God's plan, a new life without abuse.

~ This is a story about a woman who has endured years of verbal and controlling abuse. She has so much to offer as a mother, friend and to those in need. Please help her to start a new life.       

      I am a stable person someone who wishes to once again be happy and healthy mind, body and spirit. I am frugal and resourceful, generous and compassionate to others. I will start by saying I've been blessed in my life in so many simple ways which I don't take for granted. I'm thankful for my parents who taught me about God...they taught me how to pray, taught me right from wrong... my prayer, my hope is to be free from a life of mental and physical destruction from a husband and father of my three daughters who is continually verbally abusive and controlling to us. This life is tearing my girls and I apart. My plan is to start a new life to live apart without him after 20 years of marriage.  Our life with him has been paralyzing and debilitating. A mere roller coaster ride of sometimes good, bad and worst. Our self esteem low our self worth dwindling. My husband is a traditional man with a career who strongly encouraged me to be a homemaker and mother after having our first child. He is obsessed with work politics, religion and golf. Paying little attention to his wife and children hiding behind a facade of religion he is a Hippocratic in his faith. I've been there for our children however I've given up my self in doing so, never allowed to be an individual and feeling forced to conform not allowed to go outside of the home to work in fear I would leave him. Without his approval I sought out to be a volunteer at our church, our school and our community hospital while the girls were in school. I needed balance in my life it was my way of coping. 

     My plan is to find work, to help myself and children have a better life. I've stayed home for twenty years to raise our girls and take care of a home. Our oldest daughter has had many difficulty's she has had hip surgery and once after getting sick burst her esophagus and almost died. She was on a feeding tube for a week in the hospital. She then was diagnose with ADHD her senior year of high school. We now understand why we were so frustrated through out her education. Our family suffered all those years not knowing how to help her with her disability. Her father has not been there for her he does not acknowledge her disability and not supportive to it. My daughter is coping well and wants to continue with her education.

     Three years after my 90 year old father fell down the stairs breaking his neck I needed to move my elder 86 yr old mother from another state to tend to her, she now lives in a retirement community. Six months after moving she fractured her hip. She is healing well and is finally adjusting to her new living arrangements. She is financially sound and I thank God for this. My spouse has also given me grief for wanting to help her... he has never been supportive in helping my parents or extended family. When I lost my sister to lung cancer 15 years ago which mastitis to her brain it agitated him that I was sad it broke my heart to see my brother in law, 10 year old nephew and parents in such pain. She was 45.

      My prayer, to find a safe peaceful place for my children and I to live. After 12 years of on and off again chronic and extremely painful low back mussel spasms and three episodes of Eyeritis. I was finally diagnosed in 2012 with Ankylosing Spondilidis which is arthritis of the spine. The stress and anxiety from my marriage and pain that I've endured prevents me from eating I've lost weight and always feel weak, however I am feeling good these days and able to eat. My doctor has me on a medicine to help with inflammation and has suggested physical therapy when I'm feeling no pain. I'm always worried about my next bout of debilitating pain as it can come on at anytime without warning. I fear how this will affect a future job. My spouse has never been compassionate over the years always making me feel like the pain is all in my head. He would be angry at me... I could never keep the house clean enough, couldn't keep up with the laundry and I couldn't stay organized..... never made enough meals he would tell me how I was another dependent for him implying my skills as a mother and homemaker are not what they need to be. He would never help or organize our children to help their mother. Reminding me of what he pays for ...girls education, our bills, utilities, health/dental/eye insurance, car insurance food vacations ect... and how hard he works for our family telling me in so many words I don't appreciate him. Yelling me "go out and get a job you pay the bills"! Then telling me I need to be here in the home!!!! I went through a period or two of depression over the years. I've gotten stronger in how I feel about my situation I no longer feel depressed. I know God has provided for us and I thank him everyday for what I have. I am hoping to help my girls get some therapy to understand marriage can be good with the right person, with respect and compassion. I want for them to get a higher education so they do not end up like me without it. I'm not looking for a hand out I'm looking for a hand up. I want to be able to bring it forward and after getting on my feet and able to sustain myself help others in need, my dream is to open a nonprofit to help other women and children in similar situation or maybe a bed and breakfast for those needing a place to stay. My story is so much more complex. I've had others encourage me to write about my experiences and how damaging its been for my family.  I know their are others who are more in need financially yet I don't know where else to go.

      Abuse is abuse whether it be physical or verbal its emotionally damaging. God please help me..help me help my girls, help me to help others. I just pray my girls don't grow up to think this is how a daughter,  a mother, wife or woman of any age should be treated especially by someone they think loves them. This is not love. 

Peace of God always be with you.

Tammy

~ I am keeping a daily log of the abuse, I have recorded his outbursts of verbal abuse when I can and will continue to do it. We have lived separately in the same house for 13 yrs I am now living down in the basement of our house. I have bought from having sold some of my belongings several pieces of used furniture and have a stock pile of necessity's for a new home. I will not have to leave with nothing.

*NOTE*

      I do not believe in abortion my daughters and I have prayed for those who struggle with unwanted pregnancies my daughter's have prayed the rosary in front of the women's choice center it is a passion of theirs. Pictured with me is a little boy who's birth mother gave him life and gave the ultimate gift of parenting to my cousins. God is good.