worthless just like your mother was, you’re not a man, you’re a coward, walking away from me when I am confronting you, you are not capable of living, you know what, fuck you! I hope you do kill yourself, you wouldn’t be able to survive if it wasn’t for me, remember who buys food for this house?” he has grabbed my arm whenever he has turned psychotic over minimal things such as “why haven’t you finished eating yet?” or “why the fuck do you look so sad, do you think I want people to see you’re not right in the head” .

The other day he grabbed my arm and pulled me towards him, then forced me to clean a few tiles on the floor that had foot-marks, so i did as he said, got a washcloth and wiped each of those tiles, then whilst standing over me he said "that one isn't clean enough, do it again!" then "again, i want the whole title clean" then "that one has too much water" followed by "now that one has water, clean the one next to it so they look the same" "again your not doing it right,  dont forget you will also be doing the washing up, want to  know why? because you left the bin open ahah" he said with a malicious smile on his face, with stress i threw the cloth and he smiled saying "i like your attitude, whenever there is something that needs to be cleaned, you will do it, if your not happy you know where the door is, i can end your life with the snap of a finger boy"

 Since I was born in 1995 he has never worked and mostly only cares about money and dominance, whilst I was on my last year of university (from September 2017 – July 2018) he told some neighbors that he was so proud to have his son studying,  and yet belittle me for not having a drivers license yet or not having had a graduation party, example "this one ride a bike? bahah he can barely walk on his own" and he would go mad at me for being online too late finishing university group work that other students didn’t even contribute to, people in university knew that I lived with an abusive father and that I had a hard time in high school because I was verbal about it to a certain degree and they started looking at me as if I was a disease, some even maliciously laughed when I would enter the classroom or present work, they judged me without even really getting to know me. I was once again…the odd one out.

My father tells everyone he pays for so much and works so hard, when someone asks why he doesn’t have an actual job he says “because of back problems and leg pains” it is a LIE, he is a hunter and has around three very large guns in the house that make me extra fearful of my safety living with someone of his character. He has been claiming benefits that pay him 300 euros a month, which was for both myself and him for food and to pay the bills… some of the money he spent on furniture and tones of clothes for himself. 

Below is an image, of his back for privacy reasons, of my father purchasing a phone online (he claims benefits due to not having enough cash to survive without them and yet he uses most of the money to buy things online he doesn't need) 


He has tried to kick me out of his house numerous times, most recently last week after saying he was ashamed i was his son and that i was the most laziest thing on earth, even though he doesn't work and i with depression and at least trying to by working a job i hardly receive any cash for because the social security as soon as i start working, cut his benefits and he forces me to pay for everything so basically i am working and paying for him to do absolutely nothing but enjoy abusing and mistreating me, last week he threatened to hit me if i did not hand him my phone, he then grabbed my phone and disabled the wifi so i could not contact my mother or anyone 

two years ago when I slipped in the bathroom and cut my finger (I post three photos underneath from that occurrence to show you all) if you met me in person you would see the scar on my finger) there was loads of blood everywhere, he blocked the bathroom door for about 10 minutes whilst saying "what the fuck did you do? your so fucking stupid, you stupid git, there,s blood all over my bathroom floor, are you fucking mental? dont you know how to have a bath properly", then grabbed me by my arm, dragged me to the kitchen and forcefully tried to treat my fingers cut himself, so I wouldn’t cost him any money by going to a hospital.
He complains about everything and threatens me on a weekly basis, if not daily. He makes me feel worthless because even people on the street I do not know sometimes go up to me and say "yo can you gimme a cigarette" I do not even smoke, he says they speak to me because I walk with my head down and look weak, I know I am weak I dont need people to tell me, I just want to be left alone!.

He always affirms “this is my house boy, you do whatever the fuck I say or I will destroy you, I can make your life hell sunshine” he has seen me in a flood of tears numerous times and when I said “why don’t you just leave me alone, your killing me” he manipulatively acts by responding “and your killing me because you don’t know how to be human, you’re not right in the head” he has tampered with my anti-depressants medication before, which had forced me for the month of November 2018 to stop taking them altogether, now I am on them again and I do assure you that I can and always have been able to see the truth and see things clearly for what they are, that is why I am in so much emotional pain, I hardly eat because I am a slave at work all day just to make enough to survive if I am lucky and I am working without a contract so my boss can do whatever he likes at any moment in time, but I accepted this job because I am beyond desperate to leave my dads house however social security said I will not be able to financially, and I can’t sleep properly most days because I feel trapped inside my own body by both this man and the memories I have of my past bullies and if I may add "present" ones because in the country I now live in, I am treated differently on purpose. My chest regularly hurts and I am scared to die of a heart attack without having ever even lived. I can’t walk one step out of line in fear he will snap and cause me more grief or worse but he snaps anyway on most days... what if he definitely kicks me out and sends me to my mothers, my mother lives in the little town where I was, with no exaggeration on the word, HEAVILY bullied, ridiculed, and abused. It would end me. I rather commit suicide than live there ever again. 

Once I graduated from university, he contacted social workers and forced me to get a job immediately, which I knew I had to do but I wasn’t ready to straight away rush everything, because I feel drained and dealing with people in the country I am in is hard because most of them are intrusive and loud, I thought I had the free right to be quiet and just get on with my work, I am kind and very polite but dont like being forced or confronted by misused authority that comes from mean individuals. 

When I got my first job (now old job) in September as soon as I started working he stopped receiving the 300 euros (I had to communicate I was working to social workers so they would cut the cash he got) because my salary was above the minimum wage in the country at that time, he then angrily threatened me, saying I would have to pay for everything! I automatically saw a pattern happening, I would be working and be forced directly by both him and the social workers, to use the money I would earn to pay for every single thing, All of the bills,  it would have just escalated into even more manipulation and psychological abuse,  he made up as many excuses as he could to make me pay him more, I ended up paying him 335 euros, well I ended up getting fired after a month because I genuinely couldn’t put up with both the mental angst of living with him and known of this blatant manipulation that the social workers KNEW 100% about and at work having people be so strict on me, and take advantage of the fact I was bullied before, which people in the country I now live in do a lot to me. 

I kept making mistakes at work, and others did also, but because they were natives and because they were "part of the others social group" and go out drinking and smoking with them, their mistakes were disregarded, I am very reserved and polite and always said "thank you" whenever I was given any help or work criticism but it is hard living where I live, because hardly anything makes sense let alone is professional, people do not have any respect for introverted people or outsiders like myself unless they are loud and like to drink a lot, people where I live, and I am only speaking from my 10 year experience living here based on how I am treated, (in general, not all people but 90% I have encountered) only befriend people they can benefit socially or economically from, they use each other and are gossips.. I, I have no interest in gossiping, in wasting time at work or when I was in school talking about others, I care about the world as a whole or did, and I focus on my work so I can try to have a decent life but it has been the complete opposite, I for saw being fired from my job, but as I was pushed by my father and social workers to get a job and because I dont have the financial possibilities to move back to my home country, all I want to do is move out of my dads and get the correct medical attention, I am back on my antidepressants and I have been to the hospital to speak to psychiatrists 4 times in the space of 4 months and even they are like "well your pretty much screwed living with your dad" no one cares.

I went to the social workers, so many times and they have seen me in tears, saying I want to end my life, they saw me completely distraught, and what did they do? they called my father in also and he just offended me in front of them, sometimes I feel stalked by them and those who know of my situation, because they know exactly what I am going through, at least from an outsiders perspective, and all they do is want me to get a job, knowing all the money i make would go to paying bills for my horrible father while he does nothing, and every so often they or social security charge my dad cash (I am 23, i dont understand these situations and i ask for them to explain and still dont, i have been thrown into his crazy financial mess by himself and the social workers without me even wanting to and it NOT being my business) I've cut my arms in the past but I didn’t want to. I did it to grasp something because I felt like I was losing control and it was all up to the way I have and am being treated, I just want to be free, I am 23 years old and feel as if I have never been allowed to breathe.

I have no idea how on earth my body hasn’t caved in and I haven’t died of a heart attack, because my chest constantly hurts with stress, my eyes are swollen with tears and my soul is completely empty inside, I feel as if the world has rejected me and let me down. People at work knew of my father’s abuse and did nothing, the social workers do nothing except annoy me,  I walk around this city getting paperwork and having to get condescending messages from numerous entities that might as well be as malicious as my dad. He has tried manipulating me at the beginning of last month, to give him access to my bank account through another card (so he would go with me in person to the bank and request a card with my consent) in his words “in case anything happens and you aren’t able to access your account” but it was a massive lie, he said it so he could enter my account and remove all the cash, whenever and however he wants, so I adamantly said no, and I will NOT allow that ever to happen… this caused him to get even more angry. I will die before that ever happens

I know I cannot speak to the police, and they were called once, please dont tell me to because I dont feel comfortable talking to them either, they would judge me, and would NOT help me, as I know they would do nothing, its MY RIGHT not to push myself over the edge by getting them involved, also as I am not being beaten or sexually abused my mental health and verbal psychological abuse would not be seen as important, plus it came from lots of places not just my dad,  not to mention i told my father i wanted to kill myself because of him directly to his face and he went and called the police came that time and it was just such a mess, i had the emergency people come into my bedroom, invade my personal space, even though their intentions werent bad, the underlining issue here is my dad,, no one does anything, and i got to the point where i really dont want them to, i just want to BE FREE from him by having enough cash to move out!!

I just want to be able to distance myself from him, my father has said years ago if me or anyone called the police on him, he would get revenge one way or another,  I truly believe this to be true, I grew up watching cartoons with superheroes vanquishing evil, but in reality all I see is evil winning, evil getting away with tormenting me and others like me on the news, but I dont want to kill myself and be another sad statistic but for me being alive is a punishment, I only see freedom in death due to my lack of options and controlling humans around me, and I feel so emotionally bruised I do not even feel well enough to leave my house sometimes but then I am stuck with him. The rest of my family have given up on me, except my mother but she lives very far in the town i was bullied in and she is sick, in the UK my mother worked in a hospital she actually did something and she was married to this monster that threatened her, my sister and myself, he is racist, sexism, homophobic, the whole lot but that behavior is deemed somewhat fine here, my mother is a good woman and she has been subject to all of this, how is this fair?? I never hurt anyone and my life has been taken away from me almost completely, how is this fair??

my father only agreed to divorce her in around 2012 because she gave him over 10 thousand, so now she is barely able to spend cash whenever me or my sister come over for christmas, she doesn't say it but I know my mum misses meals because she has to pay bills, she doesn't get medication when she needs it because of the bloody bills, I gave her 200 last christmas from what i earned from my old job just so she could get by a bit but now what?? I know all of this because I used to live with her, she has looked for jobs also but due to her age here they disregard her too, and as for my family in general none of them get along with my father with the exception of an uncle who doesn’t know the real him. So my father just claims benefits for doing nothing but offends and hurts me and having hurt my mother, having controlled her freedom for years in the past, but my mum that worked, me who tried to just live a peaceful life we have to go through financial struggle??? where on earth does this make sense? I was told from an early age in primary school "all kids must be kind and friendly to people" people haven't been friendly to me but they are NOT reprimanded, so who is running the earth?!?

What really hurts me even more is that on top of all of this nonsense of a life I have, of my dad’s brothers, who is my godfather, he knows of the abuse and he told me via message “just keep going through it, it will help you in the long run” ...HOW??? It is VERY hard for me to open up about everything that has happened to me, and I have to social-workers, I have been to the emergency room 4 times in around 4 months, all 4 times suicidal, asking for help by psychologists, the truth is they just want me to take more and stronger doses of medication, but that is NOT the SOLUTION I know it and so do they! as I am sure whoever is reading this will understand that the solution is removing myself for this house, and as a final resort I have decided before fully giving up on myself to ask the world, for help here on gofundme, 

I dont know for certain what would be a decent amount to ask for, so I am asking for around 5 thousand euros because rent is usually very high alone from what I have seen online, and I just want to be able to be away from my father, and maybe ultimately move to England where I was born and raised until age 12, or else what life do I have? I have no life, I don’t want to reach say 30 if I am lucky enough and look back and see how much I lost, because I lost my teen years, I lost most of my childhood, I don’t want to lose anymore, I want to feel safe, I want to feel free. From other people all I have been told is to “just put up with it” or “man up, everyone has issues” but this is serious. I never caused any of this, I have tried so, so hard to stay alive but I do need help and there is no worse feeling than you knowing those who should give you aid, will not because they are either too busy or because they simply do not care. I have a degree, I am not stupid however I do truly believe I am seen as a  rejection of society and I dont fully understand why ? Other than, because I am not loud? because I dont like to laugh at others mishaps or go out partying all the time or pay for things for others when i cant even for myself? When I was 11 I remember crying in my bed, telling myself "my father had to go, he was pure evil" it was the beginning of my destruction and I feel completely lost because deep down, kindness and respect are known as human attributes, but I question why have I been harassed and hurt so much? am I not human?

I genuinely ask for your help, ONLY if you wish to, and any donation for me means more than you know, any form of genuine support means the world to me because I am completely alone and I’ve been crying and shaking whilst typing this, the image I post is of my eye crying because of my anxiety I am scared to show my face, I dont even feel comfortable walking down the street a lot of the time and yet I have been forced to throughout life, but I don’t want to be scared anymore, I want to be able to me myself, I want a chance, this is my final chance at having a life.  I would also use the money not only to move out and for my medical bills and treatment regarding anti depressants and pay for psychiatrist bills but to help my mother, because she is in her late 50s and HER FREEDOM has been reduced to living with financial struggles, I am beyond stressed to know my mothers life has been similar to this.

Thank you for reading.



I have been to the hospital to psychiatrists, to social security, everyone doesnt care and whatever job money I get which would be below minimum wage goes to MY FATHER, money that is given to be outside of work (meaning gofundme cash) doesnt apply, if there were churches or housing for people that suffer domestic violence id go straight away instead of asking online for help, this truly is my final resort. In Portugal there are only homes for women that are beaten...


Summary of my life

1 - Bullied mildly in childhood for being shy 

2 - Heavily bullied in high school in absolutely awful ways that almost landed caused me to commit suicide, when I asked teachers for help, it got much worse, I was beyond exposed and mistreated, whilst this happened my parents had a really difficult divorce.

3 - Left that abuse, VERY SCARRED emotionally and mentally, ended up living in my fathers house (which is where I am now) and taking anti depressants since late 2015 . 

4 - Cant go to back to my home country because i dont have enough cash. So forcefully tried to stay a little bit more in this one to make more money but I am suffering beyond belief.

5 - Do not feel mentally strong enough, but pushed myself against my will in September to get a job, by early November due to stress both at work and at home, knowing my father would end up making me pay for everything, so basically i would have been working for him to just get me to pay the bills fully and him have a life of luxury whilst i am wasting away more than I already feel empty and dead inside, I ended up making mistakes that caused me to be fired.  Although people at work took advantage of my kind and quiet nature and treated me differently.

6 - This is where I am now... see a pattern? perhaps you see one better than I see one, its just disaster after disaster, I am here, again as I mentioned, as a final restore to try and build some sort of life for myself and hopefully return to my home country because I want to be myself and not be around anymore abusive, malicious, monstrous, demented people which is what I have been forcefully subjected to. I was born and raised in a very liberal and open-minded country then I moved to a conservation, unethical, unprofessional, socially intrusive and unapologetic one. I will never get my childhood or teen years back, a little less than half of my "young adult" life has gone also, I want to at least have a few years of peace before I leave a world that I feel has always rejected and targeted me. A world I never felt a part of.