Dreams of Mommyhood Fund

Growing up, when other girls were dreaming of travel and rock stars, I fantasized about a white picket fence and babies running through the yard.  I had magazine cut outs of wedding dresses and baby pictures taped on the wall next to the bunk beds that I shared with my younger sister.  I went to career day, dressed in overalls and pigtails pushing a stroller. (Unfortunately- overalls stayed in my wardrobe for several years after that, which is somewhat embarrassing.)  My parents had their "Whoopsie Baby" when I was a freshman in college, and watching that little potato head come into this world was the most incredible moment of my life.  We all had a hand in raising her, and it taught me that it truly does take a village to raise a child.  So, why am I here?  How is it possible to be 41 and not experience the joy of motherhood yet?  I wish I had one answer.  I could say that being 20 and doing midnight feedings with my mother taught me that I needed to experience life.  So I traveled the country, found 2 amazing careers, and built up an incredible support system and extended family.  I became "Aunt Michelle" to countless kids whom were not related by blood.  I could also say that I had dreams of the perfect family, but did not meet Mr, Right at the right time, and realized that settling for someone who is ultimately not the right person for me, was setting myself and my potential family up to fail.  And then there was the fear.  The fear that people would judge me, that fear of the unknown.

The reality is, I have dreamed of being a mother, and have nurtured the people in my world for my entire life.  My goal has always been to be a cheerleader for those around me and be present and in the moment.   I have never had a fear of birthdays or aging.  My smile lines are the road maps to my experiences, but there it was, last year on my 40th birthday.  The obnoxious bongs of my biological clock.  It was time to take a hold of the reigns and make my dreams come to fruition.  I made an appointment and found that I was a great candidate for fertility treatments.  You always hear about the financial burdens of fertility, but once you get into the nitty-gritty, its overwhelming and shocking.  I did everything I could to make this happen, and saved to go through my first round. (My insurance company covers fertiltiy treatment at 100% for straight and gay couples, but do not for single women.)  I tried, it failed.  I was devastated, but the nurse told me that it rarely works the first time. (Can I get a discount, then?!!)  I have been saving since, but my timeline is shrinking daily, and another birthday passed by this month.  That tick tock in my ear keeps me awake at night, and I realized yesterday, that I have to be vulnerable and ask for help.  It is going outside of my comfort zone to do so, but as I said earlier, it takes a village.  I am asking for my village to help me create a child.

*****Update:  After 3 failed IUIs, I am more dedicated than ever to build my own little family.  I have decided to move on to IVF, which is $15,000.  It's a scary prospect as there are no guarantees, but in the end, I believe it is worth it.  I am also working towards being certified as a Foster Parent, and am filling out grants for Adoption.  It's a scary road, but in the end, I know that my dreams will come through in some way.  Thanks to all for your support.