WE MET OUR GOAL!
HELP KERRY AND PETER GET AN EGG!!!
Are you a kind hearted soul wanting to help your fellow man? Or maybe you're not so altruistic, but you're tired of hearing us complain about not having children? Now is your chance to help!
We are attempting to raise $5000 to buy a single egg, preferably human, which we plan to use to create a new person!
Any and all donations will be greatly appreciated, but for your generosity, we are willing to do the following:
For $100 or more, if any children are produced by the egg THAT YOU HELP TO BUY, you will always be known as AUNT or UNCLE, depending on your persuasion, whether you are related to us or not!
For donations of $500 or more, you will not only receive the AUNT or UNCLE title, but you will have an open invitation to any and all future child-centric celebrations, and you NEED NOT BRING A GIFT! ALSO, a thank you card every year, from us, on our child's birthday, forever, or until we die or you beg us to stop, whichever comes first! And lastly, if it helps even a little, I'll let you punch me in the face. Just once!
And if we make it to our $5000 goal, and if the egg does indeed produce offspring, the HIGHEST donor will have the honor of naming our baby*!
We are Kerry and Peter Timony. Kerry and I have been happily married for a total of 13 years, maybe even 14, depending on when you read this. Kerry and I live in NJ. Kerry works a 9-5 job as an Administrative Assistant, but is also an accomplished singer, dancer and actor. I work for Investors Bank, and I am also a freelance writer, mostly in comics. You can visit my website at www.twincomics.com or just Google me. Peter Timony. Hopefully you'll find something that will make you think, "That guy would make a good daddy!"
Kerry and I are so in love, it's stupid. Seriously. I'd go into details, but you might puke.
Our marriage has produced all the joys and horrors that one normally associates with marriage, all but ONE: We remain, through no fault of our own**, Childless. I would very much like to spare you the sob stories, but the harsh reality is that the pain of childlessness is one that lingers and does not ever go away. Indeed, as the years go by and hope fades, this glaring absence only becomes harder to ignore. When I see my beard getting grayer and my ears getting hairier, these are all signs that unless we do something, our time will run out.
We have looked into adoption. Adoption is a perfectly viable option, and one we may actively pursue some day. But for right now, time may be short for us, but it has not run out. We still have a little time left to produce a baby of our own, with a little help from a donor egg.*** While there are unfortunately no guarantees that it will work, it remains our best and last hope to produce a child of our own. If it doesn't work, you may see another fund-raising effort from me in the future, to the tune of $30,000. That's the low end of adoption costs, which is another reason to try the donor egg first.
*Please don't submit our child to a lifetime of abuse because their name is something stupid like Toast Nose or Caboose or something. If you insist on naming our baby something stupid, like Wind Tunnel or Temple of Doom for example, we reserve the right to use it as a middle name. The rule of thumb should be, if it sounds like an acceptable name for a race horse, try to think of something else. Thank you.
**Unless you count biologically, which I DO NOT. I don't point and laugh at your crappy genes, I beg you to do the same.
***These asterickseses mean nothing. I only put them there because Comedy comes in Threes.
This is not a work of fiction. It is for Realz. Any and all people mentioned in this thing are based entirely on either me or my wife. No animals were harmed in the making of this whattayacallit.