Stillbirth awareness
Donation protected
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10156002044676452&id=690171451
Want to wish my beautiful little girl a happy 3rd heavenly birthday, today I should be giving you your presents but instead i am giving you flowers I love you very very much and miss you millions, always in my heart gorgeous mummy loves you more than you could imagine ♥️
11-11-2015 The day I was honoured to meet you and the day the Angels took you
Please feel free to share
This is the story, the story that people always ask "what happened?" The story people only hear parts of this is the story of my angel.
The reason behind me sharing this is because stillbirth is a subject many people don't really talk about as it's classed as a "taboo" subject, some people just can't physically talk about what happened where others like me find comfort in doing so, when I lost my little Katie-Rae for months I was walking round in a numb state people either avoided me because they didn't know what to say or people gathered me, either way I was the same as everyone else, i didn't know what to say or what to do, i wanted to wake up and find out it hadn't really happened, it's one of them things you never think will happen to you (and believe me I hope it never does) i had dreamt of the day I would welcome my girl into the world all happy and smiles but it never ended that way.
I was 35+1 week pregnant when I thought I had gone into labour to find out my placenta abrupted with full seperation, the moment when I was led on the bed all alone at 1.40pm I had to hear them dreaded words "I'm sorry" which crumbled me. I was 4cm dilated and had no option but to deliver naturally, for the rest of the day I had to go through the contractions knowing the heartbreak was coming, i was on that many drugs for pain etc, I was in and out of it (although I was still awake if that makes sense my eyes would shut because I couldn't physically keep them open but I wasn't asleep) At 6.20pm they broke my waters and at 6.41pm that night I delivered my sweet little girl myself whilst I was sitting on the toilet, I caught my baby in my hands, I was in shock! my baby didn't cry (I already knew that but didn't want to believe it) I was holding someone so perfect yet so lifeless, why couldn't I cry? I kept asking myself why? I had no emotion i just shut off, I couldn't do anything..(was the drugs) hours later when all was wearing off it hit me..I uncontrollably cried and cried and cried, I screamed, i shouted, I would hold my baby then get them to take her back then hold her again I wanted her to breathe but she didn't..my heart couldn't handle it..i was really ill my body was shutting down, I had alot of infections I had to fight to get myself better I had no energy but I couldn't give up, i was catheterised, medicated and had two blood transfusions, I kept getting told I needed to sleep and I was offered sleeping tablets but I refused to take them, I refused to sleep, I would not sleep away my only time with my girl, I had memories I had to make , I was sat there with my baby when people came to talk about planning i had to start planning a funeral, for a baby I was holding, a funeral for my baby! That's not something I should have been doing I am meant to go before her right? I spent day after day by her side in the chapel of rest watching my girl slowly deteriorate but she was still my perfect girl..i kept sitting with her holding her, kissing and cuddling, taking in everything about her every little detail, I kept wanting to pick her up and run , run away so they couldn't take her away from me I wasn't ready. l wanted the best for her so did everything I could to make her funeral special..
The after math..
I had to do alot of pretending I had to go home with out my girl I was absolutely distraught then I had to take a deep breath and open the door and be mummy to my other 2 girls as they needed me to.
I felt like I had let everyone down, I felt like I had deprived the family of a sister/ grandaughter / neice etc
I went into depression but I wouldn't admit it I didn't want to be medicated I didn't want to forget I wanted to remember everything, I felt like my body was meant to protect my baby and my body failed her everything went through my head, I wouldnt admit being defeated by my emotion.
It took me months to finally take my self to the doctor to be diagnosed..i have been to anger management, Counseling, CBT, had EMDR and still have CBT now , Ive recently been diagnosed by a physciatrist with moderate to severe PTSD and an abnormal grief reaction and I'm not embarrassed to say so. (None of this makes me any less of a mum to my other girls as I'm a great mum to them they keep me going they are the reason I am who I am now and I am where I am now with out them I'd be lost).
I have never not spoke about my baby she is apart of me just like my other children, and aslong as I'm alive her memory will be to.
Talking about Katie-Rae for me isn't about sympathy as I'm not after your sympathy, your sympathy will not bring my girl back, I talk about her because it allows other people to see they are not alone..if you want to talk about your baby you talk about your baby, don't let anyone make you feel guilty for doing so..sometimes people just need to find the one person they feel comfortable enough to open up to, not everyone grieves the same way..it's not something " I will get over" my girl will be with me always.
The reason for this song is I didn't know how process the whole situation I would have good days and bad days but I could never find a way to settle me once anxiety kicked in..I needed some release and for me this was my way of release this is my way of hopefully helping someone else, this is my way of letting each and everyone of you know im with you, and I'm only ever an inbox away..this is me saying I understand..and hopefully allow people to firstly understand what it's like for parents who have lost a baby, secondly allow parents to come together knowing there not alone, and finally get stillbirth awareness known...
My words my friends voice x
The song will be available to purchase on iTunes once all checks been authorised and will put link up once done..there are CDs available in the meantime £3 or £4 posted if anyone would like a copy or just to make a donation all funds raised go to stillbirth in Katie-Raes memory
Please feel free to share
PayPal address Katie-[email redacted]
Due to this being for a fundraising cause if pay by PayPal please select friends and family thank you x
Want to wish my beautiful little girl a happy 3rd heavenly birthday, today I should be giving you your presents but instead i am giving you flowers I love you very very much and miss you millions, always in my heart gorgeous mummy loves you more than you could imagine ♥️
11-11-2015 The day I was honoured to meet you and the day the Angels took you
Please feel free to share
This is the story, the story that people always ask "what happened?" The story people only hear parts of this is the story of my angel.
The reason behind me sharing this is because stillbirth is a subject many people don't really talk about as it's classed as a "taboo" subject, some people just can't physically talk about what happened where others like me find comfort in doing so, when I lost my little Katie-Rae for months I was walking round in a numb state people either avoided me because they didn't know what to say or people gathered me, either way I was the same as everyone else, i didn't know what to say or what to do, i wanted to wake up and find out it hadn't really happened, it's one of them things you never think will happen to you (and believe me I hope it never does) i had dreamt of the day I would welcome my girl into the world all happy and smiles but it never ended that way.
I was 35+1 week pregnant when I thought I had gone into labour to find out my placenta abrupted with full seperation, the moment when I was led on the bed all alone at 1.40pm I had to hear them dreaded words "I'm sorry" which crumbled me. I was 4cm dilated and had no option but to deliver naturally, for the rest of the day I had to go through the contractions knowing the heartbreak was coming, i was on that many drugs for pain etc, I was in and out of it (although I was still awake if that makes sense my eyes would shut because I couldn't physically keep them open but I wasn't asleep) At 6.20pm they broke my waters and at 6.41pm that night I delivered my sweet little girl myself whilst I was sitting on the toilet, I caught my baby in my hands, I was in shock! my baby didn't cry (I already knew that but didn't want to believe it) I was holding someone so perfect yet so lifeless, why couldn't I cry? I kept asking myself why? I had no emotion i just shut off, I couldn't do anything..(was the drugs) hours later when all was wearing off it hit me..I uncontrollably cried and cried and cried, I screamed, i shouted, I would hold my baby then get them to take her back then hold her again I wanted her to breathe but she didn't..my heart couldn't handle it..i was really ill my body was shutting down, I had alot of infections I had to fight to get myself better I had no energy but I couldn't give up, i was catheterised, medicated and had two blood transfusions, I kept getting told I needed to sleep and I was offered sleeping tablets but I refused to take them, I refused to sleep, I would not sleep away my only time with my girl, I had memories I had to make , I was sat there with my baby when people came to talk about planning i had to start planning a funeral, for a baby I was holding, a funeral for my baby! That's not something I should have been doing I am meant to go before her right? I spent day after day by her side in the chapel of rest watching my girl slowly deteriorate but she was still my perfect girl..i kept sitting with her holding her, kissing and cuddling, taking in everything about her every little detail, I kept wanting to pick her up and run , run away so they couldn't take her away from me I wasn't ready. l wanted the best for her so did everything I could to make her funeral special..
The after math..
I had to do alot of pretending I had to go home with out my girl I was absolutely distraught then I had to take a deep breath and open the door and be mummy to my other 2 girls as they needed me to.
I felt like I had let everyone down, I felt like I had deprived the family of a sister/ grandaughter / neice etc
I went into depression but I wouldn't admit it I didn't want to be medicated I didn't want to forget I wanted to remember everything, I felt like my body was meant to protect my baby and my body failed her everything went through my head, I wouldnt admit being defeated by my emotion.
It took me months to finally take my self to the doctor to be diagnosed..i have been to anger management, Counseling, CBT, had EMDR and still have CBT now , Ive recently been diagnosed by a physciatrist with moderate to severe PTSD and an abnormal grief reaction and I'm not embarrassed to say so. (None of this makes me any less of a mum to my other girls as I'm a great mum to them they keep me going they are the reason I am who I am now and I am where I am now with out them I'd be lost).
I have never not spoke about my baby she is apart of me just like my other children, and aslong as I'm alive her memory will be to.
Talking about Katie-Rae for me isn't about sympathy as I'm not after your sympathy, your sympathy will not bring my girl back, I talk about her because it allows other people to see they are not alone..if you want to talk about your baby you talk about your baby, don't let anyone make you feel guilty for doing so..sometimes people just need to find the one person they feel comfortable enough to open up to, not everyone grieves the same way..it's not something " I will get over" my girl will be with me always.
The reason for this song is I didn't know how process the whole situation I would have good days and bad days but I could never find a way to settle me once anxiety kicked in..I needed some release and for me this was my way of release this is my way of hopefully helping someone else, this is my way of letting each and everyone of you know im with you, and I'm only ever an inbox away..this is me saying I understand..and hopefully allow people to firstly understand what it's like for parents who have lost a baby, secondly allow parents to come together knowing there not alone, and finally get stillbirth awareness known...
My words my friends voice x
The song will be available to purchase on iTunes once all checks been authorised and will put link up once done..there are CDs available in the meantime £3 or £4 posted if anyone would like a copy or just to make a donation all funds raised go to stillbirth in Katie-Raes memory
Please feel free to share
PayPal address Katie-[email redacted]
Due to this being for a fundraising cause if pay by PayPal please select friends and family thank you x
Organizer
Amy Payne
Organizer
