This is a story about a woman who has endured years of controlling and verbal abuse. She has so much to offer to those in need. Please help her to start a new life.
I am someone who wishes to once again be happy and healthy mind, body and spirit. I believe in God and the power of prayer. I am frugal, resourceful, generous and compassionate to others. I will start by saying I've been blessed in my life in so many simple ways which I don't take for granted. I'm thankful for my parents who taught me about God...they taught me how to pray, taught me right from wrong... my prayer, my hope is to be free from a life of mental destruction from a husband who is continually verbally abusive and controlling to me and our three daughters. This life is tearing my girls and I apart. My plan is to start a new life to live without him after 21 years of marriage. Our life with him has been paralyzing and debilitating. A mere roller coaster ride of sometimes good, bad and worse. Our self esteem low, our self worth dwindling. My husband is a traditional man with a career who strongly encouraged me to be a homemaker and mother after having our children. He is obsessed with work, religion, golf and politics. Paying little attention to his wife and children hiding behind a facade of religion he is hypocrite with his faith. Wanting people to see him at church as a loving devoted husband and father. Many times he would yell and scream at us in the car on the way to church only for him to turn his demeanor around once we all walk in only to continue the abuse once church is over.
I've tried to be there for our children however I've given up my self in doing so, never allowed to be an individual and feeling forced to conform. I was not allowed to go outside of the home to work he feared I would leave him. Without his approval I sought out to be a volunteer at our local hospital while the girls were in school. I also volunteered at the church and school. I needed balance in my life it was my way of coping. To him my job was in the home to serve him and our children. He had life, work, golf friends, activities away from the family we never shared any of this together. Very rarely did we ever entertain adults in our home.
My plan is to find work, to help myself and children have a better life. I've stayed home for twenty one years to raise our girls and take care of a home. Our oldest daughter has had many difficulty's she has had hip surgery, burst her esophagus and almost died spending a week in the hospital on a feeding tube. Shortly there after was diagnose with ADHD/anxiety. We now understand why we were so frustrated through out her education. I struggled, our family suffered all those years not knowing how to help her not knowing she had this disability. Her father has not been there for her he does not acknowledge her disability and not supportive to it. My daughter is coping well and wants to continue with her education. God is an never ending source of strength for her, she is very faith filled.
Three years after my 90 year old father fell down the stairs breaking his neck I needed to move my elder 86 yr old mother from another state to tend to her, she now lives in a retirement community. Six months after moving she fractured her hip. She is healing well and is finally adjusting to her new living arrangements. She is financially sound and I thank God for this. My spouse has also given me grief for wanting to help her... he has never been supportive in helping my parents or extended family. When I lost my sister to lung cancer 16 years ago which metastasized to her brain it had agitated him that I was sad it broke my heart to see my brother in law, 10 year old nephew and parents in such grieving pain. She was 45. He had no compassion for me and my grief.
My prayer, to find a safe peaceful place for my children and I to live. After 13 years chronic and extremely painful low back mussel spasms and several episodes of Eyeritis in my eye, my
Rheumatologist has felt I have many of the traits to be diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondilidis which is an autoimmune disease of arthritis of the spine. We believe the stress and anxiety from my marriage brings on the bouts of pain. The anxiety and stress that I've endured has prevented me from eating. I've lost weight and always feel weak, however I have been feeling good these days and able to eat. My doctor has had me on a medicine to help with inflammation and has suggested physical therapy when I'm feeling no pain. I'm always worried about my next bout of debilitating pain as it can come on at anytime without warning. I fear how this will affect a future job. My spouse has never been compassionate always making me feel like the pain is in my head. He would be angry at me when I'm in pain... I could never keep the house clean enough, couldn't keep up with the laundry, I couldn't stay organized and many time in such pain I was unable to cook. He would tell me how I was another dependent for him reminding me I'm not a good wife, mother and homemaker. He would never offer to help. Reminding me of what he pays for ...children's education, bills, utilities, health/dental/eye insurance, cars, insurance, food, vacations ect... and how hard he works for our family telling me in so many words I don't appreciate him. Yelling me "go out and get a job you pay the bills!" Then telling me I need to be here in the home!!!! I went through a period or two during my child bearing years of depression. After going to talk therapy I've gotten stronger in how I feel about my situation I no longer feel depressed. I know God has a plan he has provided for us and I thank him everyday for what we have. I have since set girls up with therapy to understand marriage can be good with the right person, with respect and compassion. I want for them to get a higher education so they do not end up like me without it. I'm not looking for a hand out I'm looking for a hand up. I want to be able to bring it forward and after getting on my feet and able to sustain myself help others in need, my dream is to open my home to help other women and children in similar situation or maybe a bed and breakfast for those needing a place to stay. My story is so much more complex. I've had others encourage me to write about my experiences and how damaging its been for my family. I'm sure their are others who are more in need financially yet I don't know where else to go.
Abuse is abuse whether it be physical or verbal its emotionally damaging. God please help me..help me help my girls, help me to help others. I just pray my girls don't grow up to think this is how a daughter, a mother, wife, man, woman or child of any age should be treated especially by someone they think loves them. This is not love.
My plan is to find some type of work to help myself and children to provide basic necessities. My dream would be to open my home up to individuals needing a nights stay a simple meal maybe just to gather for bible study or youth group meeting. To open a studio a resale store of sorts.
Peace of God always be with you.
***Since I've written this tragic events happens in our life's spouse and I finally attempted family/marriage counseling for the third time in our marriage. To my dismay therapist has noted after having therapy sessions with spouse alone and then with the two of us she has come to conclusions that he is indeed controlling and is a narcissist. She has recommended he read several books one being "Why Does He Do This To Me?" She can not believe we have stayed married in a toxic environment this long and recommended divorce.
~ I am trying to keep a daily log of the abuse, I have recorded his outbursts of verbal abuse when I can and will continue to do it. We have lived separately in the same house for 14 years. I have lived down in the basement of our house for well over a year. I have bought from having sold some of my belongings several pieces of used furniture and have a stock pile of necessity's for a new home. I will not have to leave with nothing.
I do not believe in abortion my daughters and I have prayed for those who struggle with unwanted pregnancies my daughter's have prayed the rosary in front of the women's choice center it has been a passion of theirs. Pictured with me is a little boy who's birth mother gave him life and gave the ultimate gift of parenting to my cousins. God is good.