Ananda's Pilgrimage
Donation protected
The goal of this pilgrimage is to heal the past and do community building in Milwaukee WI.
_________________________________________________________Updated: 8/25/13
I want to be a part of something bigger than myself and have never had enough "ground" from which to do so but, I'm starting to realize that it doesn't matter how stable your life is at any given moment, you just have to dive in...that's what I'm doing here.
Through the Vipassana retreat I have come to a place of compassion for myself and others and now see that's all that is needed to get moving on the path. Now I wish to share that compassion with others...as I continue on this amazing adventure to work on community building in Milwaukee!!
___________________________________________________________
Pilgrimage Itinerary:
The Items here are listed in order of $$ priority. If I raise the money to do the next thing on the list I will proceed. Regardless of the amount of money donated I'm going to do my best to accomplish all of the goals on this list. I will officially leave Orlando on July 27th and spend the first week working on the interviews and visiting with family. Next I will be attending a 10 day vipassana retreat to cleanse and ground in my personal practice. After that I'm going to Milwaukee to build and be a part of the healing/spiritual/earth friendly communities. Not everything that I want to do costs money but I've given a basic outline of what I intend to do with my time on the pilgrimage. Someone suggested that people would be more likely to fund the trip if I went to see a guru but, I believe the real guru is inside of every one of you. Check out the movie "Kumare" to see more of what I mean by that.
What you will receive by donating:
I will be journaling daily (except during the vipassana retreat) and posting occasional updates on wordpress. At the end of this adventure I will be putting all the materials from my journal, wordpress and the interviews together into a book that will be published through Lulu.com, all those who donate to the journey will be credited in the "special thanks" portion of the book.
You will also receive one of these four items:
1. A bracelet that I create while I'm on the journey.
2. A blessed sunflower seed with a prayer for you to begin to grow your dreams.
3. A thank you postcard
4. An origami creature that I create while I'm on my journey
5. Or any of the rewards that are mentioned below.
Dates of the Trip: July 27th "“ October 15th
Travelling expenses: to and from Wisconsin and within the state $400 "“ $500
Vipassana Retreat: Donation $200
We are happy to inform you that you have been accepted to participate in the
Vipassana meditation course to be held at the Illinois Vipassana Center from
8/14/2013 to 8/25/2013.
Birth Certificate: $20
This was stolen from me when my car was stolen and not having it has caused me to miss out on a few opportunities. It can be easily and quickly re-attained by returning to the place where I was born.
Passport: $165
The passport, a card of freedom to travel to other countries. This will become important later in my travels when I visit other countries to learn, to teach, to heal, to love and to spread joy.
Community Building: $500 "“ $1000
My main goal in this trip is to build up and be a part of the healing/spiritual/earth friendly community in Milwaukee, WI. I heard from a friend that the place needed some work in this regard. It is a post industrial port city on Lake Michigan. The first portion of this goal is to do interviews with people from the area who have information about community organizing in Wisconsin (Ben, Jennifer and others as they come up) and then dive into Milwaukee, find out what is available, which resources are already in place for the people and connect them through facebook, email or newsletters of some kind. I intend to create an "intenders" group, a place where current community concerns can be brought up and unconditional love/prayer/good intentions/think tanks and problem solving can happen. The next step is to run a series of classes on various interesting topics to help create spaces where community bonds can be built. I will personally teach classes on: Meditation, Your Life's Purpose, Dreams and Dream work, Balloon Making, Unconditional Love practices, contact bostaff and origami. I will help to link others who are already working in the community to do talks and present the knowledge of their field. The very last portion of this is to support facilitators to run these groups/classes so that they can continue to build and strengthen their community.
Life Coaching Session: $90
With Angelica Georgiles. She is a profound healer and I've wanted to meet with her for a couple of years. I feel that working with her would assist in many ways on my journey.
Interview: Grandmother
History is an important thing and the elders in our community have powerful stories of how things came to be as they are now. The intention of interviewing my grandmother is to get her perspective on life. What I know of her story so far is that she lived through the post great depression era of our history and struggled to make ends meet with four children. Her and her husband started an insurance company out of their home, working day in and day out to provide for their family. Their life is a testimony to the American vision that anything is achievable here, that you can make your own opportunities and realize your dreams with a good idea and a bit of elbow grease.
Interview: Chris Minter
He is a psychology teaching at Badger High School and was the first person who turned me on to community organizing and constructive social movements. My intention in interviewing him is to present the pilgrimage idea and hear what his opinions/guidance are on the topics. He is an amazing person, it takes a lot to teach high school students AP Psychology and he does it with skill and grace.
Interview: Benjamin Pierce
Former Nottingham co-op community member, wizard and all around amazing person. The intention of interviewing him is to discover what has worked in co-operative communities and some of the things to avoid. We are going to get together and apply some creative problem solving skills to these situations, look into the potential for Milwaukee WI, the vision and what really needs to be helped in that community and also discuss some of the things that are going on in Detroit.
Interview: Jennifer Ramos
Former hitchhiker of the galaxy, free spirit, canandian and general magic maker now mother of four beautiful children. Her story has inspired all who have heard it. This woman knows how to make magic happen everywhere. She can travel the country on a dime and make friends with the most unlikely of people. Her philosophy is one of Dharma, give and receive, always have the coffee pot running at the house and connect people who may be useful to each other through warm-hearted conversation.
Interview: Jennifer McMillan
Teacher and lover of history. My intention in interviewing her is to get her perspective on Milwaukee's current needs, laws around teaching and her story. Her story is one of great success, having gone through many trials in life she has prevailed and been an incredible light to those around her.
Visit my first home:
I'm going to spend a few days on the land where my first house was located. I lived in a mobile home park from the ages of 6 months to 9 years old. A lot of things happened in that trailer park. Good things and not so good things. My intention in going there is to ground, remember, and heal the land. I will be utilizing gridwork, meditation and Thetahealing® for this process.
Interview: Mother
Our stories are our strength. My mother has been through many trials and tribulations in her life. Through it all she's somehow always managed to make lemonade out of lemons and regardless of her situation she exudes positive joy energy. Her story is an inspiration to me. It is a story of trusting in the Divine and Smiling through the tough parts. She was my first, unrecognized at the time, teacher. I catch myself repeating her morsels of wisdom often to others who are in need.
Planet Fitness Membership: $80
Its 20$ a month for the membership. Having this membership guarantees me a good work out and a shower, which can be incredibly important when you're hoofing it
. I utilized their facilities when I was living in my car in San
Francisco. I particularly enjoy their "No Judgment" Philosophy. It's a
place for people to be fit, it's not for body builders or bulkers but
for people who care about keeping their body fit. Love it! And their
purple and yellow colors are fabulous.
Room And Board: $300?
I am going to be utilizing couchsurf.org and my mad dish washing skillz for room and board. There may be nights when $$ have to be utilized for a safe place to stay. If a place is not acquired and there are funds I will get a hotel or stay in a hostel. If there are no funds I will be spending the night meditating at a 24 hour diner. (Yes, probably Denny's)
Reiki Master Certification: $650
With Jeffery Montoya.
Level I $150
Level II $150
Level III & Teacher $350
I already practice a form of Reiki that I picked up simply be being around other Reiki masters but would like to solidify the training and become a teacher so that I can share my practice officially and teach others this amazing artform.
DSM V: $125
This is going to be purchased so that I can begin working through my belief systems around the different diseases and disorders that are listed in the DSM V manual. I am going to be utilizing Thetahealing® to dig and uncover my own fears, prejudices and beliefs around each of these disorders. The purpose of doing this is to make myself a more capable healer. I will begin working with this book while I'm in Wisconsin and Continue to write updates on progress throughout my travels.
Aikido Training: $450
$150 per month.
For my travels it is a great compliment to my overall goal. This is a martial art that focuses in self defense. I want to learn this to center my energies and be able to stand strong and tall even in difficult situations. I feel that this would help me incredibly for self-control, self-confidence, teaching, public speaking and protesting. This would also require having a stable place to stay for a couple of months to complete.
Spanish Rosetta Stone: $150
This will help me on my journey in crossing language boundaries. This will be the first of several languages that I would like to learn in order to travel the world and teach classes in different languages.
"”"”-
I thank you all for your support! I am incredibly excited to start this adventure. There have been so many blessings already since I made the first post, I am filled with an overwhelming sense of gratitude for all those who have been supportive through kind words, prayers and $$.
May the blessing be returned to you 100 fold.
Love & Light
-Ananda
------------------------------
------------------------------
The Story Leading Up to the Pilgrimage:
Begin: June 13, 2013
Current Music: Lindsey Stirling - Crystallize
So appropriate for how I feel in this moment. Another peak on the journey that I've been traveling on since November 15th 2010. Why is this a peak? What journey? It is my journey of spiritual awakening and healing. On that day, etched in my mind, I made a declaration to my dark closet. At the time I was daily downing two vicodin a day and washing it down with a 1/2 bottle of yukon jack. That wasn't the worst of what I'd done to myself. I was on a path of self-destruction the previous two years had been the most intense, alcohol every day all the time always accompanied with some kind of pain killer, or anything i could get my hands on. If i couldn't find a pill I'd start downing i-buprophen. Every time I went to the bottle I felt a de ja vous, wondering "Did I just do this a few minutes ago, or was that yesterday?" I was experiencing great unconscious pain at it was completely hidden to the outside world. I was after all a 4.0 student, a tutor and assistant teacher. While being the perfect citizen during the day at night trying to numb my existence.
What declaration did I make? Well through a coincidental course of events I became enlightened to the idea that all who engage in the destructive behaviors that I called "friends" were hiding something from themselves. I made a promise to myself and in my naive machismo strength quit everything that was harmful to me. (unrefined sugars, gluten, alchol, caffine, smoking, pills and substances of any kind) Standing in the middle of the living room of my dream apartment with the dream colors and everything in it's perfectly set place (zen style the way I like it) I screamed "I want to know what I've been hiding. Show yourself to me!!!"
And it did. It destroyed me. I saw unspeakable hurts that were done to my body. I was broken. Everything in my life fell apart. The dream apartment was lost, the relationship I was in ended and I was set on my path of healing, to face what had been done to me and what I had done to myself. Stubborn as I am I faced all of this alone. I wanted to face it alone because of the overwhelming sense of shame and self-loathing. I didn't want to hurt anyone else. I didn't trust myself. The emotions that I felt were strong and overpowering. I spent the next six months semi-homeless living in my car in San Francisco. Still sticking to my promise, I did not ingest any substances that were harmful to me.
Every day I woke up feeling like I didn't deserve a home. I put on a tough face and went to school. I still managed to get a 4.0 My spine came completely out of alignment. I suffered malnutrition, paranoia, all ranges of bodily pains, dehydration. I cried a lot and then I met my mind.
It happened on one sunny afternoon, the wind was blowing gently in the trees next to Alamo Square and I realized that I was alone. There was no one else around and I was doing this to myself. I was the one who was saying these things to myself. I was punishing myself. I was hurting me.
It was a pivotal moment in the process. There was an opening between the clouds which quickly closed in on itself. I had it and then it was snatched away from me by the negativity. Something happened, something profound and I wanted that. I practiced getting there to that space where I could quiet the demons in my mind. I fell down a lot, every day. I got back up and tried again.
To help with the spinal alignment I started imagining that I was in a hottub before I went to sleep. Then I would awake limber and ready for the day.
Malnutrition still plagued me. It was hard to keep any foods that were helpful in the car. I was limited to bread, nuts, chips and water.
The thoughts of self-loathing and undeserving plagued me in great force every few days sending me into a spiraling depression.
I kept on reaching out for what little peace I had found. I Created the "Love Poems" and "Japanese Dance" music collection. It was getting easier to stay happier on a day to day basis. I thought things were going great but, the conclusion of that time was just as traumatic as the process itself. Late one night, about 1am and I was return to my car "Turtle" for sleep. As I approached the space something felt off. It wasn't where I left it. My car, along with everything I owned had been stolen.
I yelled to the sky, "Do you think this will stop me?! Ha! You can't stop me."
I did not cry at the loss. I walked away and found uncomfortable places but safe places to sleep until I garnered a flight back home....Wisconsin.
In Wisconsin I was greeted with surprise. My family when I was younger thought me to be a "Bad girl" who "Behaved badly" and it drove a wedge between us. I was an outsider. They couldn't see through to the hurt that I was feeling because they were so hurt by the way I was acting toward them.
The time spent there was a difficult lesson in putting myself aside for the beliefs and feelings of those around me. I was asked to prove myself a person of integrity and a worthy member of the family. I still suffered silently hoping they would not kick me out of their homes because I had nowhere else to go at the time.
When I had enough money saved up I signed up for Thetahealing
courses in "Intuitive Anatomy" and "DNA 3". Originally I had wanted to go and learn and then come back to write a book about my experience and what I had learned in class. I proposed this idea to my mother, staying at her house while I wrote the book, and the response she gave me was a vehement "You should just stay in Orlando." It broke my heart. I had just spent the last 9 months working on relationships with my family and felt that they would be there for me.
But I knew that I could do this. I could start over and face the world alone again. I left with just barely enough money to pay a first months rent at a new place ($400). I supposed that through some divine grace I might be spared living on the streets. I was spared that circumstance and was grateful but, the place I ended up in was filthy, moldy, un-airconditioned and at times had no running water.
This brings us to 2012, the year of my most profound lessons. In this year I was fired from two jobs, had my bike stolen, experienced the most tumultuous relationship I've ever been in and nearly went blind from a massive eye infection.
It wasn't until March of 2013 when I found my bottom. I declared a moratorium. I began cutting lose all unsavory relationships, all obligations and removing the darker parts of myself. I began to let go of regret, self-loating, neglect and lack of trust. These are all topics of the "Death is a Transformation" poetry series. I started a harsh cleansing process and put myself into an incredibly painful and exhilarating healing process.
Now for the Peak.
Every leap of faith has a soft landing. So I leaped over myself. I faced great fears of abandonment, loss, not having a home and not belonging with the same stubborn resolve of my original declaration. What I received was an overwhelming abundance of love from those around me. Also a home, good food, a beautiful relationship and something I had not truly felt for the entirety of my arduous 31 years, love.
Even though I've been on this Journey for years I feel like this is the first true step. With this basis of love I feel that I am capable of truly healing. I desire to enter on a pilgrimage to tell of this wild adventure and thank all those whom I have known along the way for their incredible patience with me and the lessons that I still learn from them. I will begin my journey in the Orlando area and the first major trip on my journey is back home, Wisconsin. After that I will travel to San Francisco and continue on. The ultimate goal of this journey is to "See the whole world to see the world whole"
The funds will go to travel expenses and other bare necessities that are required for this trip.
I am keeping a blog of my adventures and lessons so that others who weren't directly involved may also heal from hearing the story.
You can follow me here: anandawalker.wordpress.com
I appreciate all your love and support! It means the world to me. I know now that we are all in this together. We are meant to help each other and to be there for each other through our trials and our joys.
---------
_________________________________________________________Updated: 8/25/13
I want to be a part of something bigger than myself and have never had enough "ground" from which to do so but, I'm starting to realize that it doesn't matter how stable your life is at any given moment, you just have to dive in...that's what I'm doing here.
Through the Vipassana retreat I have come to a place of compassion for myself and others and now see that's all that is needed to get moving on the path. Now I wish to share that compassion with others...as I continue on this amazing adventure to work on community building in Milwaukee!!
___________________________________________________________
Pilgrimage Itinerary:
The Items here are listed in order of $$ priority. If I raise the money to do the next thing on the list I will proceed. Regardless of the amount of money donated I'm going to do my best to accomplish all of the goals on this list. I will officially leave Orlando on July 27th and spend the first week working on the interviews and visiting with family. Next I will be attending a 10 day vipassana retreat to cleanse and ground in my personal practice. After that I'm going to Milwaukee to build and be a part of the healing/spiritual/earth friendly communities. Not everything that I want to do costs money but I've given a basic outline of what I intend to do with my time on the pilgrimage. Someone suggested that people would be more likely to fund the trip if I went to see a guru but, I believe the real guru is inside of every one of you. Check out the movie "Kumare" to see more of what I mean by that.
What you will receive by donating:
I will be journaling daily (except during the vipassana retreat) and posting occasional updates on wordpress. At the end of this adventure I will be putting all the materials from my journal, wordpress and the interviews together into a book that will be published through Lulu.com, all those who donate to the journey will be credited in the "special thanks" portion of the book.
You will also receive one of these four items:
1. A bracelet that I create while I'm on the journey.
2. A blessed sunflower seed with a prayer for you to begin to grow your dreams.
3. A thank you postcard
4. An origami creature that I create while I'm on my journey
5. Or any of the rewards that are mentioned below.
Dates of the Trip: July 27th "“ October 15th
Travelling expenses: to and from Wisconsin and within the state $400 "“ $500
Vipassana Retreat: Donation $200
We are happy to inform you that you have been accepted to participate in the
Vipassana meditation course to be held at the Illinois Vipassana Center from
8/14/2013 to 8/25/2013.
Birth Certificate: $20
This was stolen from me when my car was stolen and not having it has caused me to miss out on a few opportunities. It can be easily and quickly re-attained by returning to the place where I was born.
Passport: $165
The passport, a card of freedom to travel to other countries. This will become important later in my travels when I visit other countries to learn, to teach, to heal, to love and to spread joy.
Community Building: $500 "“ $1000
My main goal in this trip is to build up and be a part of the healing/spiritual/earth friendly community in Milwaukee, WI. I heard from a friend that the place needed some work in this regard. It is a post industrial port city on Lake Michigan. The first portion of this goal is to do interviews with people from the area who have information about community organizing in Wisconsin (Ben, Jennifer and others as they come up) and then dive into Milwaukee, find out what is available, which resources are already in place for the people and connect them through facebook, email or newsletters of some kind. I intend to create an "intenders" group, a place where current community concerns can be brought up and unconditional love/prayer/good intentions/think tanks and problem solving can happen. The next step is to run a series of classes on various interesting topics to help create spaces where community bonds can be built. I will personally teach classes on: Meditation, Your Life's Purpose, Dreams and Dream work, Balloon Making, Unconditional Love practices, contact bostaff and origami. I will help to link others who are already working in the community to do talks and present the knowledge of their field. The very last portion of this is to support facilitators to run these groups/classes so that they can continue to build and strengthen their community.
Life Coaching Session: $90
With Angelica Georgiles. She is a profound healer and I've wanted to meet with her for a couple of years. I feel that working with her would assist in many ways on my journey.
Interview: Grandmother
History is an important thing and the elders in our community have powerful stories of how things came to be as they are now. The intention of interviewing my grandmother is to get her perspective on life. What I know of her story so far is that she lived through the post great depression era of our history and struggled to make ends meet with four children. Her and her husband started an insurance company out of their home, working day in and day out to provide for their family. Their life is a testimony to the American vision that anything is achievable here, that you can make your own opportunities and realize your dreams with a good idea and a bit of elbow grease.
Interview: Chris Minter
He is a psychology teaching at Badger High School and was the first person who turned me on to community organizing and constructive social movements. My intention in interviewing him is to present the pilgrimage idea and hear what his opinions/guidance are on the topics. He is an amazing person, it takes a lot to teach high school students AP Psychology and he does it with skill and grace.
Interview: Benjamin Pierce
Former Nottingham co-op community member, wizard and all around amazing person. The intention of interviewing him is to discover what has worked in co-operative communities and some of the things to avoid. We are going to get together and apply some creative problem solving skills to these situations, look into the potential for Milwaukee WI, the vision and what really needs to be helped in that community and also discuss some of the things that are going on in Detroit.
Interview: Jennifer Ramos
Former hitchhiker of the galaxy, free spirit, canandian and general magic maker now mother of four beautiful children. Her story has inspired all who have heard it. This woman knows how to make magic happen everywhere. She can travel the country on a dime and make friends with the most unlikely of people. Her philosophy is one of Dharma, give and receive, always have the coffee pot running at the house and connect people who may be useful to each other through warm-hearted conversation.
Interview: Jennifer McMillan
Teacher and lover of history. My intention in interviewing her is to get her perspective on Milwaukee's current needs, laws around teaching and her story. Her story is one of great success, having gone through many trials in life she has prevailed and been an incredible light to those around her.
Visit my first home:
I'm going to spend a few days on the land where my first house was located. I lived in a mobile home park from the ages of 6 months to 9 years old. A lot of things happened in that trailer park. Good things and not so good things. My intention in going there is to ground, remember, and heal the land. I will be utilizing gridwork, meditation and Thetahealing® for this process.
Interview: Mother
Our stories are our strength. My mother has been through many trials and tribulations in her life. Through it all she's somehow always managed to make lemonade out of lemons and regardless of her situation she exudes positive joy energy. Her story is an inspiration to me. It is a story of trusting in the Divine and Smiling through the tough parts. She was my first, unrecognized at the time, teacher. I catch myself repeating her morsels of wisdom often to others who are in need.
Planet Fitness Membership: $80
Its 20$ a month for the membership. Having this membership guarantees me a good work out and a shower, which can be incredibly important when you're hoofing it
. I utilized their facilities when I was living in my car in San
Francisco. I particularly enjoy their "No Judgment" Philosophy. It's a
place for people to be fit, it's not for body builders or bulkers but
for people who care about keeping their body fit. Love it! And their
purple and yellow colors are fabulous.Room And Board: $300?
I am going to be utilizing couchsurf.org and my mad dish washing skillz for room and board. There may be nights when $$ have to be utilized for a safe place to stay. If a place is not acquired and there are funds I will get a hotel or stay in a hostel. If there are no funds I will be spending the night meditating at a 24 hour diner. (Yes, probably Denny's)
Reiki Master Certification: $650
With Jeffery Montoya.
Level I $150
Level II $150
Level III & Teacher $350
I already practice a form of Reiki that I picked up simply be being around other Reiki masters but would like to solidify the training and become a teacher so that I can share my practice officially and teach others this amazing artform.
DSM V: $125
This is going to be purchased so that I can begin working through my belief systems around the different diseases and disorders that are listed in the DSM V manual. I am going to be utilizing Thetahealing® to dig and uncover my own fears, prejudices and beliefs around each of these disorders. The purpose of doing this is to make myself a more capable healer. I will begin working with this book while I'm in Wisconsin and Continue to write updates on progress throughout my travels.
Aikido Training: $450
$150 per month.
For my travels it is a great compliment to my overall goal. This is a martial art that focuses in self defense. I want to learn this to center my energies and be able to stand strong and tall even in difficult situations. I feel that this would help me incredibly for self-control, self-confidence, teaching, public speaking and protesting. This would also require having a stable place to stay for a couple of months to complete.
Spanish Rosetta Stone: $150
This will help me on my journey in crossing language boundaries. This will be the first of several languages that I would like to learn in order to travel the world and teach classes in different languages.
"”"”-
I thank you all for your support! I am incredibly excited to start this adventure. There have been so many blessings already since I made the first post, I am filled with an overwhelming sense of gratitude for all those who have been supportive through kind words, prayers and $$.
May the blessing be returned to you 100 fold.
Love & Light
-Ananda
------------------------------
------------------------------
The Story Leading Up to the Pilgrimage:
Begin: June 13, 2013
Current Music: Lindsey Stirling - Crystallize
So appropriate for how I feel in this moment. Another peak on the journey that I've been traveling on since November 15th 2010. Why is this a peak? What journey? It is my journey of spiritual awakening and healing. On that day, etched in my mind, I made a declaration to my dark closet. At the time I was daily downing two vicodin a day and washing it down with a 1/2 bottle of yukon jack. That wasn't the worst of what I'd done to myself. I was on a path of self-destruction the previous two years had been the most intense, alcohol every day all the time always accompanied with some kind of pain killer, or anything i could get my hands on. If i couldn't find a pill I'd start downing i-buprophen. Every time I went to the bottle I felt a de ja vous, wondering "Did I just do this a few minutes ago, or was that yesterday?" I was experiencing great unconscious pain at it was completely hidden to the outside world. I was after all a 4.0 student, a tutor and assistant teacher. While being the perfect citizen during the day at night trying to numb my existence.
What declaration did I make? Well through a coincidental course of events I became enlightened to the idea that all who engage in the destructive behaviors that I called "friends" were hiding something from themselves. I made a promise to myself and in my naive machismo strength quit everything that was harmful to me. (unrefined sugars, gluten, alchol, caffine, smoking, pills and substances of any kind) Standing in the middle of the living room of my dream apartment with the dream colors and everything in it's perfectly set place (zen style the way I like it) I screamed "I want to know what I've been hiding. Show yourself to me!!!"
And it did. It destroyed me. I saw unspeakable hurts that were done to my body. I was broken. Everything in my life fell apart. The dream apartment was lost, the relationship I was in ended and I was set on my path of healing, to face what had been done to me and what I had done to myself. Stubborn as I am I faced all of this alone. I wanted to face it alone because of the overwhelming sense of shame and self-loathing. I didn't want to hurt anyone else. I didn't trust myself. The emotions that I felt were strong and overpowering. I spent the next six months semi-homeless living in my car in San Francisco. Still sticking to my promise, I did not ingest any substances that were harmful to me.
Every day I woke up feeling like I didn't deserve a home. I put on a tough face and went to school. I still managed to get a 4.0 My spine came completely out of alignment. I suffered malnutrition, paranoia, all ranges of bodily pains, dehydration. I cried a lot and then I met my mind.
It happened on one sunny afternoon, the wind was blowing gently in the trees next to Alamo Square and I realized that I was alone. There was no one else around and I was doing this to myself. I was the one who was saying these things to myself. I was punishing myself. I was hurting me.
It was a pivotal moment in the process. There was an opening between the clouds which quickly closed in on itself. I had it and then it was snatched away from me by the negativity. Something happened, something profound and I wanted that. I practiced getting there to that space where I could quiet the demons in my mind. I fell down a lot, every day. I got back up and tried again.
To help with the spinal alignment I started imagining that I was in a hottub before I went to sleep. Then I would awake limber and ready for the day.
Malnutrition still plagued me. It was hard to keep any foods that were helpful in the car. I was limited to bread, nuts, chips and water.
The thoughts of self-loathing and undeserving plagued me in great force every few days sending me into a spiraling depression.
I kept on reaching out for what little peace I had found. I Created the "Love Poems" and "Japanese Dance" music collection. It was getting easier to stay happier on a day to day basis. I thought things were going great but, the conclusion of that time was just as traumatic as the process itself. Late one night, about 1am and I was return to my car "Turtle" for sleep. As I approached the space something felt off. It wasn't where I left it. My car, along with everything I owned had been stolen.
I yelled to the sky, "Do you think this will stop me?! Ha! You can't stop me."
I did not cry at the loss. I walked away and found uncomfortable places but safe places to sleep until I garnered a flight back home....Wisconsin.
In Wisconsin I was greeted with surprise. My family when I was younger thought me to be a "Bad girl" who "Behaved badly" and it drove a wedge between us. I was an outsider. They couldn't see through to the hurt that I was feeling because they were so hurt by the way I was acting toward them.
The time spent there was a difficult lesson in putting myself aside for the beliefs and feelings of those around me. I was asked to prove myself a person of integrity and a worthy member of the family. I still suffered silently hoping they would not kick me out of their homes because I had nowhere else to go at the time.
When I had enough money saved up I signed up for Thetahealing
courses in "Intuitive Anatomy" and "DNA 3". Originally I had wanted to go and learn and then come back to write a book about my experience and what I had learned in class. I proposed this idea to my mother, staying at her house while I wrote the book, and the response she gave me was a vehement "You should just stay in Orlando." It broke my heart. I had just spent the last 9 months working on relationships with my family and felt that they would be there for me.
But I knew that I could do this. I could start over and face the world alone again. I left with just barely enough money to pay a first months rent at a new place ($400). I supposed that through some divine grace I might be spared living on the streets. I was spared that circumstance and was grateful but, the place I ended up in was filthy, moldy, un-airconditioned and at times had no running water.
This brings us to 2012, the year of my most profound lessons. In this year I was fired from two jobs, had my bike stolen, experienced the most tumultuous relationship I've ever been in and nearly went blind from a massive eye infection.
It wasn't until March of 2013 when I found my bottom. I declared a moratorium. I began cutting lose all unsavory relationships, all obligations and removing the darker parts of myself. I began to let go of regret, self-loating, neglect and lack of trust. These are all topics of the "Death is a Transformation" poetry series. I started a harsh cleansing process and put myself into an incredibly painful and exhilarating healing process.
Now for the Peak.
Every leap of faith has a soft landing. So I leaped over myself. I faced great fears of abandonment, loss, not having a home and not belonging with the same stubborn resolve of my original declaration. What I received was an overwhelming abundance of love from those around me. Also a home, good food, a beautiful relationship and something I had not truly felt for the entirety of my arduous 31 years, love.
Even though I've been on this Journey for years I feel like this is the first true step. With this basis of love I feel that I am capable of truly healing. I desire to enter on a pilgrimage to tell of this wild adventure and thank all those whom I have known along the way for their incredible patience with me and the lessons that I still learn from them. I will begin my journey in the Orlando area and the first major trip on my journey is back home, Wisconsin. After that I will travel to San Francisco and continue on. The ultimate goal of this journey is to "See the whole world to see the world whole"
The funds will go to travel expenses and other bare necessities that are required for this trip.
I am keeping a blog of my adventures and lessons so that others who weren't directly involved may also heal from hearing the story.
You can follow me here: anandawalker.wordpress.com
I appreciate all your love and support! It means the world to me. I know now that we are all in this together. We are meant to help each other and to be there for each other through our trials and our joys.
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Organizer
Ananda Walker
Organizer
Orlando, FL
